Wonderland Chronicles

It's Getting Better

2011-06-28T03:36:00.000-07:00

I feel a true shift in myself and all I can say is...... thank God!

I look back at my old blog posts and can see the anguish, the fear and the general listlessness about my career and life in general.

So what changed?

Three things. First, I hired and intuitive named Amy Oscar. She does energy work and listens to the energy in your voice. It may sound strange but for anyone that has been reading my blog, you know that I have been growing desperate for some kind of guidance. All I can say is that the meeting was amazing and she helped me feel like I was on the right path. She also told me what others have told me in the past and which I have persitently ignored - that I am a teacher, intuitive, attuned, a writer, etc.

I ignored the "teacher" description of myself because I had always associated this with traditional teaching... like in an elementary school.... making very little money. My thoughts on teaching have definitely expanded. I realized that in my current work as a Human Resources Manager that I teach, guide or coach for a living. I help people make transitions, as a new hire, employee and and upon departure. The consulting aspect comes naturally and I really enjoy this part of my job. I dislike the corporate environment, the lack of challenge and most of all, the fact that I am not at home more for my children. I explained to Amy that I had this yearning to be home more for my youngest son, who will be eight in August. My older daughters are teenagers and while I feel they still "need" me, I feel my son needs me physically just as I need him. So Amy let me tell her my vision of being home with my son AND doing work that is fulfilling for me. It felt selfish to describe this vision, I mean shouldn't I just be grateful that I have a job? Yes, I should always be grateful for everything. I believe only good comes from that and sets you up, shores you up for the path you were meant to take. Amy told me I was in control, that I was the "wizard" and had the power to make it happen.

The second thing I did was continue to build my tribe on twitter. I only follow people who appear to be like minded or inspirational. This has helped me tremendously. This expanding network connects me to all kinds of interesting ideas and gives me a daily boost.

The third thing I did was I found the courage to interview and hire a Life Coach. Again, I have thought about hiring one for years but (insert excuse), the bottom line was that I felt I did not deserve the investment in myself. I signed on for three months, so we will see. There are so many coaches out there and I am so darn picky that I struggled to make a choice. I finally selected a coach whose website I loved and whose message I loved more. There was no dreaded sales pitch, just compassion. I could take my time, this coach said and if it felt right we could work together. My choice.

I spend a lot of time on introspection, maybe too much. I also keep a journal and despite my sporadic entries it is hard to ignore the patterns that have emerged. I sat down one day and asked the infinite, "What are my gifts? and How do I serve?". A string of words were jotted down, and I summarized the list with this: "idea translator". I am an idea translator?? What? You don't mean a coach do you? Like crazy Liza Life Coach? (Cheri O'Teri, wonderful actress from SNL) This only added to my resistance. I admitted this to my coach and she just laughed and acknowledged that coaching gets a bad rap and there is a movement within the industry to try and change that.

These are just a few steps I have taken and it has felt good to actually start something. The shift that I described culminated in a realization that what I really want to do is somehow teach, or guide of coach for a living, working for myself. I surrendered to the fact that asking for help is a good thing for me, and really a necessary thing if I want to really change my life. Finding your true passion can be difficult and I wanted to share my experience in hopes that someone else can be helped by it. Open yourself up to what others are saying, step back and reframe it. See if it fits.

Funny

2011-05-17T18:01:00.001-07:00

Isn't it Funny? How when you are thinking of branching out, doing things differently that certain things fall into your lap? This is what happened to me today. I called a friend and we started talking about ways we can help ourselves get out of our comfort zone. We both agreed that we don't want to work for anyone anymore.

Can Someone Please Make a Voodoo Doll of me and Kick My A__?

2011-03-08T08:37:00.000-08:00

I am bored to tears at work. I am grateful to have a job, yes. But cannot help but feel irresponsible for not doing something else ( I was going to say "more" but it's not more I need, it's different). I know all about the need to take action. Take Action! Now! Your time is NOW! Shouting doesn't help matters because clearly I am still sitting here, typing this blog. I am like my young son who often tunes me out when I shout. Can't say I blame him. We shout when we are exasperated. When we feel we have no other tools to use.

It's the quiet subtleties, the undertones, the wily inspiration that stays hidden from our everyday focus. This is what drives me crazy. I feel lazy and lethargic and tired of myself. But I feel this way because I get jolts of optimism. And then crash, and then back up again. It's not healthy.

I sit in meetings and have to be prodded to respond to some inane question that is asked of me. It's not fair to them. I just don't belong here yet I sit here and type? Productive I am not.

I am reading Margaret Roach's "and I shall have some peace there". I found it at the book store the other day while shopping for my daughter's SAT book. I sat down and read 20 pages of it. The book is about her leaving a high paying corporate job to live full time at her farm house and tend her garden. She did not have some big epiphany (thank goodness because I would be furious if she did, so jealous would I be!) or experience any kind of crisis such as a layoff or health scare. I have not gotten to the core of why yet as I am still reading the beginning stage where she is explaining how she had to try and separate from her old identity. The woman who always worked for someone else, always had a title and there she was- untethered. No job and a fear of prying open her "real" self. I will let you know how it goes. I like it so far.

So I am going now. Poke me a few times today, will you? Remind me that I need to be doing something else, anything else than what I am currently doing.

Thanks a million.

Happy Friday

2011-03-04T07:50:00.000-08:00

Man, am I glad it's Friday! The weather is getting so much better here in Florida. It's making me restless and wanting to head to the beach, which we may do tomorrow.

My oldest daughter is sitting for her SAT's tomorrow. I remember doing the same thing more than 20 years ago on a breezy Connecticut morning, feeling nervous and anxious. My grades were always very good but I was not a big reader back then. As a result, my English scores were not a high as they could have been. I still got into a good college.

I question the point of college these days. If this last few rough economic years have taught us anything it is that now more than ever, we need to become more self reliant. Self employment to me, is the deal young people should strive for. But let me qualify that. If what they love to do does not require a traditional employer, then they should seek self employment. If, however, they fell called to serve the public, then they should pursue that. My point is that college should not be a requirement for success. It often isn't.

So, my daughter is applying to colleges. Not for a career, not for a future, not for any of the old reasons. She's applying because she just wants to. She has no major in mind, is not overly social, she just wants to study. I believe that was the original purpose of college- higher learning. And I really admire her for that.

My growing up experience was that you had "better to this or bad things will happen". You will end up living in a van down by the river, or if you live in Florida you will don a orange reflective vest and pan handle for change. Not without it's ingenuity or charm I might add. Now a days, she could live on an organic, self sustaining farm....in a solar powered van, down by the river. Or she could be an entrepreneur and vie for angel investors in the form of kind souls who deposit change in her jar as she stands on the medium in her signature orange vest. I am kidding, but only kind of. My goal is for her not to buy in to the false promises I bought into at her age. I wished I had worked less and had more fun. Traveled more, studied less and loved more. It's about richer experiences rather than a richer bank account.

What say you?

Coming Alive

2011-02-28T07:28:00.000-08:00

There is something in me that is starting to unfold. At times, I feel as if there is a novel waiting to be written by me, or a short story or a play. Something. These thoughts come in flashes. It's the muse, (my muse?) whispering past me or through me. I am alert but never take action. If I do decide to write something, I know it will be quick. I will have to sit and write it all out, at once. This is how good writing comes to me. In flashes. And when I use the qualifier "good" I mean writing for me that is focused, instead of my normal, random ramblings which are usually grounded in some form of self pity, unfortunately.

I have a friends tell me they enjoy receiving my letters. That I am funny. I do like to write. As an introvert, it's the most supreme way of communicating for me. My husband, on the other hand hates the hand written letters from me. He considers it impersonal. He would rather I talk things out with him. He's a talker and I am too to a degree. I believe I am more of a debater though. It can be exhausting dealing with me because I cannot help but pick apart and drag up memories to make my point or provide context so that I am not misunderstood. It comes across as self righteous and I am really working on that. Trying to be more open and less judgemental.

I am sitting here at work writing this when I should be working. There is lots to do and I don't want to do any of it really. When I am driving my son to school, I sometimes feel hopeful that I will be able to create a more flexible lifestyle for myself and my family. I really want to be the mom that volunteers at school and picks up her son from "pick up point" instead of having him ride the bus to aftercare and is often, one of the last kids to get picked up.

I had a conversation about this a few weeks ago with a good friend. I have created this situation. And instead of getting depressed, I am committed to creating a better situation. That's all I need to do- is just commit to making things better. Don't think about the how or the why, just the belief that I have the power to make things better and I can start in small ways.

I believe I have it in me to adjust my life in a way that creates both flexibility and opportunity for me. I am striving to be more aware... so that next time, I can recognize the muse as she comes, instead of realizing that she's just left.

Today

2011-02-22T13:42:00.000-08:00

As I drove to work today, I had those same thoughts again. Thoughts about quitting my job.

My plan is to actually make a plan and follow it. Sounds simple right? If I let fear control me instead of harness me, then I will not be able make the progress that I need to. No "goals" really just a deep desire to change, radically. To say "why not?" instead of "how?".

My thoughts are to quit and withdraw my small pension to pay off some debts. It's not pragmatic, certainly not responsible in the traditional sense. So far, nothing else has worked for me. I read and plan and scheme. I even say it out loud but I seem to just talk around the edges of what I want to do instead of just doing it. I have already posted about wanting to take better care of my family and myself. I still do. Part of me believes that if I take good care of my home it will take care of me. I really believe that. Why not? (I really want to say how....)

Another police officer was shot and killed last night. This after two other officers died last month. I worry so much for my husband, now more than ever. It makes me question what I am doing with my life.

I Said, In October....

2011-02-10T18:22:00.001-08:00

That I would stop writing here. In a quest to find my true writer's "voice". I have tried with another blog, to be more "authentic". The fact that I put the word authentic in quotes demonstrates the futility in that exercise. Authenticity by definition is not planned. It just is. So. I am back.

What I want is to keep writing freely, without too much hesitation.

I came back to write, once again what I want.

I want a warm, safe home for my children.

I want to spend more time in my home, taking care of my home and my garden and my plants. Cleaning and weeding and pulling and tending. I want to take more time to care for my family. To prepare healthy, thoughtful breakfasts instead of rushed, routine meals that end up half chewed and swallowed in the desperate haste to get dressed and rush out the door. I want more peace, more quiet. Less internet, less blogs, less stimulation, less frenzy.

I want to no longer be jealous, of all things.... the dishwasher when I leave the house. Jealous because it gets to whir and hum and clean and care for my family while I am away, while I am not here. Away when I should be here. Tending.

I no longer want a rushed life. My children and family should not be an after thought, a to do list item. This includes myself. I must tend to myself as well. I feel good to know that I have begun to take better care of myself. Because I deserve it.

I will keep moving toward the light even in the uncertainty of what I am supposed to be doing. I keep waiting for answers, for help, for guidance. Instead I need to just tune out as much noise and stimulation and anxiety as possible.

Daybreak

2010-09-21T04:03:00.000-07:00

If I could. No, I don't want to start my sentence like that.

I am able to stay home. It's a miracle. I do not have to work for anyone anymore. I work for myself, make my own money and have built something really special, something I am proud of.

It's 7:05 am and my children are eating breakfast. The oldest has already left for school. Next, I will get in the shower, apply makeup, hair, and then dress. I drop off one child at the busstop and one at elementary school. I then return home and clean up the kitchen, start a load of laundry, water my flowers and plants outside. I check on my garden, weed and inspect the stems and leaves. I watch the peppers, cucumbers, tomatos, squash, garlic, basil, thyme, scallions, spinach and lettuce blossom and grow into bounty stippled with dew drops warmed by the morning sun.

Next, I drive to the local small coffee shop and sip a hot cup of coffee and eat whole grain bread with jam or peanut butter. I read magazines or a newspaper. I pause, look around the shop, at my hot cofee sweetened with milk and organic sugar and pause. I look inward and give thanks for all I have, all of my blessings and contemplate the thoughts in between. My thoughts grow less frenetic and I bask in love and gratitude. I feel so grateful, so peaceful. I remember that I led myself to this place, shephered by love and grace. Because right now, this thing, these feelings are here and I am present in them. I open my laptop and read my email, update my blog.

Change

2010-08-22T07:26:00.000-07:00

I think I am going to retire this blog and create a brand new one. I have struggled to find my "voice" here. It's been a good outlet, a good start to write and get myself out there a bit but now I feel like I want to do something else, create something else that is more reflective of who I am.

The next blog will have lots of pictures and feature all the things I love, food and cooking, design, books and music, family and friends, beautiful things. One thing I know for sure is that I do NOT want anything to do with life coaching or coaching or consulting. Blech. Just writing those words makes me ill. So, I will take down my other coaching blog and twitter account since no one reads them anyway. Why would they? They are boring and really inauthentic. This is what happens when I try and force something into being instead of allowing my higher, creative self have at it.

Work does not have to be dreary does it? Making money should and can be fun, I think. Trick is to figure it out without getting too stressed out. Letting it flow, as they say. I am not sure what this will entail but at least I finally figured out what it should not entail and for me that's a huge step!

Once, I was an artist. I had a wonderful art teacher named Ms. Stannard. She was so kind to me at a time when as a teen, I felt so insecure and hopeless. She encouraged my art so enthusiastically and genuinely that it made me feel so good however briefly. Thank you Ms. Stannard for your caring soul and kind words. I was often baffled by her enthusiasm. Other kids made fun of her eccentricities but they could not see that it was she who had a wider, holistic view of things. She had the gift of seeing beauty in things.

I Believe

2010-07-08T16:19:00.000-07:00

I believe in the wisdom of women.

I believe in getting closer to the earth, to acknowledge the living energy that abounds. I believe in a new order.

No "manifesto" here. I have been seeing that term thrown about everywhere which, when boiled down manifestos are really marketing plans disguised as self-help.

In my minds eye I can see a return to a more natural way of living. Not at all austere. Simplified yes but very, very comfortable. I see more homes made of wood and stone, thatched roofs and large gardens bursting with harvest. Fenced parcels of land with green grass and animals roaming peacefully. Creation of real communities that are in fact communities. People who choose to live together, and help each other as neighbors. Why did we ever move away from this way of living?

If we look at history, particularly American history I can understand the initial evolution. People came here to escape persecution, oppression and poverty. Many were farmers who came from over tilled, burned out land and wanted a chance to be free. But for some, the first taste of freedom created the desire to multiply fortune and the quickest way to do this was through industrialization. Automation and repetition created "efficiency" as defined by those that profited most from it. Interestingly enough, these same terms are used today to defend the increased outsourcing and off shoring of American jobs- automation and repetition create "efficiency" as defined by corporations and lower production costs increase revenue.

Let's look at the definition of efficiency. Webster defined efficiency as:

[Noun] The act of producing effects; a causing to be or exist; effectual agency. The manner of this divine efficiency is far above us. Gravity does not proceed from the efficiency of any contingent or unstable agent.. Source: Webster's 1828 American Dictionary.

Within the Webster definition link there were many definitions of "efficiency". So, efficiency really does mean different things to different people. For corporations, I believe they use the revenue centric definition as follows:

The efficiency ratio of a business is expenses as a percentage of revenue (expenses / revenue) with a few variations. A lower percentage is better since that means expenses are low and earnings are big. It's the "reverse" operating leverage: revenue / expenses. (references)

Other definitions of efficiency:

r=P/C of the amount P of some valuable resource produced, per amount C of valuable resources consumed

Economic efficiency is a general term for the value assigned to a situation by some measure designed to capture the amount of waste or "friction" or other undesirable and undesirable economic features present. The term microeconomic reform refers to any policy designed to increase economic efficiency. (references)

I suppose my point to all of this is that many of us, myself included get caught up in someone else's subjective reality. What if I or you just simply decide not too? What if our reality is our own choosing?

What you are reading is the ramblings of a middle class wife and mother who works full time. If I am focused on definitions in this post than middle class for me = broke. Living paycheck to paycheck with little to no savings. Why do I do this? The answer is because I have been believing in someone else's reality. Instead of my own.

It's time to stop.

It was 1980 something

2010-06-29T18:08:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get random flashes of memory of when you were younger? I do.

More often than not, I will get some of these flashes when I am listening to 80s music in Winn-Dixie. They play the best songs there and I along with the other shoppers frequently sing along with the lyrics out loud, unashamed.

Sometimes I think these flashes are not about a particular memory but more about youth. The feeling of being young, raw and eager. It can be exhilarating. So much future ahead, so much possibility. We lose that as we get older. Maybe I have these reflections because I will be 40 this year? Sigh. I don't know.

I can sometimes remember vividly my french braid phase in the mid 80s with big silver hoop earrings. I wore my hair like this just about every single day. Forenza sweaters and overalls. Eighth grade was rugby shirts and docksiders but high school was all about the sweaters. Of course my favorite shoes were lace up prairie boots. LOVED them. To this day, one of my favorite outfits that I coveted was the outfit Molly Ringwald wore in "The Breakfast Club". Long skirt, wide belt, cute short sleeved shirt and lace up prairie boots. It would still be fashionable today I think. That movie is on so often and every time it comes on I watch long enough just so I can see that outfit.

In high school, (the majority of which was a horrible, lonely place) I used to lean my head on the window of the school bus daydreaming about all the cool outfits I would get to buy someday. Eventually, I started my first job at the Dry Cleaners and was able to buy really cool clothes since my parents rarely, if ever bought them for me. I started babysitting at the age of 12 and from that point on if my mother knew I had money, she'd make me walk down to the locally owned clothing store to buy my clothes. I don't remember being upset about this, it was just the way it was and I actually liked the freedom of being able to pick out my own clothes.

Other times I will remember walking in the mall, desperate to find just the right clothes to wear. It was exhausting. My high school was so label focused and I was so envious of the girls who came in to school with a different Bennetton sweater on every day like it was no big deal. Beautiful girls. Lucky girls whose parents put them in braces and had country club memberships. Not a care in the world. Not like me. I lived in a dark, small house hollowed by five people- 2 adults that hated each other and 3 kids that lived together but were never acted like siblings because that would intimate attachment. We were far from that. Especially my sister. She abused me. Younger than me and her tongue was a triangulate of hate, spite and jealousy. She looked at me and saw the rawness and called out my flaws and helped make me despise myself. So hurtful she was. Still is. I was the kid that prayed during hurricane storms to give me the power to grow up and move out as soon as possible.

My high school was a total mean girl high school. Fortunately, because I was so quiet I successfully faded into the background and was not harassed too much. I was not quite in the loser crowd (though I definitely came close at times) I was definitely not popular. Friendships in the popular crowd were based on who you knew , what you wore and who you associated with. I was in the lower class, "normal" crowd who befriended people I actually had things in common with. Plus, I could be funny and some people appreciated that. When I was a freshman, some people thought I was related to some girl named "Beth" who was a popular junior girl apparently but we were no relation so for about a minute, some of the popular kids talked to me. Once they realized there was no relation they stopped immediately.

Some people are afraid of getting older. For me, the more distance there is between my teenage years the better. I am a totally different person now. Not just mature, but wiser and happier which for a long time I never thought would be possible. Even though the prospect of turning 40 is a little daunting for me, it's not entirely negative. I still feel the inkling of possibility, of hope for a better future but more importantly the ability to appreciate what I have now, the feeling of being blessed and loved for who I am.

Vacation?

2010-05-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

Everytime I take a few days off, or leave the state I always feel like there is the potential to come back a changed person, with a new, brighter perspective on life.

In retrospect, I don't this actually happens, at least not substantially. Maybe in more subtle ways such as when I remember the wooden railing outside of the cabin we rented in North Georgia last year. For some reason, that image sticks with me and gives me a sense of peace.

So, we are off to North Carolina in a few days to see my step-son get off the plane after 7 long months in Afghanistan. The dates keep changing and I am hoping that most the recent change stays firm. His base is near the coast in NC so about 20 minutes from the beaches which I look forward to seeing since I have not been to that part of NC. Other than that, I am not sure what to expect. Just look forward to packing up the car and kids and head north for the next few days.

I find myself calmer this days which is a good thing. Patience brings clarity and perspective.

So, here is to hoping that the trip to NC will bring back positive change.

Cheers,

C.

MmmmMMmm

2010-04-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

I am home sick today. My stomache is killing me and I can't figure out what I ate that has made me sick. Maybe it was all that broccoli I ate last night? I do love broccoli but I admit I went a little overboard. Every since my underactive thyroid diagnosis I have been avoiding any food that could potentially interfere with my medication. Broccoli is one of those foods unfortunately, however I did learn that if you cook the heck out of it you can eat it. And ate it I did. That's terrible grammar.

Onward.

Have you ever stayed home from work and then later regretted it? Its seems like a good idea, especially when you are doubled over with stomach cramps but then, at least for me the guilt sets in. Guilt for not going to work and guilt for not feeling like doing the million undone chores at home. I am typing this in a middle of half folded laundryand the very sight of this rumpled mess exhausts me. Now my head hurts.

What a whiny blogger I am, although I don't post that often so I don't even know if I could classify myself as a whiny blogger.

So one of the new shows I am excited to watch is "Life Coach" with Cheri O'Teri. She is hilarious and I espcially loved the "Joy the grief counselor episdoe". So funny.

I am off to take a nap.

I Hate My Toilet

2010-03-08T17:43:00.000-08:00

or rather it hates me. We have a well which has been mainly a curse and a narrow blessing. No water bill but we have to pump out that stupid thing every three to four months and that's not cheap. You see, when the septic tank fills, the toilets don't flush easily. And forget about trying to plunge it to make it go down it's hateful septic pipes. No. Furious plunging only leads to filthy water getting spilled on the floor or yourself and that is just not good. Not good at all. So, we are very often forced to walk away from a bowl full of unsavory until the finicky toilet agrees to both flush and drain which sometimes means all. day. So gross and annoying. Ugh.

That's enough toilet talk.

I am lying propped up in bed (which is my favorite position by the way), alone and writing my blog with NPR on and the soothing symphony music just ended and now I am trying to block out annoying NPR lady voice until the music comes back on. There it is again now. Ah. Where were we? Yes, lying in my bed writing to you about random things which I hope you will read but hope more earnestly that you will comment. I love comments! It's thrilling to get some which I don't get many of because apparently readers like to see lots and LOTS of posts before they commit. They must know that they can rely on you to write the randomness, like every day. That's a big commitment don't you think?

But I know I can and should post a little more often andit would be good to dump the thoughts that take up most of my brain space and day into the gentle pillow that is my blog. Otherwise my inside voice comes outside and scares my husband and children but that takes a while and only happens when my husband kicks my emotional trip wire and then BLAM!! Told you sucker. You didn't listen did you? But honestly, I would like to spread my thoughts on a conveyor belt and have men and women in white jackets and hairnets pick out the ugliest, most hateful thoughts and toss them into a special bin meant for recycling or re purposing or refurbishing (that's why that iPod won't work??) into something cleaner and kinder. Some things that help instead of hurt. I hate it when I lose control of my tongue. Damn it.

This is it for now.

Besties.

C

Camping

2010-01-05T21:03:00.000-08:00

Dark blue skies stippled with stars
Warmth of brown down sleeping bag under my head
and around my body
clean breaths taken in the night air
my Daddy close by
Peace

Reality?

2010-01-05T10:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

I was going to entitle this post "Back to Realty" but then I got to thinking about the definition of reality. At least my definition. It's really subjective isn't it? What my perception of reality is may be very different than yours and I think that is just as it should be.

My current reality for example, is that I am back at work after 11 days off. So my "reality" implies that it's a negative thing to be back at work, which it is but I digress. The rambling point I am trying to make here is that being on vacation was just as much reality as being at work is. Now that I have that cleared up I can proceed with my post updates.

I have managed to stay on track with the dieting, for the most part although I did consume far more wine than I had intended. I think I am wined out for a while. Christmas was wonderful- kids and adults were all happy and I cooked my little heart and and had a great time.

My first day bakc at work blues are in full gear and I am already missing sitting on the couch, snuggled with my 6 year old son watching movies while he played his DS or chattered about random things. I miss hearing his sweet voice. I just all around enjoyed being at home and got used to it very quickly. I felt a lightening in my spirit. I felt less burdened even though I still have the same problems and issues. I also felt more myself, or the self that is less stressed and I really like her. Wish I could keep her full time.

My plan is start my goal setting for the year because I know writing down goals works but it's just so darn hard for me to get into that frame of mind and really focus. But as with my weight loss, things will not change for me in my life unless I acknowledge the areas that are dragging me down, stop making excuses and begin moving forward toward the future that feels more real to me.

One of my goals this year is to devise a way to become more confident that I can and will always find a way to earn a living, hopefully in a way that is more self-reliant and less "job reliant". I am determined this year to make this happen and have enlisted a good friend at work who has agreed to help hold me accountable and I her.

It's January 5, 2010 and time for me to begin creating again like I have in the past.

What will you create?

Best,

C.

Losin' It

2009-11-30T10:00:00.001-08:00

So far I am down about 12 pounds. We'll see what damage I did during Thanksgiving which hopefully should be minimal since I ate reasonably well. I was bad about drinking enough water so I need to continue to work on that.

I am about 2.5 months in with the dieting/exercise and have found that a lot of my food cravings have disappeared which is a really, really great thing. I used to crave pasta/salt/cheese on an almost daily basis.

My next doctor's appointment is December 14 and my goal is to step on the scale and have the nurse NOT move the bar past the 20 mark on the scale. I hope to be under 170 lbs. My clothes are fitting better and I look better. Still have to lose more so I am just trying to stay focused on shedding the rest as quickly as I can.

Results Are In

2009-11-06T05:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, I have an under active Thyroid. My doctor started me on medication, half a pill for the first four days and then whole ones from then on.

So it's day 5 and I just took my whole pill. The side effects from taking just half of the pill caused me to be even MORE emotional and tired which can happen until the hormones level out... which could take months. Ugh.

I did end up feeling better yesterday afternoon- it was almost like a switch. I became less blue and perked up. We'll see how today goes on the whole pill. As I swallowed the pill, I thought "here's to burning some fat". I hope this works. I've kept up with the exercising and diet but have not lost much- about 6 pounds total but I do feel a little firmer and my clothes fit a little better. I am tempted to fast to accelerate the weight loss but I don't want to cut down on any of the potential muscle I have been building over this past month. It takes a looong time to see real results. But I am trying and feel proud that I have stuck it out this long.

My hopes are that if I can change my body, I can also change my life. I am still moving forward with wanting to start my own business. I really already started but need to figure out how to market my business. I have a few free teleseminars that I need to listen too. I just have not had the energy this past week but I am hoping that I will carve out some time today.

I have decided that this year, I will put up with less bull shit. Including from myself. Cut out the negative self talk and doubt. Refuse to put up with rude people or at least reduce them in my mind and demeanour to the insects they are. And finally, refuse to be treated poorly by anyone, including my husband.

This week was my birthday. The day started out well enough but I did not get the attention I thought I would... which kicked my blue mood into high gear. I could not stand to be around myself so I left work and headed down to the beach. Yes, the beach which is a good hour and half a way. I drove all the way there, got out in the shopping district and wandered around for a bit, breathing in the smell of the rich. The smell of the rich as it turns out, is the smell of a Day Spa I walked by which emitted aromas of sea salt scrubs and rich, mineral infused lotions. I bought myself a cup of coffee and a whole grain bagel because I was too chicken to eat by myself in one of the small restaurants. It was too lonely of a prospect. I made my way back to my car, put my flip flops on, rolled up my pant legs and walked right into the waves that lapped at the shore. The sand is so beautiful- powdery white and soft. The water was cool but not cold and felt good. I picked up few shells and sat down on the sand. It was nice to be myself and think. I watched the waves roll in gently and watched a sail boat in the distance. As I sat there, I watched couples walk by as well as foreign women in fancy bathing suits, I was struck by a thought. Other than my husband and children, I have no immediate family living near me. They all live in other states. It dawned on me probably for the first time that I was missing out on the traditional family bonding- the boring graduations and obligatory barbeque's. But with the boredom came a sense of identity as well as civility. So many couples I know here in Florida struggle in their marriages, myself included. Without the routine of traditional family events, it's easy for couples to drift apart and become uncivil towards one another. Even though our family may be a phone call away, it's not the same as seeing them and being with them in person.

I was in the grocery store the other day and overheard a mother talking to her daughter on her cell phone. The mother was assuring her that "grandma" would be home and not to worry. What a nice thing that would be to have- another member of your tribe there to help out with your children. I think of this as I think about my in-laws who may end up needing a place to live (namely our house). I originally balked at the idea of having them live with us not because I don't love them, because I do but because of the fear of getting on each others nerves and becoming angry at each other. But then I think of the potentially good aspects- someone always home, always around. A helping hand, another ear to hear me vent.

Here is the potentially good aspects in your life.

Best,

C.

Possibilities?

2009-10-20T06:04:00.000-07:00

I received my blood test results this past Friday. My cholesterol is high and so are my triglycerides. And the voice of the youngish girl that gave me the results still rings in my head. She had a midwestern accent. "Don't eat Faattty foods or friied foods".
"I really don't" I wanted to reply. Or not as often as one would think. Needless to say I went home from work depressed and spent Friday night searching the net for ways to lower my cholesterol. Many of the meal suggestions I have already incorporated so now what? I have been exercising almost every day for at least for 60 minutes.

Then yesterday, I received another call from my doctor's office. I started to interrupt the girl thinking that she did not know that someone had already given me my results. "No", she said. "Your TSH levels came back". "Which are?" I asked. "Your thyroid", she said.

So my TSH levels are very high which indicate an underactive thyroid but my doctor wants me to get retested in 2 weeks just to make sure the results were not a "fluke". Honestly I was relieved to hear these results. I did some searching and it turns out that high cholesterol and hypothyroidism (underactive) go hand in hand. Many report that with thyroid medication not only do their TSH levels drop, but so does cholesterol (and weight!).

I know I need to confirm all of this with my doctor but this condition would explain a lot. Since I turned 35 almost 4 years ago, I have steadily gained 10 pounds a year with relatively little change in my diet. I know, I know about aging and the correlation of weight gain but 10lbs a year is a lot in my opinion.

So hear are some other symptoms with hypothyroidism that I have suffered with especially the last few years that I just chalked up to age and diet:

constipation (sorry folks but it's the truth)
heavier periods (I had my tubes tied and this is one of the side affects)
fatigue (let's face it- most working moms are tired and I am no exception)
high cholesterol
low blood pressure ( actually a good thing, relatively speaking)
weight gain (thyroid regulates metabolism and when it's underactive, metabolism slows down)
irritability

I am going back to the doctor's next week and will send an update at the end of the week if my results come back. The last thing I want is to be put on medication but if helps fix things, I would be very grateful)

I've Joined A Gym

2009-10-15T18:31:00.000-07:00

I will try to keep this as brief as possible. A while back I had posted my weight and desire to lose what is to me a lot of weight - 30-35lbs.

So, this past Saturday I joined a gym primarily because I have been angry at my husband and still sort of am. It's private and I won't post it here but suffice it to say that our issues have caused me to refocus on my weight.

I signed up at an all women's gym for a really good deal and attended a Zumba class. It was fun but I was not prepared for all the moves. I felt like I was part of a really disfunctional dance troop with me being the worst. The instructor was very good and really knew how to shake her thing to the music. I skipped Sunday but worked out M-W, had to skip today because of my schedule and will work out again tomorrow and Saturday.

I got weighed on Monday which is always nice and was told that I was in the "overweight" category and that my body fat was 35%. I really was not prepared for that. Then, she measured me. So the dietician told me to target getting down 15 pounds while building muscle at the same time. She told me to do 4 to 5 days of cardio which I hate and 2 of those days to include weight training. I was thrilled for some odd reason to learn that I measured a whole quarter inch taller than what I thought. I am 5'6 and a 1/4". I always thought I was just plain 5'6". That additional 1/4 inch probably kept me out of the "obese" category.

What I found really facinating was a poster on the wall in the dietician's office of a female body without skin. It was a mass of muscle and sinew and bones. For some reason this image comforts me. Too often I think women forget that we are flesh and bone and not just an image. So now when I work out I imagine muscles stretching and slightly tearing in order to build up stronger and leaner. I don't like to look in the mirrored walls but I force myself to in order to remind myself why I am there.

On Wednesday I attended an aerobic weight training class. If I go to hell, this will be the place. I should also mention that I woke up at 4:50 am to attend the 5:30am class. I could not find my keys (under my purse) and arrived just as the class was starting. I was jolted into bright lights, hard wooden floors and really loud pulsating music. To make matters worse, I discovered that I had to grab one of the "steps" for stepping and I did not know how to assemble the base. I won't bore you with the routines- just know that it was hard as hell. I did sweat a lot and felt good afterward but man... I need to build up my endurance before I attempt that again.

They only weigh once a month which is kind of good. I also have been eating 4 times a day- all relatively small meals or snacks. It' s hard to remember to eat that often but it's helping me to not have those ravenous moments, especially when I get home from work. What has been toughest is not having any wine. I LOVE wine. It totally relaxes me but I know I need to lay off for a while to minimize my calories.

I will keep you posted.

C.

Wouldn't It Be Great If...

2009-10-08T04:28:00.000-07:00

If I could work from home again?

In addition to wanting to start my own business, I would love to be able to work from home for a different company that appreciates me and the work that I do. But then, maybe that is the heart of my problem? I am expecting- no wanting a company to appreciate me when I should just concentrate on appreciating myself so that I CAN work from home and on my own terms.

I think for me the fantasy is for to go into work and say "someone else has hired me", like a scorned lover. To say, "someone else wants me". So there! But the words would fall on stone faces and debris filled ears would filter out everything but the necessary. This is what it is really about for me. Wanting to be wanted. On so many different levels.

So I go back and review my goals. I have a lot to learn in the way of changing my mind set. I know it can be done because I have done it, more than once. I changed to leave a broken marriage, I changed to go to graduate school so I could stand firmer on my own two feet. I changed to allow myself to be open, to stop playing the victim and what I intended to have happen, happened. Without a specific plan, just with intention and faith I was able to make the changes. Logically I have proven it can be done, that I can do it. But I find it so hard to get back into that space of just "letting go". It's more seductive to stay mired in the rut I have made for myself. But inch by inch, I am beginning to shift again and this time I hope it's full swing in the direction I want to be in for the rest of my life- forward. To be self reliant, confident and sure of my strengths. To know that I can manifest what I dream and ensure that the dreams are positive dreams.

I am feeling strangely powerful this morning. As if I could create anything right now.

What will you create today?

C

Dreamworld

2009-09-15T19:48:00.001-07:00

I stumbled upon a channel that features jazz music. Normally I do not like jazz at all but I am beginning to learn that I just do not understand the wide range of this type of music. Robin Thicke was singing his "Dreamworld" song and I was hypnotized by not only the video but the lyrics. The haunting words "the real world just don't seem right" describe how I feel exactly. I sometimes live in my own personal dreamworld, I think most of us do.

Normally I associate jazz with annoying clarinet riffs or skit skat dootle doots from some singer. This music I found, however, this jazz - is totally different. It's sexy. Soulful. I like to sing and the sign of a good song for me is one that I try to sing myself. But more than that, this music inspires me to get to the place in my own head where I can think unencumbered. I feel lighter. Watching this singer is a pure example, a tangible example of someone using their gifts. Precious few of us feel free enough to do that. Imagine what the world would be like if we could all do that, provided of course we understood what are gifts were?

When I was little, my mother always told me that I could be "whatever I wanted". Which at that age struck me as odd because wasn't I already something? I understood then that I had to learn to BE ... something other than what I already inherently knew I was. I was very imaginative and my best friend and I would spend hours in the tiny, perfectly landscaped neighborhood behind my house. This neighborhood stood in contrast to our own, somewhat rundown neighborhood we lived in. This other neighborhood had rows of tulips that stood at attention in several front yards. It was a wonderland we created for ourselves. A place where anything magical could happen. It was hard to stay in this state of mind for long, especially when an annoying boy would approach us in an effort to engage us into playing with him.

"Let's pretend we're deaf" my friend whispered.

Sure enough, this boy tried to talk to us and we immediately began fake-signing to each other. This display did not fool him.

Sullenly he said, "I know you guys can talk" and he slinked away leaving us to get back to our wonderworld.

We would then pick out which house was "our" house, always competing for the best looking one, usually a white cape cod with black shutters and a picket fence with beautiful beds of colorful flowers surrounding the house. The people all looked happy and shiny, washing their cars or walking their dogs. My neighborhood seemed like WWII London in comparison. Gray and bleak with run down houses, especially my own. The house I grew up in was a rancid, pink bungalow with peeling paint and a shitty, overgrown and pitted backyard littered with downed tree branches and a saggy clothing line. (The clothing line can serve as it's own post one day.)

Our main activity involved seeing whose yard we could sneak into without getting kicked out. It was thrilling to slide between rows of bushes and move from yard to yard, holding our breathes if we spotted a grown up.

"Do you know you are trespassing??" was an admonishment we heard more than once but more often than not we travelled very well between yards or "shortcuts" without incident.

So thank you Mr. Robin Thicke, soulful jazz singer for helping me to remember all of that.

Labor Day

2009-09-10T06:16:00.000-07:00

Hope you all had a great Labor Day weekend. It was so nice to have that extra day. I woke up on Sunday grateful and happy to have just one more day off.

Sunday we took the boat out on a lake. My husband wanted to test out the engine since it spent a good portion of this rainy summer under water. Boat ran fine and we all ended up tubing. Even me. The water of this lake is brakish- dark but warm. I was afraid to get on the tube because of the manatees and gators that tend to live in these waters. My husband said I HAD to do it so I got on and not only held on for dear life but also pointed my toes towards my head so that my whole body could rest on the tube and I would not have to put my legs/feet in the water. It was hard for me not to imagine bumping over a big sea cow and having it rip my leg off as I passed over. Or a boa constrictor (which are also abundant here), water moccasin or even a fish with teeth somehow taking a piece of me with it down into the depths of the dark water. I lasted maybe, maybe 8 minutes total and then was pulled back in. I honestly did not think of the alligators until I got to work when my friends all reminded me of this fact. Yuck.

I did not do too much in the way of cooking like I usually do. Labor Day was actually low key and at the end of the day I readied our wine glasses, had them lined up and ready to pour red wine when I heard a blood curldling scream from the back patio. My six year old son accidentally fell in the pool in such a way that he banged his head on the step, instantly splitting his eye on the side. Time stands still in these moments. I pushed aside my shock and found a towel and put it on his eye. I took him inside and somehow calmly stripped him out of his wet bathing suit and put a clean pair of pajama pants on him, found his flip flops, grabbed a clean shirt and my husband and I loaded him into the car. Of course, every walk-in clinic was closed but luckily we found a Pediatric emergency care open and they took very good care of him. Luckily he did not need stitches and the doctor just applied dermabond to keep the skin together. I felt so bad for him- he was so worried about the prospects of stitches. So, he has a black eye but is in good spirits. Back to his normal self and misbehaving in school. Sigh.

Hope you all were able to enjoy the time off.

C

Feeling Better

2009-09-03T11:46:00.001-07:00

I already mentioned that I have been feeling better since I have starting eating healthier. But it's also because I have started to let go of a lot of the negative stuff I have been holding onto about work.

http://widelawns.blogspot.com/ has mentioned the negative chatter that she has dealt with and learned to silence and this describes my problem as well. I sometimes allow myself to slide down a self-pitying path and mentally leap frog from issue to issue until I become so depressed that I physically shake my head in an effort to snap out of it. I have been getting better. Lately, I will tell myself "really? Are you really going to allow 2 bad pictures of you taken on vacation to rule your thoughts for the entire DAY? Honestly"? And this seems to help me snap out of it.

So the work stuff. I received a review that I was not pleased with. I was described as "basic". I cried for 2 days about this because the feedback I had been receiving all year long from the groups I support was very positive. The issue is with the leadership team that reviewed me. They did not place as much emphasis on this feedback as I hoped and in comparison to my peers, despite my - yes I will say it- glowing reviews from my groups, I was ultimately summarized as "providing the basics". This seems to happen to me every few years. As soon as leadership changes, suddenly I am considered a top performer again. I struggle with this and perhaps this is just the nature of large corporations. Each time this happens I am unable to reconcile the notion that one year I am great and the next just mediocre. My work ethic has always remained the same and the years I am top rated, I have put in the exact same amount of effort.

I allowed myself to go through all of the emotions, shock, anger, sadness and finally questioning my abilities. After a few weeks, the depression breaks without warning and I am suddenly optimistic again. This optimistic feeling comes from the real me, the one that gets tired of feeling down or allowing others to make me feel less than. It's the authentic me that rises up and feels blessed and happy to be in my own skin. I feel beautiful again and strong and most importantly whole.

The bad work stuff is a blessing for me. It forces me to realize that I deserve more than what I have allowed myself. I am a creative person, an intelligent person that cannot be contained by an arbitrary performance review. It's unnatural for me, like wearing shoes that are too small. I walk around jammed in a space that does not fit and chafe and blister until I burst into tears and realize that the only way for relief is to release myself. This is where I am right now- needing to release myself. To be free.

I was watching a show about a relatively new country music band called Lady Antelbellum. Hearing the story of how they formed their group was fascinating. One of the young men quit his 9 to 5 job and then convinced his friend to do the same and move to Nashville. Once there they literally bumped into a young woman who was a singer/songwriter. From that seemingly random event their band was formed.

So I need to be paying attention to more random events.

C.

Checking In

2009-09-03T11:42:00.000-07:00

Ok. So much for holding myself accountable.

I apologize for not checking in last Friday. It's just highlights my lack of committment to losing weight... I am ashamed to admit that I was tempted to delete my last post but I decided to be a big girl (ha ha) and leave it.

So I did not meet my goal of losing 10 lbs in 1 week which I knew was agressive. I have lost 2 -3 pounds instead. The positive is that I have been eating really healthy so I am glad about that. The biggest thing for me is just being aware of my weight, recognizing that I need to be healthier and most importantly feeling better (I will talk about this in a separate post).

That's all for now.

C.

A Scale of Proportions

2009-08-21T05:11:00.000-07:00

I stepped on the scale today for the first time since October 2008 when I was at my doctor's office. I weigh 180 lbs.

Getting on the scale has always been difficult for me. I weighed 165lbs in highschool when most girls my age weighed under 120 lbs. I am not a big eater but clearly I do make the wrong choices sometimes and so I gain weight and keep it on for a long time.

I weigh the most I have ever weighed, even when I was 9 months pregnant with each of my three children. To be sure, I have been in a state of denial. It's just easier to buy a bigger pair of pants. But I do feel terrible, not just esthetically, but physically as well. I have almost constant lower back pain and horrible digestion issues. I feel bloated and stuffed and when I look at pictures of me that were taken on our vacation last week, it looks as if I ate my former self. My face is swollen looking- it looks as if I had my tonsils out.

Since highschool, I have always been able to lose weight and keep it off. 145-150 lbs is normal for me since I am 5'6" and curvy. This past two years I have just lived in constant denial about my weight. I am tempted to go on a crash diet just to get some of it off but I feel too weak to even try. In the past I would weigh myself obsessively until the weight came off. So this time, I have no baby to show for my weight gain- just a belly and hips full of blubber, all ready large breasts that have swelled another cup size, and a pretty face hidden under bloated cheeks.

How do I start? If I listed here what I normally ate you would think "how did she get to 180 lbs??" I don't snack, I don't chow down on chips or cookies or candy. Cooking has always been a love of mine and I like watch most of the cooking shows so I end up using too much oil and butter for what I need. And I love, love red wine. I would rather have a great glass of red wine then eat dinner most nights. But usually I end up doing both. I look and feel like a marshmallow.

I know I need to start NOW but don't want to because dieting is hard and weight loss for me is slow. But I am writing to set a goal and more importantly keep myself accountable.

My goal for the week of 8/24/09

Weigh 170 by Friday, 8/28/09

Goal for week of 8/31/09

Weigh 165

Goal for week of 9/6/09

Weigh 160

Goal for week of 9/13/09

Weigh 155

Goal for week of 9/20/09

Weigh 150

Goal for week of 9/27/09

Weigh 145 ** Goal **

Check to see if back pain is gone, if digestion is regulated, if bra size is down.

Buena Suerte!

Ten Minutes to Write

2009-08-13T08:43:00.001-07:00

OK. I have literally ten minutes to write before my next meeting. Although I could probably type this in the meeting as well... instead of paying attention like I am supposed to.

I am getting ready for vacation and am SO excited that I can barely stand it. My family and I have not been on a real vacation in a while. We are going to the Georgia Mountains and I look forward to just being outside, breathing in fresh air and tipping my toes in cool, fresh water. We don't have much of that in Florida and I often feel guilty that my kids have missed out on this experience.

I think I am more excited to not be at work for an entire week. That's the best part for me. I have come across so many wonderful blogs in the past view weeks. Like this one http://lalalovelythings.blogspot.com/ which displays beautiful photographs just for the sake of being beautiful and for really great writing check out this site http://kdsthinkingoutloud.blogspot.com/

I have not said much have I? Well, we will have to just get to know each other better then.

Off to the meeting.

Welcome to my Boring Blog

2009-08-01T13:04:00.000-07:00

True- my life is pretty boring in comparison to a lot of other bloggers. But it's real and it's me.

I don't have any cool pictures to post. Maybe if I had, I would draw more people to my little blog and possibly even entice a few to leave me some comments.

Someone was reading my blog yesterday, according to my stat counter so that's good!

I made the decision to stop paying my mortgage. This is the first time in my life I have ever done this. You are reading the blog of a deadbeat. 7/31 was the last day I could have paid without going over 30 days. The night of 7/30, I laid awake pretty much all night staring at the ceiling feeling a mixture of despair, guilt and stress. It has come down to either being late on credit cards or the mortgage. We have been so broke- great credit- but completely broke. We got to the point that whenever we had a large expense like a medical bill or car repair, we turned to credits cards. It had to stop. If it means losing my house, then I suppose it's deserved. We made bad financial decisions and are trying to dig our way out by paying as many debts as possible. I hope to be able to do a short sale, since we are upside down in the house. Wells Fargo refuses to help and keeps telling me they will send paperwork for a possible loan modification but I have yet to receive it despite my numerous phone calls.

I just got tired of being on the rat wheel. I've GOT to pay off the debt and start building some type of savings, even if it means renting for the next few years. We have to change our behavior otherwise things will never change, never get better. I don't blame anyone buy myself. I hold myself accountable for the debt but also for a better future. It IS within my control.

So, for those of you struggling financially, take heart. You are not a lone. Expand your thinking as I have- create options for yourself. Yes your credit will be damaged but that can be repaired with time. I was at the point where my bank account was negative every pay day and I had to scrimp to pay for food and gas for my car to get to work. Don't ever paint yourself in a corner like I did. You deserve better than that and so do I.

If anyone reads this and is currently going through something similar or has made it out, please share your experiences with me. I need some hope right now. And someone to keep kicking me in the ass to do the right thing.

Out of Balance

2009-07-13T19:12:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in my beautiful house, perfectly comfortable after having a long weekend away from work.

The feeling is the same as when I have gone on a nice, long vacation. I am always left with the same feeling which is that if I never had to go back, I would not miss it. I no longer connect with it as part of my identity. I think that most of us want and need to be good at something or want to be thought of as being good as something. I don't think this is the same thing as being good. When you think about it the word "good" itself is completely subjective.

Yesterday, my husband drove me around two beautiful sections of Tampa. We visited Davis Island and then Hyde Park which are two upscale neighborhoods both lined with old live oak trees and a selection of unique homes- some large and some small and quaint with architectural details from the 1920's that you would never find in the sprawling suburbs that dominate most of Tampa. We came across one house on David Island that was for sale (there were some for sale on every street). It was a newer house made to look like it was built in the 1920's. It was a spanish style home with barrel tile roof and beautiful arched wooden front doors with iron detailing. My husband found an open gate in the back and found an open door to the hosue. We nervously ventured inside, unsure if we would set off alarms. The house was completely empty. The back french doors opened up to a gorgeous kitchen with a center island that was itself a piece of furniture- two dish washers, commercial grade appliances, a warming drawer and two different colors of gleaming granite. Even the lighting fixtures were unique and not the typical stuff you would find in a Home Depot or Lowes. There was also a carved stone fireplace. And. The house sat on Tampa Bay ocean front. Sigh. The house was so far out of our range- $3.9 million to be exact. Instead of feeling wistful upon leaving I was instead thoughtful. It amazed and surprised me that such a house was even crafted and that a person of heavy financial means could buy it. Strangely, it made me happy to know this. It seemed an accomplishment to me or a testament that grand things were possible. I think this is what struck me the most was the possibility of such grand things.

Viewing this house helped me change my perspective or at least adjust it. I realized that even with a promotion at work, I could never afford this type of house and was said promotion all I would ever aspire to? Or was thing more? Could there be more? I believe the answer to be yes. I quickly realized, even though I have thought this before, that I will never become wealthy working for someone else. Never. And I realized that I do not want to work for anyone else anymore.

You can probably guess that I was passed over for a promotion. Indeed. Nothing like good, stiff rejection to get the imagination flowing. I my efforts in area where they did not belong and my heart- no my soul was never really in it. I want more time with my family. It's when I feel the most peaceful. I feel the most serene when I am at home, in a clean house, children fed and clean and put to bed without a rush. It feels the most authentic to sit in the silence of the house I made for my family. My job is an added burden, the most distasteful waste of my time and talents.

I do not have a trust fund. Don't even have a plan. All I have is this blog, the ability to write and the hope and determination that I can make a better life for myself and my family. I do not know what to do next- only to keep going, to keep writing and keep imagining my life as I know it could be. Freer, happier, lighter.

I know it starts with being grateful. And I am. But it's also time to start wrapping things up at work as if. As if is huge. I will start living as if I have given my notice and start preparing for my truer life.

A Question

2009-06-26T09:30:00.000-07:00

What exactly am I doing?

Why do I allow myself to get worked up about a new role that I probably won't even like. I had two interviews this week and the one today left me feeling very doubtful because it was subtly suggested that another, lower level role may become available with a (hint hint wink wink) look. Sigh. I know I am better than that so why get worked up right?

I just need to really think about my priorities and what exactly I want to do with my life and stop living day to day.

Monday

2009-05-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hello Readers, and I use the term "readers" loosley because according to my stat counter there a precious few of you that visit myhumble blog. But, I do appreciate the ones that stop by- more than you know. If you could do me a favor, and please leave a little comment now and I again I would be very grateful.

So my struggle with writing this blog is that it feels incredibly self-indulgent which goes counter with my limited, uptight semi-white trash upbringing. Positive thinking did not happen in my household, it was too risky and inevitably if we dared try it - we ended up with the dreaded "I told you so" look or lecture. It really depended on the situation and the amount of energy stored up by my mother.

But I survived all that but still struggle with acknowledging my talents. Talent is such a broad term isn't it? As in, she is a talented tight-rope walker. Or talented desinger/singer/actress. The word talent is usually followed by a title or label. So although I can admit that I am talented, I am relunctant to reveal to you all exactly what for fear of being judged or measured. Or weighed in some cases. So, please do not be alarmed if you notice a few of my blogs that I delete. It's me, not you and it will take me some time to trust that putting my thoughts out there are appropriate. Some entries are better left to my personal journal. I am also not the type that will post cute pictures or mostly any pictures. I have that stupid candle that I am trying to remove but I can only replace it with something else and I have not found anything else less stupid.

Ok, so I believe that you are talented as well. Honestly. I can feel it. That's why I started this blog- to connect with others who feel it too or just want to connect or plug into this collectiveness that has grown out there on the web. This is what I hope I can grow my blog to be- a place where like minds can share their talents or their positive thinking or anything else that will add to us as people instead of detract. There is so much negative news out there- so much that it makes my eyes hurt to look at it all. I think one of the reason's why is that it is much easier, socially to commiserate with someone else than to celebrate our successes. It's backwards and I want to help change that.

I hope you decide to join me.

Best,

C.

I Passed Y'all!

2009-01-26T17:53:00.000-08:00

I should have posted the night I passed so that I could accurately convey the feeling of euphoria I felt. It was incredible.

I made myself nearly ill with all the studying to the point that I was dizzy when I entered the testing site. After checking my driver's license and giving me a key to a small locker, I was instructed to remove my watch and put all of my belongings into the locker and then walk into the testing room with license in hand. I was placed in a partitioned cubicle with a desktop computer. People sat on both sides of me but we could not see each other. I took a deep breath and saw that my name and test were displayed on the screen. I then started the test. Initially the black text shimmered before me. It was difficult to focus. I read through the first few questions and honestly began to panic. I did not know the answers. At least I did not think I did. I predicted failure which is a weakness of mine. I could not have studied harder but I still doubted myself. After a few more minutes of intense dread, I told myself that I did not want to have to EVER study for this certification again and that I had better get it together. So I did. And I found out my results right after the exam. I cannot tell you how relieved I am. I was so worn out from the stress that I actually laid down for bed at 9pm which is rare for me since I am a night owl.

It feels great to have my time back and not be constantly worried about having to study or take notes. I feel so proud of myself for passing. It's a difficult cert to obtain and I still cannot really believe that I have it now.

The best part is that I feel blessed today. Blessed because of all the kind words that were spoken to me before I took the test. The genuine well wishing made me feel abundant. Friends of mine sent me texts telling me they were thinking of me and wished me luck. The thing is, had I not shared by struggles with them, they would never have known and I would never have been able to receive these blessings.

I truly believe that the well wishing helped propel me to success. So now, I am sending these same feelings of success to my friend who is taking the same exam tomorrow.

Good luck my friend. I will be thinking of you.

C.

Gratitude

2009-01-09T05:06:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling grateful. So, I wanted to write this down as I am feeling it and then save it so that I can look at it again when I am feeling not so grateful.

Feeling calm, feeling peaceful. I am grateful for the small things like clean laundry, a roof over my head and the possibility of more. The trick is to try and stay in this feeling because in my life I have found that as soon as I stop worrying and I mean really just letting it go, things get better. I know it's not an accident yet I find myself in the same pattern. It's common for people who grew up poor to feel stuck in that cycle yet I look around me and I have a lot. I really do.

I remember my mother sitting at the kitchen table when I was younger writing out her list of bills and watching her become so stressed out. She would scribble numbers and then scratch things off as the balance got lower and lower. We also had a "bill"drawer in the kitchen. Why even name a drawer something so miserable? But that is where she would stuff all of the unopened phone, electric, gas, water bills. My mom and step dad would procrastinate to the point where all of the above would get shut off. Imagine waking up to a cold, dark house and then trying to flush the toilet. As bad as it was, most of it was probably avoidable. But the worry got in the way. They would go out to the bars instead of dealing with reality. They were always borrowing money yet still behind on the mortgage. And I inherited this mentality. Except I do pay my bills but work myself into a frenzy at times worrying about it all because the fact is that not only do I have a lot, I have too much. I invited this stress into my life.

So, I take a deep breath and make sure that my money corner is clear. What's a money corner? Why it's the left corner of a room silly. You must put green or red in the corner and keep it clean so money flows to you. This is called feng shui and I must be doing it wrong because it only works some of the time it seems. My kids don't understand why I have a fit when they move the fake green plant off the chair in the kitchen corner. I say nothing because I don't want to pass on my neurosis about the whole concept of "lack" in life. They just think I like order. Or that I am nuts.

I have this dream of walking along the beach. I am older. My kids are grown. I am walking with my husband and some good friends, our best friends. Our days revolve around either deep discussions about life or laughing like hell at the memories we have created. This is where I hope to be one day.

Maybe life is about opening ourselves up to peace, to being grateful. There will always be things to worry about. Some people think it’s a choice. I don't think this is true. I don’t think people really choose to be miserable. I think, like me they get stuck and forget how good it feels to well, feel good.

Feel good people.

C.

Happy New Year and a Message for You

2009-01-04T23:19:00.000-08:00

Here is my first post for the New Year.

It's 2am in the morning and for anyone who reads this, I want to tell you this one thing :

Hold on.

I am up at 2am because I cannot sleep. Like many, I am worried about the economy, worried about my house, worried about my family. "Logic" tells me to give in to this worry but something else inside me is telling me to hold on. I cannot explain it. It's just a feeling. It makes no logical sense because I "should" be worried. But I am starting to rebel and usually for me this means change is coming. Positive change.

Change is scary and it's hard but if you block out all of the "what if's" and just focus on what your gut is trying to tell you, I think you will be just fine. I don't have very much money to give but I wanted to give something. I offer some positive thoughts and encouragement to anyone who needs it.

Reading other's blogs has given me the inspiration to start my own. So thank you, to all of the bloggers out there who share their life with us. You make us laugh, you make us think, and most importantly I think, you give us hope that a collective spirit exits of wanting to connect in a positive way. The blogs are real, the people are real and I think the stories are real. So when you are burned out on the news sites reporting on incessant negativity, read a blog.

Feel better.

C.

The Urge

2008-12-22T19:04:00.000-08:00

Here it is. Before your very own eyes. My first blog!

I am resisting the urge to just sit blankly in front of my laptop and surf random sites over and over until my eyes glaze over. Such a waste of time. I spend far too much time doing this.

Tonight I watched a movie entitled "The Women". It was a story about a woman that lost touch with herself in the midst of a marriage and raising a child. Her husband cheats on her and as a result, she wakes up to her life. Through her pain she finds the courage to reconnect with her authentic self, her inner spark as a clothing designer. Her daughter gains a new appreciation and respect for her mother. Husband wants the chance to get to know her again. Happily ever after. Uh huh.

I would like to be able to someday inspire my own children as well. I feel very mediocre but then who wouldn't after you just watched a movie about a beautiful woman whose friends all shop at Saks? I want my children (hell myselef! ) To find the thing they love most and also have the courage to do it and do it with all that's within them. I am not sure how to do this. I have been struggling for years to "discover" my true talents, my "gifts" or simply my purpose. I think I have been ignoring what's right in front of me. My family. If I truly place them first in the context of what is most important, I think the rest would follow. Yes, I know that I know that "I" am supposed to come first but the reality is that putting yourself first when you are married with children results in very confusing, soul wrenching years of trying to discover "who you really are". Yes, I have a quite the collection of the ol' self help genre of books. Most of which have done me no good. It is good to turn to them but when I am truly feeling down and out the book I return to again and again is "Woman Hollering Creek" by Sandra Cisneros. Her writing is so raw and real that it pierces me every time. Wakes me up a little but then- I am a very sleepy person.

Sorry if this is a little heavy tone readers. Be gentle, I am a beginner. It's also what you get when I do not have any wine in my system. My stomach will not stand for it tonight and I thought it only proper to be completely sober for my first post. Better to make a good impression. Fortunately I will have lots of opportunity to unimpress you.
Best,

C.