I find myself in a funnel. This feels like a good thing because the negative thoughts are swirling around me but I am not swirling with them. I am inside, safe.
I could be ruminating, as this is what I typically do when I hear bad news. But instead, I choose peace. over anger. Because I am worth the self care that it takes to be peaceful and so are you.
My ego is chattering away telling me how wronged I have been, that I should file a formal complaint, that I have been discriminated against, etc. If I choose to give energy to these things, then I make them real. If I step back, and hold back the tidal wave of self pity, I can see that what happened does not matter. It does not change or define who I am. The truth is, I am really free.
The truth is, I experienced a profound experience which saved my life. Their is a warrior inside of me that led me out of the dark and into the light of self care. Yes, there were wonderful friends and family that helped along the way but this journey could only be taken by me.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Safe Place
This blog is my safe place for me to put my feelings into words. It also gives me an opportunity to go back and reflect on what I have written, a month ago, a year ago. It's really revelatory.
In February of last year I wrote a post about what I really wanted to be doing. By a series of unfortunate but synchronistic events, what I wrote more than a year ago has become an actual reality. It actually shocked me to go back and read the words I wrote.
I had written that I wished I could be home full time, taking care of my children, my home and my garden. This is exactly what I have been doing for the past four months and it has been wonderful. I am grateful every single day for the opportunity to be home. I do not ever want to return to the way things were, not with a job, not with my marriage and not with myself.
I do not ever want to work for anyone ever again. I want to do the work I was born to do and be handsomely paid for it. I want the freedom to pay for whatever I need or want. I want to be the owner of my own time. And for the most part, I am.
It has been a long process for me. Being away from my job for several months has been both liberating and terrifying. Liberating in that I am living my dream of working on what I want to do and spending a lot of time with my children. Terrifying in that I made the choice to leave a job that was terrible for me, an albatross that I have had trouble removing. This comes from the conditioning that most people my age have received around expectations and fear. Fear has been the big one for me, even though I know deep down how brave I am. I have accomplished and overcome so much in my life and it's easy to overlook these things because feeling unsafe or uncomfortable is so painfully familiar.
I am committed to sticking with my becoming an entrepreneur, of creating multiple, profitable income streams that allow me and my family to have the lifestyle I envision.
The lifestyle I envision appears before me as living at the beach, in Treasure Island, Florida. I see myself shopping at the Publix there, walking on the beach with my husband and family and walking to eat at the nearby restaurants. I see a thriving consulting practice that focuses on helping women embrace introversion and leveraging it for success. I see myself teaching and guiding hundreds, thousands of women virtually, one on one or in front of large audiences. I see myself travelling to participate in speaking engagements or to hold special classes or workshops. I see a brand new white SUV and driving around in comfort. I see myself with finding new ways to create money, buckets in a stream of money wealth. I see myself volunteering and donating money to causes that help women be successful. That teach, that enlighten. I see myself part of a wonderful tribe of beautiful, smart, loving women. Living in the mountains part of the year in a comfortable home, the ability to visit my family as often as I want.
Lots of love and affection from my husband, great sex life, intimate and connected. Loving relationships with my self sufficient, successful children. Most of all loving myself.
Plenty of cash, comfortable homes and cars, great meals and experiences, wonderful relaxing or stimulating trips. A peaceful life.
In February of last year I wrote a post about what I really wanted to be doing. By a series of unfortunate but synchronistic events, what I wrote more than a year ago has become an actual reality. It actually shocked me to go back and read the words I wrote.
I had written that I wished I could be home full time, taking care of my children, my home and my garden. This is exactly what I have been doing for the past four months and it has been wonderful. I am grateful every single day for the opportunity to be home. I do not ever want to return to the way things were, not with a job, not with my marriage and not with myself.
I do not ever want to work for anyone ever again. I want to do the work I was born to do and be handsomely paid for it. I want the freedom to pay for whatever I need or want. I want to be the owner of my own time. And for the most part, I am.
It has been a long process for me. Being away from my job for several months has been both liberating and terrifying. Liberating in that I am living my dream of working on what I want to do and spending a lot of time with my children. Terrifying in that I made the choice to leave a job that was terrible for me, an albatross that I have had trouble removing. This comes from the conditioning that most people my age have received around expectations and fear. Fear has been the big one for me, even though I know deep down how brave I am. I have accomplished and overcome so much in my life and it's easy to overlook these things because feeling unsafe or uncomfortable is so painfully familiar.
I am committed to sticking with my becoming an entrepreneur, of creating multiple, profitable income streams that allow me and my family to have the lifestyle I envision.
The lifestyle I envision appears before me as living at the beach, in Treasure Island, Florida. I see myself shopping at the Publix there, walking on the beach with my husband and family and walking to eat at the nearby restaurants. I see a thriving consulting practice that focuses on helping women embrace introversion and leveraging it for success. I see myself teaching and guiding hundreds, thousands of women virtually, one on one or in front of large audiences. I see myself travelling to participate in speaking engagements or to hold special classes or workshops. I see a brand new white SUV and driving around in comfort. I see myself with finding new ways to create money, buckets in a stream of money wealth. I see myself volunteering and donating money to causes that help women be successful. That teach, that enlighten. I see myself part of a wonderful tribe of beautiful, smart, loving women. Living in the mountains part of the year in a comfortable home, the ability to visit my family as often as I want.
Lots of love and affection from my husband, great sex life, intimate and connected. Loving relationships with my self sufficient, successful children. Most of all loving myself.
Plenty of cash, comfortable homes and cars, great meals and experiences, wonderful relaxing or stimulating trips. A peaceful life.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
It's Getting Better
I feel a true shift in myself and all I can say is...... thank God!
I look back at my old blog posts and can see the anguish, the fear and the general listlessness about my career and life in general.
So what changed?
Three things. First, I hired and intuitive named Amy Oscar. She does energy work and listens to the energy in your voice. It may sound strange but for anyone that has been reading my blog, you know that I have been growing desperate for some kind of guidance. All I can say is that the meeting was amazing and she helped me feel like I was on the right path. She also told me what others have told me in the past and which I have persitently ignored - that I am a teacher, intuitive, attuned, a writer, etc.
I ignored the "teacher" description of myself because I had always associated this with traditional teaching... like in an elementary school.... making very little money. My thoughts on teaching have definitely expanded. I realized that in my current work as a Human Resources Manager that I teach, guide or coach for a living. I help people make transitions, as a new hire, employee and and upon departure. The consulting aspect comes naturally and I really enjoy this part of my job. I dislike the corporate environment, the lack of challenge and most of all, the fact that I am not at home more for my children. I explained to Amy that I had this yearning to be home more for my youngest son, who will be eight in August. My older daughters are teenagers and while I feel they still "need" me, I feel my son needs me physically just as I need him. So Amy let me tell her my vision of being home with my son AND doing work that is fulfilling for me. It felt selfish to describe this vision, I mean shouldn't I just be grateful that I have a job? Yes, I should always be grateful for everything. I believe only good comes from that and sets you up, shores you up for the path you were meant to take. Amy told me I was in control, that I was the "wizard" and had the power to make it happen.
The second thing I did was continue to build my tribe on twitter. I only follow people who appear to be like minded or inspirational. This has helped me tremendously. This expanding network connects me to all kinds of interesting ideas and gives me a daily boost.
The third thing I did was I found the courage to interview and hire a Life Coach. Again, I have thought about hiring one for years but (insert excuse), the bottom line was that I felt I did not deserve the investment in myself. I signed on for three months, so we will see. There are so many coaches out there and I am so darn picky that I struggled to make a choice. I finally selected a coach whose website I loved and whose message I loved more. There was no dreaded sales pitch, just compassion. I could take my time, this coach said and if it felt right we could work together. My choice.
I spend a lot of time on introspection, maybe too much. I also keep a journal and despite my sporadic entries it is hard to ignore the patterns that have emerged. I sat down one day and asked the infinite, "What are my gifts? and How do I serve?". A string of words were jotted down, and I summarized the list with this: "idea translator". I am an idea translator?? What? You don't mean a coach do you? Like crazy Liza Life Coach? (Cheri O'Teri, wonderful actress from SNL) This only added to my resistance. I admitted this to my coach and she just laughed and acknowledged that coaching gets a bad rap and there is a movement within the industry to try and change that.
These are just a few steps I have taken and it has felt good to actually start something. The shift that I described culminated in a realization that what I really want to do is somehow teach, or guide of coach for a living, working for myself. I surrendered to the fact that asking for help is a good thing for me, and really a necessary thing if I want to really change my life. Finding your true passion can be difficult and I wanted to share my experience in hopes that someone else can be helped by it. Open yourself up to what others are saying, step back and reframe it. See if it fits.
I look back at my old blog posts and can see the anguish, the fear and the general listlessness about my career and life in general.
So what changed?
Three things. First, I hired and intuitive named Amy Oscar. She does energy work and listens to the energy in your voice. It may sound strange but for anyone that has been reading my blog, you know that I have been growing desperate for some kind of guidance. All I can say is that the meeting was amazing and she helped me feel like I was on the right path. She also told me what others have told me in the past and which I have persitently ignored - that I am a teacher, intuitive, attuned, a writer, etc.
I ignored the "teacher" description of myself because I had always associated this with traditional teaching... like in an elementary school.... making very little money. My thoughts on teaching have definitely expanded. I realized that in my current work as a Human Resources Manager that I teach, guide or coach for a living. I help people make transitions, as a new hire, employee and and upon departure. The consulting aspect comes naturally and I really enjoy this part of my job. I dislike the corporate environment, the lack of challenge and most of all, the fact that I am not at home more for my children. I explained to Amy that I had this yearning to be home more for my youngest son, who will be eight in August. My older daughters are teenagers and while I feel they still "need" me, I feel my son needs me physically just as I need him. So Amy let me tell her my vision of being home with my son AND doing work that is fulfilling for me. It felt selfish to describe this vision, I mean shouldn't I just be grateful that I have a job? Yes, I should always be grateful for everything. I believe only good comes from that and sets you up, shores you up for the path you were meant to take. Amy told me I was in control, that I was the "wizard" and had the power to make it happen.
The second thing I did was continue to build my tribe on twitter. I only follow people who appear to be like minded or inspirational. This has helped me tremendously. This expanding network connects me to all kinds of interesting ideas and gives me a daily boost.
The third thing I did was I found the courage to interview and hire a Life Coach. Again, I have thought about hiring one for years but (insert excuse), the bottom line was that I felt I did not deserve the investment in myself. I signed on for three months, so we will see. There are so many coaches out there and I am so darn picky that I struggled to make a choice. I finally selected a coach whose website I loved and whose message I loved more. There was no dreaded sales pitch, just compassion. I could take my time, this coach said and if it felt right we could work together. My choice.
I spend a lot of time on introspection, maybe too much. I also keep a journal and despite my sporadic entries it is hard to ignore the patterns that have emerged. I sat down one day and asked the infinite, "What are my gifts? and How do I serve?". A string of words were jotted down, and I summarized the list with this: "idea translator". I am an idea translator?? What? You don't mean a coach do you? Like crazy Liza Life Coach? (Cheri O'Teri, wonderful actress from SNL) This only added to my resistance. I admitted this to my coach and she just laughed and acknowledged that coaching gets a bad rap and there is a movement within the industry to try and change that.
These are just a few steps I have taken and it has felt good to actually start something. The shift that I described culminated in a realization that what I really want to do is somehow teach, or guide of coach for a living, working for myself. I surrendered to the fact that asking for help is a good thing for me, and really a necessary thing if I want to really change my life. Finding your true passion can be difficult and I wanted to share my experience in hopes that someone else can be helped by it. Open yourself up to what others are saying, step back and reframe it. See if it fits.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Can Someone Please Make a Voodoo Doll of me and Kick My A__?
I am bored to tears at work. I am grateful to have a job, yes. But cannot help but feel irresponsible for not doing something else ( I was going to say "more" but it's not more I need, it's different). I know all about the need to take action. Take Action! Now! Your time is NOW! Shouting doesn't help matters because clearly I am still sitting here, typing this blog. I am like my young son who often tunes me out when I shout. Can't say I blame him. We shout when we are exasperated. When we feel we have no other tools to use.
It's the quiet subtleties, the undertones, the wily inspiration that stays hidden from our everyday focus. This is what drives me crazy. I feel lazy and lethargic and tired of myself. But I feel this way because I get jolts of optimism. And then crash, and then back up again. It's not healthy.
I sit in meetings and have to be prodded to respond to some inane question that is asked of me. It's not fair to them. I just don't belong here yet I sit here and type? Productive I am not.
I am reading Margaret Roach's "and I shall have some peace there". I found it at the book store the other day while shopping for my daughter's SAT book. I sat down and read 20 pages of it. The book is about her leaving a high paying corporate job to live full time at her farm house and tend her garden. She did not have some big epiphany (thank goodness because I would be furious if she did, so jealous would I be!) or experience any kind of crisis such as a layoff or health scare. I have not gotten to the core of why yet as I am still reading the beginning stage where she is explaining how she had to try and separate from her old identity. The woman who always worked for someone else, always had a title and there she was- untethered. No job and a fear of prying open her "real" self. I will let you know how it goes. I like it so far.
So I am going now. Poke me a few times today, will you? Remind me that I need to be doing something else, anything else than what I am currently doing.
Thanks a million.
It's the quiet subtleties, the undertones, the wily inspiration that stays hidden from our everyday focus. This is what drives me crazy. I feel lazy and lethargic and tired of myself. But I feel this way because I get jolts of optimism. And then crash, and then back up again. It's not healthy.
I sit in meetings and have to be prodded to respond to some inane question that is asked of me. It's not fair to them. I just don't belong here yet I sit here and type? Productive I am not.
I am reading Margaret Roach's "and I shall have some peace there". I found it at the book store the other day while shopping for my daughter's SAT book. I sat down and read 20 pages of it. The book is about her leaving a high paying corporate job to live full time at her farm house and tend her garden. She did not have some big epiphany (thank goodness because I would be furious if she did, so jealous would I be!) or experience any kind of crisis such as a layoff or health scare. I have not gotten to the core of why yet as I am still reading the beginning stage where she is explaining how she had to try and separate from her old identity. The woman who always worked for someone else, always had a title and there she was- untethered. No job and a fear of prying open her "real" self. I will let you know how it goes. I like it so far.
So I am going now. Poke me a few times today, will you? Remind me that I need to be doing something else, anything else than what I am currently doing.
Thanks a million.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Happy Friday
Man, am I glad it's Friday! The weather is getting so much better here in Florida. It's making me restless and wanting to head to the beach, which we may do tomorrow.
My oldest daughter is sitting for her SAT's tomorrow. I remember doing the same thing more than 20 years ago on a breezy Connecticut morning, feeling nervous and anxious. My grades were always very good but I was not a big reader back then. As a result, my English scores were not a high as they could have been. I still got into a good college.
I question the point of college these days. If this last few rough economic years have taught us anything it is that now more than ever, we need to become more self reliant. Self employment to me, is the deal young people should strive for. But let me qualify that. If what they love to do does not require a traditional employer, then they should seek self employment. If, however, they fell called to serve the public, then they should pursue that. My point is that college should not be a requirement for success. It often isn't.
So, my daughter is applying to colleges. Not for a career, not for a future, not for any of the old reasons. She's applying because she just wants to. She has no major in mind, is not overly social, she just wants to study. I believe that was the original purpose of college- higher learning. And I really admire her for that.
My growing up experience was that you had "better to this or bad things will happen". You will end up living in a van down by the river, or if you live in Florida you will don a orange reflective vest and pan handle for change. Not without it's ingenuity or charm I might add. Now a days, she could live on an organic, self sustaining farm....in a solar powered van, down by the river. Or she could be an entrepreneur and vie for angel investors in the form of kind souls who deposit change in her jar as she stands on the medium in her signature orange vest. I am kidding, but only kind of. My goal is for her not to buy in to the false promises I bought into at her age. I wished I had worked less and had more fun. Traveled more, studied less and loved more. It's about richer experiences rather than a richer bank account.
What say you?
My oldest daughter is sitting for her SAT's tomorrow. I remember doing the same thing more than 20 years ago on a breezy Connecticut morning, feeling nervous and anxious. My grades were always very good but I was not a big reader back then. As a result, my English scores were not a high as they could have been. I still got into a good college.
I question the point of college these days. If this last few rough economic years have taught us anything it is that now more than ever, we need to become more self reliant. Self employment to me, is the deal young people should strive for. But let me qualify that. If what they love to do does not require a traditional employer, then they should seek self employment. If, however, they fell called to serve the public, then they should pursue that. My point is that college should not be a requirement for success. It often isn't.
So, my daughter is applying to colleges. Not for a career, not for a future, not for any of the old reasons. She's applying because she just wants to. She has no major in mind, is not overly social, she just wants to study. I believe that was the original purpose of college- higher learning. And I really admire her for that.
My growing up experience was that you had "better to this or bad things will happen". You will end up living in a van down by the river, or if you live in Florida you will don a orange reflective vest and pan handle for change. Not without it's ingenuity or charm I might add. Now a days, she could live on an organic, self sustaining farm....in a solar powered van, down by the river. Or she could be an entrepreneur and vie for angel investors in the form of kind souls who deposit change in her jar as she stands on the medium in her signature orange vest. I am kidding, but only kind of. My goal is for her not to buy in to the false promises I bought into at her age. I wished I had worked less and had more fun. Traveled more, studied less and loved more. It's about richer experiences rather than a richer bank account.
What say you?
Monday, February 28, 2011
Coming Alive
There is something in me that is starting to unfold. At times, I feel as if there is a novel waiting to be written by me, or a short story or a play. Something. These thoughts come in flashes. It's the muse, (my muse?) whispering past me or through me. I am alert but never take action. If I do decide to write something, I know it will be quick. I will have to sit and write it all out, at once. This is how good writing comes to me. In flashes. And when I use the qualifier "good" I mean writing for me that is focused, instead of my normal, random ramblings which are usually grounded in some form of self pity, unfortunately.
I have a friends tell me they enjoy receiving my letters. That I am funny. I do like to write. As an introvert, it's the most supreme way of communicating for me. My husband, on the other hand hates the hand written letters from me. He considers it impersonal. He would rather I talk things out with him. He's a talker and I am too to a degree. I believe I am more of a debater though. It can be exhausting dealing with me because I cannot help but pick apart and drag up memories to make my point or provide context so that I am not misunderstood. It comes across as self righteous and I am really working on that. Trying to be more open and less judgemental.
I am sitting here at work writing this when I should be working. There is lots to do and I don't want to do any of it really. When I am driving my son to school, I sometimes feel hopeful that I will be able to create a more flexible lifestyle for myself and my family. I really want to be the mom that volunteers at school and picks up her son from "pick up point" instead of having him ride the bus to aftercare and is often, one of the last kids to get picked up.
I had a conversation about this a few weeks ago with a good friend. I have created this situation. And instead of getting depressed, I am committed to creating a better situation. That's all I need to do- is just commit to making things better. Don't think about the how or the why, just the belief that I have the power to make things better and I can start in small ways.
I believe I have it in me to adjust my life in a way that creates both flexibility and opportunity for me. I am striving to be more aware... so that next time, I can recognize the muse as she comes, instead of realizing that she's just left.
I have a friends tell me they enjoy receiving my letters. That I am funny. I do like to write. As an introvert, it's the most supreme way of communicating for me. My husband, on the other hand hates the hand written letters from me. He considers it impersonal. He would rather I talk things out with him. He's a talker and I am too to a degree. I believe I am more of a debater though. It can be exhausting dealing with me because I cannot help but pick apart and drag up memories to make my point or provide context so that I am not misunderstood. It comes across as self righteous and I am really working on that. Trying to be more open and less judgemental.
I am sitting here at work writing this when I should be working. There is lots to do and I don't want to do any of it really. When I am driving my son to school, I sometimes feel hopeful that I will be able to create a more flexible lifestyle for myself and my family. I really want to be the mom that volunteers at school and picks up her son from "pick up point" instead of having him ride the bus to aftercare and is often, one of the last kids to get picked up.
I had a conversation about this a few weeks ago with a good friend. I have created this situation. And instead of getting depressed, I am committed to creating a better situation. That's all I need to do- is just commit to making things better. Don't think about the how or the why, just the belief that I have the power to make things better and I can start in small ways.
I believe I have it in me to adjust my life in a way that creates both flexibility and opportunity for me. I am striving to be more aware... so that next time, I can recognize the muse as she comes, instead of realizing that she's just left.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Today
As I drove to work today, I had those same thoughts again. Thoughts about quitting my job.
My plan is to actually make a plan and follow it. Sounds simple right? If I let fear control me instead of harness me, then I will not be able make the progress that I need to. No "goals" really just a deep desire to change, radically. To say "why not?" instead of "how?".
My thoughts are to quit and withdraw my small pension to pay off some debts. It's not pragmatic, certainly not responsible in the traditional sense. So far, nothing else has worked for me. I read and plan and scheme. I even say it out loud but I seem to just talk around the edges of what I want to do instead of just doing it. I have already posted about wanting to take better care of my family and myself. I still do. Part of me believes that if I take good care of my home it will take care of me. I really believe that. Why not? (I really want to say how....)
Another police officer was shot and killed last night. This after two other officers died last month. I worry so much for my husband, now more than ever. It makes me question what I am doing with my life.
My plan is to actually make a plan and follow it. Sounds simple right? If I let fear control me instead of harness me, then I will not be able make the progress that I need to. No "goals" really just a deep desire to change, radically. To say "why not?" instead of "how?".
My thoughts are to quit and withdraw my small pension to pay off some debts. It's not pragmatic, certainly not responsible in the traditional sense. So far, nothing else has worked for me. I read and plan and scheme. I even say it out loud but I seem to just talk around the edges of what I want to do instead of just doing it. I have already posted about wanting to take better care of my family and myself. I still do. Part of me believes that if I take good care of my home it will take care of me. I really believe that. Why not? (I really want to say how....)
Another police officer was shot and killed last night. This after two other officers died last month. I worry so much for my husband, now more than ever. It makes me question what I am doing with my life.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I Said, In October....
That I would stop writing here. In a quest to find my true writer's "voice". I have tried with another blog, to be more "authentic". The fact that I put the word authentic in quotes demonstrates the futility in that exercise. Authenticity by definition is not planned. It just is. So. I am back.
What I want is to keep writing freely, without too much hesitation.
I came back to write, once again what I want.
I want a warm, safe home for my children.
I want to spend more time in my home, taking care of my home and my garden and my plants. Cleaning and weeding and pulling and tending. I want to take more time to care for my family. To prepare healthy, thoughtful breakfasts instead of rushed, routine meals that end up half chewed and swallowed in the desperate haste to get dressed and rush out the door. I want more peace, more quiet. Less internet, less blogs, less stimulation, less frenzy.
I want to no longer be jealous, of all things.... the dishwasher when I leave the house. Jealous because it gets to whir and hum and clean and care for my family while I am away, while I am not here. Away when I should be here. Tending.
I no longer want a rushed life. My children and family should not be an after thought, a to do list item. This includes myself. I must tend to myself as well. I feel good to know that I have begun to take better care of myself. Because I deserve it.
I will keep moving toward the light even in the uncertainty of what I am supposed to be doing. I keep waiting for answers, for help, for guidance. Instead I need to just tune out as much noise and stimulation and anxiety as possible.
What I want is to keep writing freely, without too much hesitation.
I came back to write, once again what I want.
I want a warm, safe home for my children.
I want to spend more time in my home, taking care of my home and my garden and my plants. Cleaning and weeding and pulling and tending. I want to take more time to care for my family. To prepare healthy, thoughtful breakfasts instead of rushed, routine meals that end up half chewed and swallowed in the desperate haste to get dressed and rush out the door. I want more peace, more quiet. Less internet, less blogs, less stimulation, less frenzy.
I want to no longer be jealous, of all things.... the dishwasher when I leave the house. Jealous because it gets to whir and hum and clean and care for my family while I am away, while I am not here. Away when I should be here. Tending.
I no longer want a rushed life. My children and family should not be an after thought, a to do list item. This includes myself. I must tend to myself as well. I feel good to know that I have begun to take better care of myself. Because I deserve it.
I will keep moving toward the light even in the uncertainty of what I am supposed to be doing. I keep waiting for answers, for help, for guidance. Instead I need to just tune out as much noise and stimulation and anxiety as possible.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Daybreak
If I could. No, I don't want to start my sentence like that.
I am able to stay home. It's a miracle. I do not have to work for anyone anymore. I work for myself, make my own money and have built something really special, something I am proud of.
It's 7:05 am and my children are eating breakfast. The oldest has already left for school. Next, I will get in the shower, apply makeup, hair, and then dress. I drop off one child at the busstop and one at elementary school. I then return home and clean up the kitchen, start a load of laundry, water my flowers and plants outside. I check on my garden, weed and inspect the stems and leaves. I watch the peppers, cucumbers, tomatos, squash, garlic, basil, thyme, scallions, spinach and lettuce blossom and grow into bounty stippled with dew drops warmed by the morning sun.
Next, I drive to the local small coffee shop and sip a hot cup of coffee and eat whole grain bread with jam or peanut butter. I read magazines or a newspaper. I pause, look around the shop, at my hot cofee sweetened with milk and organic sugar and pause. I look inward and give thanks for all I have, all of my blessings and contemplate the thoughts in between. My thoughts grow less frenetic and I bask in love and gratitude. I feel so grateful, so peaceful. I remember that I led myself to this place, shephered by love and grace. Because right now, this thing, these feelings are here and I am present in them. I open my laptop and read my email, update my blog.
I am able to stay home. It's a miracle. I do not have to work for anyone anymore. I work for myself, make my own money and have built something really special, something I am proud of.
It's 7:05 am and my children are eating breakfast. The oldest has already left for school. Next, I will get in the shower, apply makeup, hair, and then dress. I drop off one child at the busstop and one at elementary school. I then return home and clean up the kitchen, start a load of laundry, water my flowers and plants outside. I check on my garden, weed and inspect the stems and leaves. I watch the peppers, cucumbers, tomatos, squash, garlic, basil, thyme, scallions, spinach and lettuce blossom and grow into bounty stippled with dew drops warmed by the morning sun.
Next, I drive to the local small coffee shop and sip a hot cup of coffee and eat whole grain bread with jam or peanut butter. I read magazines or a newspaper. I pause, look around the shop, at my hot cofee sweetened with milk and organic sugar and pause. I look inward and give thanks for all I have, all of my blessings and contemplate the thoughts in between. My thoughts grow less frenetic and I bask in love and gratitude. I feel so grateful, so peaceful. I remember that I led myself to this place, shephered by love and grace. Because right now, this thing, these feelings are here and I am present in them. I open my laptop and read my email, update my blog.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Change
I think I am going to retire this blog and create a brand new one. I have struggled to find my "voice" here. It's been a good outlet, a good start to write and get myself out there a bit but now I feel like I want to do something else, create something else that is more reflective of who I am.
The next blog will have lots of pictures and feature all the things I love, food and cooking, design, books and music, family and friends, beautiful things. One thing I know for sure is that I do NOT want anything to do with life coaching or coaching or consulting. Blech. Just writing those words makes me ill. So, I will take down my other coaching blog and twitter account since no one reads them anyway. Why would they? They are boring and really inauthentic. This is what happens when I try and force something into being instead of allowing my higher, creative self have at it.
Work does not have to be dreary does it? Making money should and can be fun, I think. Trick is to figure it out without getting too stressed out. Letting it flow, as they say. I am not sure what this will entail but at least I finally figured out what it should not entail and for me that's a huge step!
Once, I was an artist. I had a wonderful art teacher named Ms. Stannard. She was so kind to me at a time when as a teen, I felt so insecure and hopeless. She encouraged my art so enthusiastically and genuinely that it made me feel so good however briefly. Thank you Ms. Stannard for your caring soul and kind words. I was often baffled by her enthusiasm. Other kids made fun of her eccentricities but they could not see that it was she who had a wider, holistic view of things. She had the gift of seeing beauty in things.
The next blog will have lots of pictures and feature all the things I love, food and cooking, design, books and music, family and friends, beautiful things. One thing I know for sure is that I do NOT want anything to do with life coaching or coaching or consulting. Blech. Just writing those words makes me ill. So, I will take down my other coaching blog and twitter account since no one reads them anyway. Why would they? They are boring and really inauthentic. This is what happens when I try and force something into being instead of allowing my higher, creative self have at it.
Work does not have to be dreary does it? Making money should and can be fun, I think. Trick is to figure it out without getting too stressed out. Letting it flow, as they say. I am not sure what this will entail but at least I finally figured out what it should not entail and for me that's a huge step!
Once, I was an artist. I had a wonderful art teacher named Ms. Stannard. She was so kind to me at a time when as a teen, I felt so insecure and hopeless. She encouraged my art so enthusiastically and genuinely that it made me feel so good however briefly. Thank you Ms. Stannard for your caring soul and kind words. I was often baffled by her enthusiasm. Other kids made fun of her eccentricities but they could not see that it was she who had a wider, holistic view of things. She had the gift of seeing beauty in things.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I Believe
I believe in the wisdom of women.
I believe in getting closer to the earth, to acknowledge the living energy that abounds. I believe in a new order.
No "manifesto" here. I have been seeing that term thrown about everywhere which, when boiled down manifestos are really marketing plans disguised as self-help.
In my minds eye I can see a return to a more natural way of living. Not at all austere. Simplified yes but very, very comfortable. I see more homes made of wood and stone, thatched roofs and large gardens bursting with harvest. Fenced parcels of land with green grass and animals roaming peacefully. Creation of real communities that are in fact communities. People who choose to live together, and help each other as neighbors. Why did we ever move away from this way of living?
If we look at history, particularly American history I can understand the initial evolution. People came here to escape persecution, oppression and poverty. Many were farmers who came from over tilled, burned out land and wanted a chance to be free. But for some, the first taste of freedom created the desire to multiply fortune and the quickest way to do this was through industrialization. Automation and repetition created "efficiency" as defined by those that profited most from it. Interestingly enough, these same terms are used today to defend the increased outsourcing and off shoring of American jobs- automation and repetition create "efficiency" as defined by corporations and lower production costs increase revenue.
Let's look at the definition of efficiency. Webster defined efficiency as:
[Noun] The act of producing effects; a causing to be or exist; effectual agency. The manner of this divine efficiency is far above us. Gravity does not proceed from the efficiency of any contingent or unstable agent.. Source: Webster's 1828 American Dictionary.
Within the Webster definition link there were many definitions of "efficiency". So, efficiency really does mean different things to different people. For corporations, I believe they use the revenue centric definition as follows:
The efficiency ratio of a business is expenses as a percentage of revenue (expenses / revenue) with a few variations. A lower percentage is better since that means expenses are low and earnings are big. It's the "reverse" operating leverage: revenue / expenses. (references)
Economic efficiency is a general term for the value assigned to a situation by some measure designed to capture the amount of waste or "friction" or other undesirable and undesirable economic features present. The term microeconomic reform refers to any policy designed to increase economic efficiency. (references)
I believe in getting closer to the earth, to acknowledge the living energy that abounds. I believe in a new order.
No "manifesto" here. I have been seeing that term thrown about everywhere which, when boiled down manifestos are really marketing plans disguised as self-help.
In my minds eye I can see a return to a more natural way of living. Not at all austere. Simplified yes but very, very comfortable. I see more homes made of wood and stone, thatched roofs and large gardens bursting with harvest. Fenced parcels of land with green grass and animals roaming peacefully. Creation of real communities that are in fact communities. People who choose to live together, and help each other as neighbors. Why did we ever move away from this way of living?
If we look at history, particularly American history I can understand the initial evolution. People came here to escape persecution, oppression and poverty. Many were farmers who came from over tilled, burned out land and wanted a chance to be free. But for some, the first taste of freedom created the desire to multiply fortune and the quickest way to do this was through industrialization. Automation and repetition created "efficiency" as defined by those that profited most from it. Interestingly enough, these same terms are used today to defend the increased outsourcing and off shoring of American jobs- automation and repetition create "efficiency" as defined by corporations and lower production costs increase revenue.
Let's look at the definition of efficiency. Webster defined efficiency as:
[Noun] The act of producing effects; a causing to be or exist; effectual agency. The manner of this divine efficiency is far above us. Gravity does not proceed from the efficiency of any contingent or unstable agent.. Source: Webster's 1828 American Dictionary.
Within the Webster definition link there were many definitions of "efficiency". So, efficiency really does mean different things to different people. For corporations, I believe they use the revenue centric definition as follows:
The efficiency ratio of a business is expenses as a percentage of revenue (expenses / revenue) with a few variations. A lower percentage is better since that means expenses are low and earnings are big. It's the "reverse" operating leverage: revenue / expenses. (references)
Other definitions of efficiency:
r=P/C of the amount P of some valuable resource produced, per amount C of valuable resources consumed
Economic efficiency is a general term for the value assigned to a situation by some measure designed to capture the amount of waste or "friction" or other undesirable and undesirable economic features present. The term microeconomic reform refers to any policy designed to increase economic efficiency. (references)
I suppose my point to all of this is that many of us, myself included get caught up in someone else's subjective reality. What if I or you just simply decide not too? What if our reality is our own choosing?
What you are reading is the ramblings of a middle class wife and mother who works full time. If I am focused on definitions in this post than middle class for me = broke. Living paycheck to paycheck with little to no savings. Why do I do this? The answer is because I have been believing in someone else's reality. Instead of my own.
It's time to stop.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
It was 1980 something
Do you ever get random flashes of memory of when you were younger? I do.
More often than not, I will get some of these flashes when I am listening to 80s music in Winn-Dixie. They play the best songs there and I along with the other shoppers frequently sing along with the lyrics out loud, unashamed.
Sometimes I think these flashes are not about a particular memory but more about youth. The feeling of being young, raw and eager. It can be exhilarating. So much future ahead, so much possibility. We lose that as we get older. Maybe I have these reflections because I will be 40 this year? Sigh. I don't know.
I can sometimes remember vividly my french braid phase in the mid 80s with big silver hoop earrings. I wore my hair like this just about every single day. Forenza sweaters and overalls. Eighth grade was rugby shirts and docksiders but high school was all about the sweaters. Of course my favorite shoes were lace up prairie boots. LOVED them. To this day, one of my favorite outfits that I coveted was the outfit Molly Ringwald wore in "The Breakfast Club". Long skirt, wide belt, cute short sleeved shirt and lace up prairie boots. It would still be fashionable today I think. That movie is on so often and every time it comes on I watch long enough just so I can see that outfit.
In high school, (the majority of which was a horrible, lonely place) I used to lean my head on the window of the school bus daydreaming about all the cool outfits I would get to buy someday. Eventually, I started my first job at the Dry Cleaners and was able to buy really cool clothes since my parents rarely, if ever bought them for me. I started babysitting at the age of 12 and from that point on if my mother knew I had money, she'd make me walk down to the locally owned clothing store to buy my clothes. I don't remember being upset about this, it was just the way it was and I actually liked the freedom of being able to pick out my own clothes.
Other times I will remember walking in the mall, desperate to find just the right clothes to wear. It was exhausting. My high school was so label focused and I was so envious of the girls who came in to school with a different Bennetton sweater on every day like it was no big deal. Beautiful girls. Lucky girls whose parents put them in braces and had country club memberships. Not a care in the world. Not like me. I lived in a dark, small house hollowed by five people- 2 adults that hated each other and 3 kids that lived together but were never acted like siblings because that would intimate attachment. We were far from that. Especially my sister. She abused me. Younger than me and her tongue was a triangulate of hate, spite and jealousy. She looked at me and saw the rawness and called out my flaws and helped make me despise myself. So hurtful she was. Still is. I was the kid that prayed during hurricane storms to give me the power to grow up and move out as soon as possible.
My high school was a total mean girl high school. Fortunately, because I was so quiet I successfully faded into the background and was not harassed too much. I was not quite in the loser crowd (though I definitely came close at times) I was definitely not popular. Friendships in the popular crowd were based on who you knew , what you wore and who you associated with. I was in the lower class, "normal" crowd who befriended people I actually had things in common with. Plus, I could be funny and some people appreciated that. When I was a freshman, some people thought I was related to some girl named "Beth" who was a popular junior girl apparently but we were no relation so for about a minute, some of the popular kids talked to me. Once they realized there was no relation they stopped immediately.
Some people are afraid of getting older. For me, the more distance there is between my teenage years the better. I am a totally different person now. Not just mature, but wiser and happier which for a long time I never thought would be possible. Even though the prospect of turning 40 is a little daunting for me, it's not entirely negative. I still feel the inkling of possibility, of hope for a better future but more importantly the ability to appreciate what I have now, the feeling of being blessed and loved for who I am.
More often than not, I will get some of these flashes when I am listening to 80s music in Winn-Dixie. They play the best songs there and I along with the other shoppers frequently sing along with the lyrics out loud, unashamed.
Sometimes I think these flashes are not about a particular memory but more about youth. The feeling of being young, raw and eager. It can be exhilarating. So much future ahead, so much possibility. We lose that as we get older. Maybe I have these reflections because I will be 40 this year? Sigh. I don't know.
I can sometimes remember vividly my french braid phase in the mid 80s with big silver hoop earrings. I wore my hair like this just about every single day. Forenza sweaters and overalls. Eighth grade was rugby shirts and docksiders but high school was all about the sweaters. Of course my favorite shoes were lace up prairie boots. LOVED them. To this day, one of my favorite outfits that I coveted was the outfit Molly Ringwald wore in "The Breakfast Club". Long skirt, wide belt, cute short sleeved shirt and lace up prairie boots. It would still be fashionable today I think. That movie is on so often and every time it comes on I watch long enough just so I can see that outfit.
In high school, (the majority of which was a horrible, lonely place) I used to lean my head on the window of the school bus daydreaming about all the cool outfits I would get to buy someday. Eventually, I started my first job at the Dry Cleaners and was able to buy really cool clothes since my parents rarely, if ever bought them for me. I started babysitting at the age of 12 and from that point on if my mother knew I had money, she'd make me walk down to the locally owned clothing store to buy my clothes. I don't remember being upset about this, it was just the way it was and I actually liked the freedom of being able to pick out my own clothes.
Other times I will remember walking in the mall, desperate to find just the right clothes to wear. It was exhausting. My high school was so label focused and I was so envious of the girls who came in to school with a different Bennetton sweater on every day like it was no big deal. Beautiful girls. Lucky girls whose parents put them in braces and had country club memberships. Not a care in the world. Not like me. I lived in a dark, small house hollowed by five people- 2 adults that hated each other and 3 kids that lived together but were never acted like siblings because that would intimate attachment. We were far from that. Especially my sister. She abused me. Younger than me and her tongue was a triangulate of hate, spite and jealousy. She looked at me and saw the rawness and called out my flaws and helped make me despise myself. So hurtful she was. Still is. I was the kid that prayed during hurricane storms to give me the power to grow up and move out as soon as possible.
My high school was a total mean girl high school. Fortunately, because I was so quiet I successfully faded into the background and was not harassed too much. I was not quite in the loser crowd (though I definitely came close at times) I was definitely not popular. Friendships in the popular crowd were based on who you knew , what you wore and who you associated with. I was in the lower class, "normal" crowd who befriended people I actually had things in common with. Plus, I could be funny and some people appreciated that. When I was a freshman, some people thought I was related to some girl named "Beth" who was a popular junior girl apparently but we were no relation so for about a minute, some of the popular kids talked to me. Once they realized there was no relation they stopped immediately.
Some people are afraid of getting older. For me, the more distance there is between my teenage years the better. I am a totally different person now. Not just mature, but wiser and happier which for a long time I never thought would be possible. Even though the prospect of turning 40 is a little daunting for me, it's not entirely negative. I still feel the inkling of possibility, of hope for a better future but more importantly the ability to appreciate what I have now, the feeling of being blessed and loved for who I am.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Vacation?
Everytime I take a few days off, or leave the state I always feel like there is the potential to come back a changed person, with a new, brighter perspective on life.
In retrospect, I don't this actually happens, at least not substantially. Maybe in more subtle ways such as when I remember the wooden railing outside of the cabin we rented in North Georgia last year. For some reason, that image sticks with me and gives me a sense of peace.
So, we are off to North Carolina in a few days to see my step-son get off the plane after 7 long months in Afghanistan. The dates keep changing and I am hoping that most the recent change stays firm. His base is near the coast in NC so about 20 minutes from the beaches which I look forward to seeing since I have not been to that part of NC. Other than that, I am not sure what to expect. Just look forward to packing up the car and kids and head north for the next few days.
I find myself calmer this days which is a good thing. Patience brings clarity and perspective.
So, here is to hoping that the trip to NC will bring back positive change.
Cheers,
C.
In retrospect, I don't this actually happens, at least not substantially. Maybe in more subtle ways such as when I remember the wooden railing outside of the cabin we rented in North Georgia last year. For some reason, that image sticks with me and gives me a sense of peace.
So, we are off to North Carolina in a few days to see my step-son get off the plane after 7 long months in Afghanistan. The dates keep changing and I am hoping that most the recent change stays firm. His base is near the coast in NC so about 20 minutes from the beaches which I look forward to seeing since I have not been to that part of NC. Other than that, I am not sure what to expect. Just look forward to packing up the car and kids and head north for the next few days.
I find myself calmer this days which is a good thing. Patience brings clarity and perspective.
So, here is to hoping that the trip to NC will bring back positive change.
Cheers,
C.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
MmmmMMmm
I am home sick today. My stomache is killing me and I can't figure out what I ate that has made me sick. Maybe it was all that broccoli I ate last night? I do love broccoli but I admit I went a little overboard. Every since my underactive thyroid diagnosis I have been avoiding any food that could potentially interfere with my medication. Broccoli is one of those foods unfortunately, however I did learn that if you cook the heck out of it you can eat it. And ate it I did. That's terrible grammar.
Onward.
Have you ever stayed home from work and then later regretted it? Its seems like a good idea, especially when you are doubled over with stomach cramps but then, at least for me the guilt sets in. Guilt for not going to work and guilt for not feeling like doing the million undone chores at home. I am typing this in a middle of half folded laundryand the very sight of this rumpled mess exhausts me. Now my head hurts.
What a whiny blogger I am, although I don't post that often so I don't even know if I could classify myself as a whiny blogger.
So one of the new shows I am excited to watch is "Life Coach" with Cheri O'Teri. She is hilarious and I espcially loved the "Joy the grief counselor episdoe". So funny.
I am off to take a nap.
Onward.
Have you ever stayed home from work and then later regretted it? Its seems like a good idea, especially when you are doubled over with stomach cramps but then, at least for me the guilt sets in. Guilt for not going to work and guilt for not feeling like doing the million undone chores at home. I am typing this in a middle of half folded laundryand the very sight of this rumpled mess exhausts me. Now my head hurts.
What a whiny blogger I am, although I don't post that often so I don't even know if I could classify myself as a whiny blogger.
So one of the new shows I am excited to watch is "Life Coach" with Cheri O'Teri. She is hilarious and I espcially loved the "Joy the grief counselor episdoe". So funny.
I am off to take a nap.
Monday, March 8, 2010
I Hate My Toilet
or rather it hates me. We have a well which has been mainly a curse and a narrow blessing. No water bill but we have to pump out that stupid thing every three to four months and that's not cheap. You see, when the septic tank fills, the toilets don't flush easily. And forget about trying to plunge it to make it go down it's hateful septic pipes. No. Furious plunging only leads to filthy water getting spilled on the floor or yourself and that is just not good. Not good at all. So, we are very often forced to walk away from a bowl full of unsavory until the finicky toilet agrees to both flush and drain which sometimes means all. day. So gross and annoying. Ugh.
That's enough toilet talk.
I am lying propped up in bed (which is my favorite position by the way), alone and writing my blog with NPR on and the soothing symphony music just ended and now I am trying to block out annoying NPR lady voice until the music comes back on. There it is again now. Ah. Where were we? Yes, lying in my bed writing to you about random things which I hope you will read but hope more earnestly that you will comment. I love comments! It's thrilling to get some which I don't get many of because apparently readers like to see lots and LOTS of posts before they commit. They must know that they can rely on you to write the randomness, like every day. That's a big commitment don't you think?
But I know I can and should post a little more often andit would be good to dump the thoughts that take up most of my brain space and day into the gentle pillow that is my blog. Otherwise my inside voice comes outside and scares my husband and children but that takes a while and only happens when my husband kicks my emotional trip wire and then BLAM!! Told you sucker. You didn't listen did you? But honestly, I would like to spread my thoughts on a conveyor belt and have men and women in white jackets and hairnets pick out the ugliest, most hateful thoughts and toss them into a special bin meant for recycling or re purposing or refurbishing (that's why that iPod won't work??) into something cleaner and kinder. Some things that help instead of hurt. I hate it when I lose control of my tongue. Damn it.
This is it for now.
Besties.
C
That's enough toilet talk.
I am lying propped up in bed (which is my favorite position by the way), alone and writing my blog with NPR on and the soothing symphony music just ended and now I am trying to block out annoying NPR lady voice until the music comes back on. There it is again now. Ah. Where were we? Yes, lying in my bed writing to you about random things which I hope you will read but hope more earnestly that you will comment. I love comments! It's thrilling to get some which I don't get many of because apparently readers like to see lots and LOTS of posts before they commit. They must know that they can rely on you to write the randomness, like every day. That's a big commitment don't you think?
But I know I can and should post a little more often andit would be good to dump the thoughts that take up most of my brain space and day into the gentle pillow that is my blog. Otherwise my inside voice comes outside and scares my husband and children but that takes a while and only happens when my husband kicks my emotional trip wire and then BLAM!! Told you sucker. You didn't listen did you? But honestly, I would like to spread my thoughts on a conveyor belt and have men and women in white jackets and hairnets pick out the ugliest, most hateful thoughts and toss them into a special bin meant for recycling or re purposing or refurbishing (that's why that iPod won't work??) into something cleaner and kinder. Some things that help instead of hurt. I hate it when I lose control of my tongue. Damn it.
This is it for now.
Besties.
C
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Camping
Dark blue skies stippled with stars
Warmth of brown down sleeping bag under my head
and around my body
clean breaths taken in the night air
my Daddy close by
Peace
Warmth of brown down sleeping bag under my head
and around my body
clean breaths taken in the night air
my Daddy close by
Peace
Reality?
Dear Readers,
I was going to entitle this post "Back to Realty" but then I got to thinking about the definition of reality. At least my definition. It's really subjective isn't it? What my perception of reality is may be very different than yours and I think that is just as it should be.
My current reality for example, is that I am back at work after 11 days off. So my "reality" implies that it's a negative thing to be back at work, which it is but I digress. The rambling point I am trying to make here is that being on vacation was just as much reality as being at work is. Now that I have that cleared up I can proceed with my post updates.
I have managed to stay on track with the dieting, for the most part although I did consume far more wine than I had intended. I think I am wined out for a while. Christmas was wonderful- kids and adults were all happy and I cooked my little heart and and had a great time.
My first day bakc at work blues are in full gear and I am already missing sitting on the couch, snuggled with my 6 year old son watching movies while he played his DS or chattered about random things. I miss hearing his sweet voice. I just all around enjoyed being at home and got used to it very quickly. I felt a lightening in my spirit. I felt less burdened even though I still have the same problems and issues. I also felt more myself, or the self that is less stressed and I really like her. Wish I could keep her full time.
My plan is start my goal setting for the year because I know writing down goals works but it's just so darn hard for me to get into that frame of mind and really focus. But as with my weight loss, things will not change for me in my life unless I acknowledge the areas that are dragging me down, stop making excuses and begin moving forward toward the future that feels more real to me.
One of my goals this year is to devise a way to become more confident that I can and will always find a way to earn a living, hopefully in a way that is more self-reliant and less "job reliant". I am determined this year to make this happen and have enlisted a good friend at work who has agreed to help hold me accountable and I her.
It's January 5, 2010 and time for me to begin creating again like I have in the past.
What will you create?
Best,
C.
I was going to entitle this post "Back to Realty" but then I got to thinking about the definition of reality. At least my definition. It's really subjective isn't it? What my perception of reality is may be very different than yours and I think that is just as it should be.
My current reality for example, is that I am back at work after 11 days off. So my "reality" implies that it's a negative thing to be back at work, which it is but I digress. The rambling point I am trying to make here is that being on vacation was just as much reality as being at work is. Now that I have that cleared up I can proceed with my post updates.
I have managed to stay on track with the dieting, for the most part although I did consume far more wine than I had intended. I think I am wined out for a while. Christmas was wonderful- kids and adults were all happy and I cooked my little heart and and had a great time.
My first day bakc at work blues are in full gear and I am already missing sitting on the couch, snuggled with my 6 year old son watching movies while he played his DS or chattered about random things. I miss hearing his sweet voice. I just all around enjoyed being at home and got used to it very quickly. I felt a lightening in my spirit. I felt less burdened even though I still have the same problems and issues. I also felt more myself, or the self that is less stressed and I really like her. Wish I could keep her full time.
My plan is start my goal setting for the year because I know writing down goals works but it's just so darn hard for me to get into that frame of mind and really focus. But as with my weight loss, things will not change for me in my life unless I acknowledge the areas that are dragging me down, stop making excuses and begin moving forward toward the future that feels more real to me.
One of my goals this year is to devise a way to become more confident that I can and will always find a way to earn a living, hopefully in a way that is more self-reliant and less "job reliant". I am determined this year to make this happen and have enlisted a good friend at work who has agreed to help hold me accountable and I her.
It's January 5, 2010 and time for me to begin creating again like I have in the past.
What will you create?
Best,
C.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Losin' It
So far I am down about 12 pounds. We'll see what damage I did during Thanksgiving which hopefully should be minimal since I ate reasonably well. I was bad about drinking enough water so I need to continue to work on that.
I am about 2.5 months in with the dieting/exercise and have found that a lot of my food cravings have disappeared which is a really, really great thing. I used to crave pasta/salt/cheese on an almost daily basis.
My next doctor's appointment is December 14 and my goal is to step on the scale and have the nurse NOT move the bar past the 20 mark on the scale. I hope to be under 170 lbs. My clothes are fitting better and I look better. Still have to lose more so I am just trying to stay focused on shedding the rest as quickly as I can.
I am about 2.5 months in with the dieting/exercise and have found that a lot of my food cravings have disappeared which is a really, really great thing. I used to crave pasta/salt/cheese on an almost daily basis.
My next doctor's appointment is December 14 and my goal is to step on the scale and have the nurse NOT move the bar past the 20 mark on the scale. I hope to be under 170 lbs. My clothes are fitting better and I look better. Still have to lose more so I am just trying to stay focused on shedding the rest as quickly as I can.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Results Are In
Yes, I have an under active Thyroid. My doctor started me on medication, half a pill for the first four days and then whole ones from then on.
So it's day 5 and I just took my whole pill. The side effects from taking just half of the pill caused me to be even MORE emotional and tired which can happen until the hormones level out... which could take months. Ugh.
I did end up feeling better yesterday afternoon- it was almost like a switch. I became less blue and perked up. We'll see how today goes on the whole pill. As I swallowed the pill, I thought "here's to burning some fat". I hope this works. I've kept up with the exercising and diet but have not lost much- about 6 pounds total but I do feel a little firmer and my clothes fit a little better. I am tempted to fast to accelerate the weight loss but I don't want to cut down on any of the potential muscle I have been building over this past month. It takes a looong time to see real results. But I am trying and feel proud that I have stuck it out this long.
My hopes are that if I can change my body, I can also change my life. I am still moving forward with wanting to start my own business. I really already started but need to figure out how to market my business. I have a few free teleseminars that I need to listen too. I just have not had the energy this past week but I am hoping that I will carve out some time today.
I have decided that this year, I will put up with less bull shit. Including from myself. Cut out the negative self talk and doubt. Refuse to put up with rude people or at least reduce them in my mind and demeanour to the insects they are. And finally, refuse to be treated poorly by anyone, including my husband.
This week was my birthday. The day started out well enough but I did not get the attention I thought I would... which kicked my blue mood into high gear. I could not stand to be around myself so I left work and headed down to the beach. Yes, the beach which is a good hour and half a way. I drove all the way there, got out in the shopping district and wandered around for a bit, breathing in the smell of the rich. The smell of the rich as it turns out, is the smell of a Day Spa I walked by which emitted aromas of sea salt scrubs and rich, mineral infused lotions. I bought myself a cup of coffee and a whole grain bagel because I was too chicken to eat by myself in one of the small restaurants. It was too lonely of a prospect. I made my way back to my car, put my flip flops on, rolled up my pant legs and walked right into the waves that lapped at the shore. The sand is so beautiful- powdery white and soft. The water was cool but not cold and felt good. I picked up few shells and sat down on the sand. It was nice to be myself and think. I watched the waves roll in gently and watched a sail boat in the distance. As I sat there, I watched couples walk by as well as foreign women in fancy bathing suits, I was struck by a thought. Other than my husband and children, I have no immediate family living near me. They all live in other states. It dawned on me probably for the first time that I was missing out on the traditional family bonding- the boring graduations and obligatory barbeque's. But with the boredom came a sense of identity as well as civility. So many couples I know here in Florida struggle in their marriages, myself included. Without the routine of traditional family events, it's easy for couples to drift apart and become uncivil towards one another. Even though our family may be a phone call away, it's not the same as seeing them and being with them in person.
I was in the grocery store the other day and overheard a mother talking to her daughter on her cell phone. The mother was assuring her that "grandma" would be home and not to worry. What a nice thing that would be to have- another member of your tribe there to help out with your children. I think of this as I think about my in-laws who may end up needing a place to live (namely our house). I originally balked at the idea of having them live with us not because I don't love them, because I do but because of the fear of getting on each others nerves and becoming angry at each other. But then I think of the potentially good aspects- someone always home, always around. A helping hand, another ear to hear me vent.
Here is the potentially good aspects in your life.
Best,
C.
So it's day 5 and I just took my whole pill. The side effects from taking just half of the pill caused me to be even MORE emotional and tired which can happen until the hormones level out... which could take months. Ugh.
I did end up feeling better yesterday afternoon- it was almost like a switch. I became less blue and perked up. We'll see how today goes on the whole pill. As I swallowed the pill, I thought "here's to burning some fat". I hope this works. I've kept up with the exercising and diet but have not lost much- about 6 pounds total but I do feel a little firmer and my clothes fit a little better. I am tempted to fast to accelerate the weight loss but I don't want to cut down on any of the potential muscle I have been building over this past month. It takes a looong time to see real results. But I am trying and feel proud that I have stuck it out this long.
My hopes are that if I can change my body, I can also change my life. I am still moving forward with wanting to start my own business. I really already started but need to figure out how to market my business. I have a few free teleseminars that I need to listen too. I just have not had the energy this past week but I am hoping that I will carve out some time today.
I have decided that this year, I will put up with less bull shit. Including from myself. Cut out the negative self talk and doubt. Refuse to put up with rude people or at least reduce them in my mind and demeanour to the insects they are. And finally, refuse to be treated poorly by anyone, including my husband.
This week was my birthday. The day started out well enough but I did not get the attention I thought I would... which kicked my blue mood into high gear. I could not stand to be around myself so I left work and headed down to the beach. Yes, the beach which is a good hour and half a way. I drove all the way there, got out in the shopping district and wandered around for a bit, breathing in the smell of the rich. The smell of the rich as it turns out, is the smell of a Day Spa I walked by which emitted aromas of sea salt scrubs and rich, mineral infused lotions. I bought myself a cup of coffee and a whole grain bagel because I was too chicken to eat by myself in one of the small restaurants. It was too lonely of a prospect. I made my way back to my car, put my flip flops on, rolled up my pant legs and walked right into the waves that lapped at the shore. The sand is so beautiful- powdery white and soft. The water was cool but not cold and felt good. I picked up few shells and sat down on the sand. It was nice to be myself and think. I watched the waves roll in gently and watched a sail boat in the distance. As I sat there, I watched couples walk by as well as foreign women in fancy bathing suits, I was struck by a thought. Other than my husband and children, I have no immediate family living near me. They all live in other states. It dawned on me probably for the first time that I was missing out on the traditional family bonding- the boring graduations and obligatory barbeque's. But with the boredom came a sense of identity as well as civility. So many couples I know here in Florida struggle in their marriages, myself included. Without the routine of traditional family events, it's easy for couples to drift apart and become uncivil towards one another. Even though our family may be a phone call away, it's not the same as seeing them and being with them in person.
I was in the grocery store the other day and overheard a mother talking to her daughter on her cell phone. The mother was assuring her that "grandma" would be home and not to worry. What a nice thing that would be to have- another member of your tribe there to help out with your children. I think of this as I think about my in-laws who may end up needing a place to live (namely our house). I originally balked at the idea of having them live with us not because I don't love them, because I do but because of the fear of getting on each others nerves and becoming angry at each other. But then I think of the potentially good aspects- someone always home, always around. A helping hand, another ear to hear me vent.
Here is the potentially good aspects in your life.
Best,
C.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Possibilities?
I received my blood test results this past Friday. My cholesterol is high and so are my triglycerides. And the voice of the youngish girl that gave me the results still rings in my head. She had a midwestern accent. "Don't eat Faattty foods or friied foods".
"I really don't" I wanted to reply. Or not as often as one would think. Needless to say I went home from work depressed and spent Friday night searching the net for ways to lower my cholesterol. Many of the meal suggestions I have already incorporated so now what? I have been exercising almost every day for at least for 60 minutes.
Then yesterday, I received another call from my doctor's office. I started to interrupt the girl thinking that she did not know that someone had already given me my results. "No", she said. "Your TSH levels came back". "Which are?" I asked. "Your thyroid", she said.
So my TSH levels are very high which indicate an underactive thyroid but my doctor wants me to get retested in 2 weeks just to make sure the results were not a "fluke". Honestly I was relieved to hear these results. I did some searching and it turns out that high cholesterol and hypothyroidism (underactive) go hand in hand. Many report that with thyroid medication not only do their TSH levels drop, but so does cholesterol (and weight!).
I know I need to confirm all of this with my doctor but this condition would explain a lot. Since I turned 35 almost 4 years ago, I have steadily gained 10 pounds a year with relatively little change in my diet. I know, I know about aging and the correlation of weight gain but 10lbs a year is a lot in my opinion.
So hear are some other symptoms with hypothyroidism that I have suffered with especially the last few years that I just chalked up to age and diet:
"I really don't" I wanted to reply. Or not as often as one would think. Needless to say I went home from work depressed and spent Friday night searching the net for ways to lower my cholesterol. Many of the meal suggestions I have already incorporated so now what? I have been exercising almost every day for at least for 60 minutes.
Then yesterday, I received another call from my doctor's office. I started to interrupt the girl thinking that she did not know that someone had already given me my results. "No", she said. "Your TSH levels came back". "Which are?" I asked. "Your thyroid", she said.
So my TSH levels are very high which indicate an underactive thyroid but my doctor wants me to get retested in 2 weeks just to make sure the results were not a "fluke". Honestly I was relieved to hear these results. I did some searching and it turns out that high cholesterol and hypothyroidism (underactive) go hand in hand. Many report that with thyroid medication not only do their TSH levels drop, but so does cholesterol (and weight!).
I know I need to confirm all of this with my doctor but this condition would explain a lot. Since I turned 35 almost 4 years ago, I have steadily gained 10 pounds a year with relatively little change in my diet. I know, I know about aging and the correlation of weight gain but 10lbs a year is a lot in my opinion.
So hear are some other symptoms with hypothyroidism that I have suffered with especially the last few years that I just chalked up to age and diet:
- constipation (sorry folks but it's the truth)
- heavier periods (I had my tubes tied and this is one of the side affects)
- fatigue (let's face it- most working moms are tired and I am no exception)
- high cholesterol
- low blood pressure ( actually a good thing, relatively speaking)
- weight gain (thyroid regulates metabolism and when it's underactive, metabolism slows down)
- irritability
I am going back to the doctor's next week and will send an update at the end of the week if my results come back. The last thing I want is to be put on medication but if helps fix things, I would be very grateful)
C.
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