A Scale of Proportions

I stepped on the scale today for the first time since October 2008 when I was at my doctor's office. I weigh 180 lbs.

Getting on the scale has always been difficult for me. I weighed 165lbs in highschool when most girls my age weighed under 120 lbs. I am not a big eater but clearly I do make the wrong choices sometimes and so I gain weight and keep it on for a long time.

I weigh the most I have ever weighed, even when I was 9 months pregnant with each of my three children. To be sure, I have been in a state of denial. It's just easier to buy a bigger pair of pants. But I do feel terrible, not just esthetically, but physically as well. I have almost constant lower back pain and horrible digestion issues. I feel bloated and stuffed and when I look at pictures of me that were taken on our vacation last week, it looks as if I ate my former self. My face is swollen looking- it looks as if I had my tonsils out.

Since highschool, I have always been able to lose weight and keep it off. 145-150 lbs is normal for me since I am 5'6" and curvy. This past two years I have just lived in constant denial about my weight. I am tempted to go on a crash diet just to get some of it off but I feel too weak to even try. In the past I would weigh myself obsessively until the weight came off. So this time, I have no baby to show for my weight gain- just a belly and hips full of blubber, all ready large breasts that have swelled another cup size, and a pretty face hidden under bloated cheeks.

How do I start? If I listed here what I normally ate you would think "how did she get to 180 lbs??" I don't snack, I don't chow down on chips or cookies or candy. Cooking has always been a love of mine and I like watch most of the cooking shows so I end up using too much oil and butter for what I need. And I love, love red wine. I would rather have a great glass of red wine then eat dinner most nights. But usually I end up doing both. I look and feel like a marshmallow.

I know I need to start NOW but don't want to because dieting is hard and weight loss for me is slow. But I am writing to set a goal and more importantly keep myself accountable.

My goal for the week of 8/24/09

Weigh 170 by Friday, 8/28/09

Goal for week of 8/31/09

Weigh 165

Goal for week of 9/6/09

Weigh 160

Goal for week of 9/13/09

Weigh 155

Goal for week of 9/20/09

Weigh 150

Goal for week of 9/27/09

Weigh 145 ** Goal **

Check to see if back pain is gone, if digestion is regulated, if bra size is down.

Buena Suerte!

Ten Minutes to Write

OK. I have literally ten minutes to write before my next meeting. Although I could probably type this in the meeting as well... instead of paying attention like I am supposed to.

I am getting ready for vacation and am SO excited that I can barely stand it. My family and I have not been on a real vacation in a while. We are going to the Georgia Mountains and I look forward to just being outside, breathing in fresh air and tipping my toes in cool, fresh water. We don't have much of that in Florida and I often feel guilty that my kids have missed out on this experience.

I think I am more excited to not be at work for an entire week. That's the best part for me. I have come across so many wonderful blogs in the past view weeks. Like this one http://lalalovelythings.blogspot.com/ which displays beautiful photographs just for the sake of being beautiful and for really great writing check out this site http://kdsthinkingoutloud.blogspot.com/

I have not said much have I? Well, we will have to just get to know each other better then.

Off to the meeting.

C

Welcome to my Boring Blog

True- my life is pretty boring in comparison to a lot of other bloggers. But it's real and it's me.

I don't have any cool pictures to post. Maybe if I had, I would draw more people to my little blog and possibly even entice a few to leave me some comments.

Someone was reading my blog yesterday, according to my stat counter so that's good!

I made the decision to stop paying my mortgage. This is the first time in my life I have ever done this. You are reading the blog of a deadbeat. 7/31 was the last day I could have paid without going over 30 days. The night of 7/30, I laid awake pretty much all night staring at the ceiling feeling a mixture of despair, guilt and stress. It has come down to either being late on credit cards or the mortgage. We have been so broke- great credit- but completely broke. We got to the point that whenever we had a large expense like a medical bill or car repair, we turned to credits cards. It had to stop. If it means losing my house, then I suppose it's deserved. We made bad financial decisions and are trying to dig our way out by paying as many debts as possible. I hope to be able to do a short sale, since we are upside down in the house. Wells Fargo refuses to help and keeps telling me they will send paperwork for a possible loan modification but I have yet to receive it despite my numerous phone calls.

I just got tired of being on the rat wheel. I've GOT to pay off the debt and start building some type of savings, even if it means renting for the next few years. We have to change our behavior otherwise things will never change, never get better. I don't blame anyone buy myself. I hold myself accountable for the debt but also for a better future. It IS within my control.

So, for those of you struggling financially, take heart. You are not a lone. Expand your thinking as I have- create options for yourself. Yes your credit will be damaged but that can be repaired with time. I was at the point where my bank account was negative every pay day and I had to scrimp to pay for food and gas for my car to get to work. Don't ever paint yourself in a corner like I did. You deserve better than that and so do I.

If anyone reads this and is currently going through something similar or has made it out, please share your experiences with me. I need some hope right now. And someone to keep kicking me in the ass to do the right thing.