Choosing Peace

I find myself in a funnel.   This feels like a good thing because the negative thoughts are swirling around me but I am not swirling with them.  I am inside, safe.

I could be ruminating, as this is what I typically do when I hear bad news.   But instead, I choose peace.   over anger.  Because I am worth the self care that it takes to be peaceful and so are you.

My ego is chattering away telling me how wronged I have been, that I should file a formal complaint, that I have been discriminated against, etc.  If I choose to give energy to these things, then I make them real.  If I step back, and hold back the tidal wave of self pity, I can see that what happened does not matter.  It does not change or define who I am.   The truth is, I am really free.

The truth is, I experienced a profound experience which saved my life.    Their is a warrior inside of me that led me out of the dark and into the light of self care.  Yes, there were wonderful friends and family that helped along the way but this journey could only be taken by me.  

Safe Place

This blog is my safe place for me to put my feelings into words.  It also gives me an opportunity to go back and reflect on what I have written, a month ago, a year ago.   It's really revelatory.

In February of last year I wrote a post about what I really wanted to be doing.  By a series of unfortunate but synchronistic events, what I wrote more than a year ago has become an actual reality.  It    actually shocked me to go back and read the words I wrote.

I had written that I wished I could be home full time, taking care of my children, my home and my garden.  This is exactly what I have been doing for the past four months and it has been wonderful.  I am grateful every single day for the opportunity to be home.   I do not ever want to return to the way things were, not with a job, not with my marriage and not with myself.  

I do not ever want to work for anyone ever again.   I want to do the work I was born to do and be handsomely paid for it.   I want the freedom to pay for whatever I need or want.   I want to be the owner of my own time.   And for the most part, I am.

It has been a long process for me.   Being away from my  job for several months has been both liberating and terrifying.   Liberating in that I am living my dream of working on what I want to do and spending a lot of time with my children.  Terrifying in that I made the choice to leave a job that was terrible for me, an albatross that I have had trouble removing.   This comes from the conditioning that most people my age have received around expectations and fear.   Fear has been the big one for me, even though I know deep down how brave I am.    I have accomplished and overcome so much in my life and it's easy to overlook these things because feeling unsafe or uncomfortable is so painfully familiar.

I am committed to sticking with my becoming an entrepreneur, of creating multiple, profitable income streams that allow me and my family to have the lifestyle I envision.

The lifestyle I envision appears before me as living at the beach, in Treasure Island, Florida.  I see myself shopping at the Publix there, walking on the beach with my husband and family and walking to eat at the nearby restaurants.   I see a thriving consulting practice that focuses on helping women embrace introversion and leveraging it for success.    I see myself teaching and guiding hundreds, thousands of women virtually, one on one or in front of large audiences.   I see myself travelling to participate in speaking engagements or to hold special classes or workshops.  I see a brand new white SUV and driving around in comfort.   I see myself with finding new ways to create money, buckets in a stream of money wealth.   I see myself volunteering and donating money to causes that help women be successful.  That teach, that enlighten.  I see myself part of a wonderful tribe of beautiful, smart, loving women.  Living in the mountains part of the year in a comfortable home, the ability to visit my family as often as I want.

Lots of love and affection from my husband, great sex life, intimate and connected.  Loving relationships with my self sufficient, successful children.   Most of all loving myself.

Plenty of cash, comfortable homes and cars, great meals and experiences, wonderful relaxing or stimulating trips.   A peaceful life.

It's Getting Better

I feel a true shift in myself and all I can say is...... thank God!

I look back at my old blog posts and can see the anguish, the fear and the general listlessness about my career and life in general.

So what changed?

Three things. First, I hired and intuitive named Amy Oscar. She does energy work and listens to the energy in your voice. It may sound strange but for anyone that has been reading my blog, you know that I have been growing desperate for some kind of guidance. All I can say is that the meeting was amazing and she helped me feel like I was on the right path. She also told me what others have told me in the past and which I have persitently ignored - that I am a teacher, intuitive, attuned, a writer, etc.





I ignored the "teacher" description of myself because I had always associated this with traditional teaching... like in an elementary school.... making very little money. My thoughts on teaching have definitely expanded. I realized that in my current work as a Human Resources Manager that I teach, guide or coach for a living. I help people make transitions, as a new hire, employee and and upon departure. The consulting aspect comes naturally and I really enjoy this part of my job. I dislike the corporate environment, the lack of challenge and most of all, the fact that I am not at home more for my children. I explained to Amy that I had this yearning to be home more for my youngest son, who will be eight in August. My older daughters are teenagers and while I feel they still "need" me, I feel my son needs me physically just as I need him. So Amy let me tell her my vision of being home with my son AND doing work that is fulfilling for me. It felt selfish to describe this vision, I mean shouldn't I just be grateful that I have a job? Yes, I should always be grateful for everything. I believe only good comes from that and sets you up, shores you up for the path you were meant to take. Amy told me I was in control, that I was the "wizard" and had the power to make it happen.





The second thing I did was continue to build my tribe on twitter. I only follow people who appear to be like minded or inspirational. This has helped me tremendously. This expanding network connects me to all kinds of interesting ideas and gives me a daily boost.





The third thing I did was I found the courage to interview and hire a Life Coach. Again, I have thought about hiring one for years but (insert excuse), the bottom line was that I felt I did not deserve the investment in myself. I signed on for three months, so we will see. There are so many coaches out there and I am so darn picky that I struggled to make a choice. I finally selected a coach whose website I loved and whose message I loved more. There was no dreaded sales pitch, just compassion. I could take my time, this coach said and if it felt right we could work together. My choice.





I spend a lot of time on introspection, maybe too much. I also keep a journal and despite my sporadic entries it is hard to ignore the patterns that have emerged. I sat down one day and asked the infinite, "What are my gifts? and How do I serve?". A string of words were jotted down, and I summarized the list with this: "idea translator". I am an idea translator?? What? You don't mean a coach do you? Like crazy Liza Life Coach? (Cheri O'Teri, wonderful actress from SNL) This only added to my resistance. I admitted this to my coach and she just laughed and acknowledged that coaching gets a bad rap and there is a movement within the industry to try and change that.








These are just a few steps I have taken and it has felt good to actually start something. The shift that I described culminated in a realization that what I really want to do is somehow teach, or guide of coach for a living, working for myself. I surrendered to the fact that asking for help is a good thing for me, and really a necessary thing if I want to really change my life. Finding your true passion can be difficult and I wanted to share my experience in hopes that someone else can be helped by it. Open yourself up to what others are saying, step back and reframe it. See if it fits.

Can Someone Please Make a Voodoo Doll of me and Kick My A__?

I am bored to tears at work. I am grateful to have a job, yes. But cannot help but feel irresponsible for not doing something else ( I was going to say "more" but it's not more I need, it's different). I know all about the need to take action. Take Action! Now! Your time is NOW! Shouting doesn't help matters because clearly I am still sitting here, typing this blog. I am like my young son who often tunes me out when I shout. Can't say I blame him. We shout when we are exasperated. When we feel we have no other tools to use.

It's the quiet subtleties, the undertones, the wily inspiration that stays hidden from our everyday focus. This is what drives me crazy. I feel lazy and lethargic and tired of myself. But I feel this way because I get jolts of optimism. And then crash, and then back up again. It's not healthy.

I sit in meetings and have to be prodded to respond to some inane question that is asked of me. It's not fair to them. I just don't belong here yet I sit here and type? Productive I am not.

I am reading Margaret Roach's "and I shall have some peace there". I found it at the book store the other day while shopping for my daughter's SAT book. I sat down and read 20 pages of it. The book is about her leaving a high paying corporate job to live full time at her farm house and tend her garden. She did not have some big epiphany (thank goodness because I would be furious if she did, so jealous would I be!) or experience any kind of crisis such as a layoff or health scare. I have not gotten to the core of why yet as I am still reading the beginning stage where she is explaining how she had to try and separate from her old identity. The woman who always worked for someone else, always had a title and there she was- untethered. No job and a fear of prying open her "real" self. I will let you know how it goes. I like it so far.

So I am going now. Poke me a few times today, will you? Remind me that I need to be doing something else, anything else than what I am currently doing.

Thanks a million.

Happy Friday

Man, am I glad it's Friday! The weather is getting so much better here in Florida. It's making me restless and wanting to head to the beach, which we may do tomorrow.

My oldest daughter is sitting for her SAT's tomorrow. I remember doing the same thing more than 20 years ago on a breezy Connecticut morning, feeling nervous and anxious. My grades were always very good but I was not a big reader back then. As a result, my English scores were not a high as they could have been. I still got into a good college.

I question the point of college these days. If this last few rough economic years have taught us anything it is that now more than ever, we need to become more self reliant. Self employment to me, is the deal young people should strive for. But let me qualify that. If what they love to do does not require a traditional employer, then they should seek self employment. If, however, they fell called to serve the public, then they should pursue that. My point is that college should not be a requirement for success. It often isn't.

So, my daughter is applying to colleges. Not for a career, not for a future, not for any of the old reasons. She's applying because she just wants to. She has no major in mind, is not overly social, she just wants to study. I believe that was the original purpose of college- higher learning. And I really admire her for that.

My growing up experience was that you had "better to this or bad things will happen". You will end up living in a van down by the river, or if you live in Florida you will don a orange reflective vest and pan handle for change. Not without it's ingenuity or charm I might add. Now a days, she could live on an organic, self sustaining farm....in a solar powered van, down by the river. Or she could be an entrepreneur and vie for angel investors in the form of kind souls who deposit change in her jar as she stands on the medium in her signature orange vest. I am kidding, but only kind of. My goal is for her not to buy in to the false promises I bought into at her age. I wished I had worked less and had more fun. Traveled more, studied less and loved more. It's about richer experiences rather than a richer bank account.

What say you?

Coming Alive

There is something in me that is starting to unfold. At times, I feel as if there is a novel waiting to be written by me, or a short story or a play. Something. These thoughts come in flashes. It's the muse, (my muse?) whispering past me or through me. I am alert but never take action. If I do decide to write something, I know it will be quick. I will have to sit and write it all out, at once. This is how good writing comes to me. In flashes. And when I use the qualifier "good" I mean writing for me that is focused, instead of my normal, random ramblings which are usually grounded in some form of self pity, unfortunately.

I have a friends tell me they enjoy receiving my letters. That I am funny. I do like to write. As an introvert, it's the most supreme way of communicating for me. My husband, on the other hand hates the hand written letters from me. He considers it impersonal. He would rather I talk things out with him. He's a talker and I am too to a degree. I believe I am more of a debater though. It can be exhausting dealing with me because I cannot help but pick apart and drag up memories to make my point or provide context so that I am not misunderstood. It comes across as self righteous and I am really working on that. Trying to be more open and less judgemental.

I am sitting here at work writing this when I should be working. There is lots to do and I don't want to do any of it really. When I am driving my son to school, I sometimes feel hopeful that I will be able to create a more flexible lifestyle for myself and my family. I really want to be the mom that volunteers at school and picks up her son from "pick up point" instead of having him ride the bus to aftercare and is often, one of the last kids to get picked up.

I had a conversation about this a few weeks ago with a good friend. I have created this situation. And instead of getting depressed, I am committed to creating a better situation. That's all I need to do- is just commit to making things better. Don't think about the how or the why, just the belief that I have the power to make things better and I can start in small ways.

I believe I have it in me to adjust my life in a way that creates both flexibility and opportunity for me. I am striving to be more aware... so that next time, I can recognize the muse as she comes, instead of realizing that she's just left.

Today

As I drove to work today, I had those same thoughts again. Thoughts about quitting my job.

My plan is to actually make a plan and follow it. Sounds simple right? If I let fear control me instead of harness me, then I will not be able make the progress that I need to. No "goals" really just a deep desire to change, radically. To say "why not?" instead of "how?".

My thoughts are to quit and withdraw my small pension to pay off some debts. It's not pragmatic, certainly not responsible in the traditional sense. So far, nothing else has worked for me. I read and plan and scheme. I even say it out loud but I seem to just talk around the edges of what I want to do instead of just doing it. I have already posted about wanting to take better care of my family and myself. I still do. Part of me believes that if I take good care of my home it will take care of me. I really believe that. Why not? (I really want to say how....)

Another police officer was shot and killed last night. This after two other officers died last month. I worry so much for my husband, now more than ever. It makes me question what I am doing with my life.