I am sitting here in my beautiful house, perfectly comfortable after having a long weekend away from work.
The feeling is the same as when I have gone on a nice, long vacation. I am always left with the same feeling which is that if I never had to go back, I would not miss it. I no longer connect with it as part of my identity. I think that most of us want and need to be good at something or want to be thought of as being good as something. I don't think this is the same thing as being good. When you think about it the word "good" itself is completely subjective.
Yesterday, my husband drove me around two beautiful sections of Tampa. We visited Davis Island and then Hyde Park which are two upscale neighborhoods both lined with old live oak trees and a selection of unique homes- some large and some small and quaint with architectural details from the 1920's that you would never find in the sprawling suburbs that dominate most of Tampa. We came across one house on David Island that was for sale (there were some for sale on every street). It was a newer house made to look like it was built in the 1920's. It was a spanish style home with barrel tile roof and beautiful arched wooden front doors with iron detailing. My husband found an open gate in the back and found an open door to the hosue. We nervously ventured inside, unsure if we would set off alarms. The house was completely empty. The back french doors opened up to a gorgeous kitchen with a center island that was itself a piece of furniture- two dish washers, commercial grade appliances, a warming drawer and two different colors of gleaming granite. Even the lighting fixtures were unique and not the typical stuff you would find in a Home Depot or Lowes. There was also a carved stone fireplace. And. The house sat on Tampa Bay ocean front. Sigh. The house was so far out of our range- $3.9 million to be exact. Instead of feeling wistful upon leaving I was instead thoughtful. It amazed and surprised me that such a house was even crafted and that a person of heavy financial means could buy it. Strangely, it made me happy to know this. It seemed an accomplishment to me or a testament that grand things were possible. I think this is what struck me the most was the possibility of such grand things.
Viewing this house helped me change my perspective or at least adjust it. I realized that even with a promotion at work, I could never afford this type of house and was said promotion all I would ever aspire to? Or was thing more? Could there be more? I believe the answer to be yes. I quickly realized, even though I have thought this before, that I will never become wealthy working for someone else. Never. And I realized that I do not want to work for anyone else anymore.
You can probably guess that I was passed over for a promotion. Indeed. Nothing like good, stiff rejection to get the imagination flowing. I my efforts in area where they did not belong and my heart- no my soul was never really in it. I want more time with my family. It's when I feel the most peaceful. I feel the most serene when I am at home, in a clean house, children fed and clean and put to bed without a rush. It feels the most authentic to sit in the silence of the house I made for my family. My job is an added burden, the most distasteful waste of my time and talents.
I do not have a trust fund. Don't even have a plan. All I have is this blog, the ability to write and the hope and determination that I can make a better life for myself and my family. I do not know what to do next- only to keep going, to keep writing and keep imagining my life as I know it could be. Freer, happier, lighter.
I know it starts with being grateful. And I am. But it's also time to start wrapping things up at work as if. As if is huge. I will start living as if I have given my notice and start preparing for my truer life.