If I could. No, I don't want to start my sentence like that.
I am able to stay home. It's a miracle. I do not have to work for anyone anymore. I work for myself, make my own money and have built something really special, something I am proud of.
It's 7:05 am and my children are eating breakfast. The oldest has already left for school. Next, I will get in the shower, apply makeup, hair, and then dress. I drop off one child at the busstop and one at elementary school. I then return home and clean up the kitchen, start a load of laundry, water my flowers and plants outside. I check on my garden, weed and inspect the stems and leaves. I watch the peppers, cucumbers, tomatos, squash, garlic, basil, thyme, scallions, spinach and lettuce blossom and grow into bounty stippled with dew drops warmed by the morning sun.
Next, I drive to the local small coffee shop and sip a hot cup of coffee and eat whole grain bread with jam or peanut butter. I read magazines or a newspaper. I pause, look around the shop, at my hot cofee sweetened with milk and organic sugar and pause. I look inward and give thanks for all I have, all of my blessings and contemplate the thoughts in between. My thoughts grow less frenetic and I bask in love and gratitude. I feel so grateful, so peaceful. I remember that I led myself to this place, shephered by love and grace. Because right now, this thing, these feelings are here and I am present in them. I open my laptop and read my email, update my blog.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Change
I think I am going to retire this blog and create a brand new one. I have struggled to find my "voice" here. It's been a good outlet, a good start to write and get myself out there a bit but now I feel like I want to do something else, create something else that is more reflective of who I am.
The next blog will have lots of pictures and feature all the things I love, food and cooking, design, books and music, family and friends, beautiful things. One thing I know for sure is that I do NOT want anything to do with life coaching or coaching or consulting. Blech. Just writing those words makes me ill. So, I will take down my other coaching blog and twitter account since no one reads them anyway. Why would they? They are boring and really inauthentic. This is what happens when I try and force something into being instead of allowing my higher, creative self have at it.
Work does not have to be dreary does it? Making money should and can be fun, I think. Trick is to figure it out without getting too stressed out. Letting it flow, as they say. I am not sure what this will entail but at least I finally figured out what it should not entail and for me that's a huge step!
Once, I was an artist. I had a wonderful art teacher named Ms. Stannard. She was so kind to me at a time when as a teen, I felt so insecure and hopeless. She encouraged my art so enthusiastically and genuinely that it made me feel so good however briefly. Thank you Ms. Stannard for your caring soul and kind words. I was often baffled by her enthusiasm. Other kids made fun of her eccentricities but they could not see that it was she who had a wider, holistic view of things. She had the gift of seeing beauty in things.
The next blog will have lots of pictures and feature all the things I love, food and cooking, design, books and music, family and friends, beautiful things. One thing I know for sure is that I do NOT want anything to do with life coaching or coaching or consulting. Blech. Just writing those words makes me ill. So, I will take down my other coaching blog and twitter account since no one reads them anyway. Why would they? They are boring and really inauthentic. This is what happens when I try and force something into being instead of allowing my higher, creative self have at it.
Work does not have to be dreary does it? Making money should and can be fun, I think. Trick is to figure it out without getting too stressed out. Letting it flow, as they say. I am not sure what this will entail but at least I finally figured out what it should not entail and for me that's a huge step!
Once, I was an artist. I had a wonderful art teacher named Ms. Stannard. She was so kind to me at a time when as a teen, I felt so insecure and hopeless. She encouraged my art so enthusiastically and genuinely that it made me feel so good however briefly. Thank you Ms. Stannard for your caring soul and kind words. I was often baffled by her enthusiasm. Other kids made fun of her eccentricities but they could not see that it was she who had a wider, holistic view of things. She had the gift of seeing beauty in things.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I Believe
I believe in the wisdom of women.
I believe in getting closer to the earth, to acknowledge the living energy that abounds. I believe in a new order.
No "manifesto" here. I have been seeing that term thrown about everywhere which, when boiled down manifestos are really marketing plans disguised as self-help.
In my minds eye I can see a return to a more natural way of living. Not at all austere. Simplified yes but very, very comfortable. I see more homes made of wood and stone, thatched roofs and large gardens bursting with harvest. Fenced parcels of land with green grass and animals roaming peacefully. Creation of real communities that are in fact communities. People who choose to live together, and help each other as neighbors. Why did we ever move away from this way of living?
If we look at history, particularly American history I can understand the initial evolution. People came here to escape persecution, oppression and poverty. Many were farmers who came from over tilled, burned out land and wanted a chance to be free. But for some, the first taste of freedom created the desire to multiply fortune and the quickest way to do this was through industrialization. Automation and repetition created "efficiency" as defined by those that profited most from it. Interestingly enough, these same terms are used today to defend the increased outsourcing and off shoring of American jobs- automation and repetition create "efficiency" as defined by corporations and lower production costs increase revenue.
Let's look at the definition of efficiency. Webster defined efficiency as:
[Noun] The act of producing effects; a causing to be or exist; effectual agency. The manner of this divine efficiency is far above us. Gravity does not proceed from the efficiency of any contingent or unstable agent.. Source: Webster's 1828 American Dictionary.
Within the Webster definition link there were many definitions of "efficiency". So, efficiency really does mean different things to different people. For corporations, I believe they use the revenue centric definition as follows:
The efficiency ratio of a business is expenses as a percentage of revenue (expenses / revenue) with a few variations. A lower percentage is better since that means expenses are low and earnings are big. It's the "reverse" operating leverage: revenue / expenses. (references)
Economic efficiency is a general term for the value assigned to a situation by some measure designed to capture the amount of waste or "friction" or other undesirable and undesirable economic features present. The term microeconomic reform refers to any policy designed to increase economic efficiency. (references)
I believe in getting closer to the earth, to acknowledge the living energy that abounds. I believe in a new order.
No "manifesto" here. I have been seeing that term thrown about everywhere which, when boiled down manifestos are really marketing plans disguised as self-help.
In my minds eye I can see a return to a more natural way of living. Not at all austere. Simplified yes but very, very comfortable. I see more homes made of wood and stone, thatched roofs and large gardens bursting with harvest. Fenced parcels of land with green grass and animals roaming peacefully. Creation of real communities that are in fact communities. People who choose to live together, and help each other as neighbors. Why did we ever move away from this way of living?
If we look at history, particularly American history I can understand the initial evolution. People came here to escape persecution, oppression and poverty. Many were farmers who came from over tilled, burned out land and wanted a chance to be free. But for some, the first taste of freedom created the desire to multiply fortune and the quickest way to do this was through industrialization. Automation and repetition created "efficiency" as defined by those that profited most from it. Interestingly enough, these same terms are used today to defend the increased outsourcing and off shoring of American jobs- automation and repetition create "efficiency" as defined by corporations and lower production costs increase revenue.
Let's look at the definition of efficiency. Webster defined efficiency as:
[Noun] The act of producing effects; a causing to be or exist; effectual agency. The manner of this divine efficiency is far above us. Gravity does not proceed from the efficiency of any contingent or unstable agent.. Source: Webster's 1828 American Dictionary.
Within the Webster definition link there were many definitions of "efficiency". So, efficiency really does mean different things to different people. For corporations, I believe they use the revenue centric definition as follows:
The efficiency ratio of a business is expenses as a percentage of revenue (expenses / revenue) with a few variations. A lower percentage is better since that means expenses are low and earnings are big. It's the "reverse" operating leverage: revenue / expenses. (references)
Other definitions of efficiency:
r=P/C of the amount P of some valuable resource produced, per amount C of valuable resources consumed
Economic efficiency is a general term for the value assigned to a situation by some measure designed to capture the amount of waste or "friction" or other undesirable and undesirable economic features present. The term microeconomic reform refers to any policy designed to increase economic efficiency. (references)
I suppose my point to all of this is that many of us, myself included get caught up in someone else's subjective reality. What if I or you just simply decide not too? What if our reality is our own choosing?
What you are reading is the ramblings of a middle class wife and mother who works full time. If I am focused on definitions in this post than middle class for me = broke. Living paycheck to paycheck with little to no savings. Why do I do this? The answer is because I have been believing in someone else's reality. Instead of my own.
It's time to stop.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
It was 1980 something
Do you ever get random flashes of memory of when you were younger? I do.
More often than not, I will get some of these flashes when I am listening to 80s music in Winn-Dixie. They play the best songs there and I along with the other shoppers frequently sing along with the lyrics out loud, unashamed.
Sometimes I think these flashes are not about a particular memory but more about youth. The feeling of being young, raw and eager. It can be exhilarating. So much future ahead, so much possibility. We lose that as we get older. Maybe I have these reflections because I will be 40 this year? Sigh. I don't know.
I can sometimes remember vividly my french braid phase in the mid 80s with big silver hoop earrings. I wore my hair like this just about every single day. Forenza sweaters and overalls. Eighth grade was rugby shirts and docksiders but high school was all about the sweaters. Of course my favorite shoes were lace up prairie boots. LOVED them. To this day, one of my favorite outfits that I coveted was the outfit Molly Ringwald wore in "The Breakfast Club". Long skirt, wide belt, cute short sleeved shirt and lace up prairie boots. It would still be fashionable today I think. That movie is on so often and every time it comes on I watch long enough just so I can see that outfit.
In high school, (the majority of which was a horrible, lonely place) I used to lean my head on the window of the school bus daydreaming about all the cool outfits I would get to buy someday. Eventually, I started my first job at the Dry Cleaners and was able to buy really cool clothes since my parents rarely, if ever bought them for me. I started babysitting at the age of 12 and from that point on if my mother knew I had money, she'd make me walk down to the locally owned clothing store to buy my clothes. I don't remember being upset about this, it was just the way it was and I actually liked the freedom of being able to pick out my own clothes.
Other times I will remember walking in the mall, desperate to find just the right clothes to wear. It was exhausting. My high school was so label focused and I was so envious of the girls who came in to school with a different Bennetton sweater on every day like it was no big deal. Beautiful girls. Lucky girls whose parents put them in braces and had country club memberships. Not a care in the world. Not like me. I lived in a dark, small house hollowed by five people- 2 adults that hated each other and 3 kids that lived together but were never acted like siblings because that would intimate attachment. We were far from that. Especially my sister. She abused me. Younger than me and her tongue was a triangulate of hate, spite and jealousy. She looked at me and saw the rawness and called out my flaws and helped make me despise myself. So hurtful she was. Still is. I was the kid that prayed during hurricane storms to give me the power to grow up and move out as soon as possible.
My high school was a total mean girl high school. Fortunately, because I was so quiet I successfully faded into the background and was not harassed too much. I was not quite in the loser crowd (though I definitely came close at times) I was definitely not popular. Friendships in the popular crowd were based on who you knew , what you wore and who you associated with. I was in the lower class, "normal" crowd who befriended people I actually had things in common with. Plus, I could be funny and some people appreciated that. When I was a freshman, some people thought I was related to some girl named "Beth" who was a popular junior girl apparently but we were no relation so for about a minute, some of the popular kids talked to me. Once they realized there was no relation they stopped immediately.
Some people are afraid of getting older. For me, the more distance there is between my teenage years the better. I am a totally different person now. Not just mature, but wiser and happier which for a long time I never thought would be possible. Even though the prospect of turning 40 is a little daunting for me, it's not entirely negative. I still feel the inkling of possibility, of hope for a better future but more importantly the ability to appreciate what I have now, the feeling of being blessed and loved for who I am.
More often than not, I will get some of these flashes when I am listening to 80s music in Winn-Dixie. They play the best songs there and I along with the other shoppers frequently sing along with the lyrics out loud, unashamed.
Sometimes I think these flashes are not about a particular memory but more about youth. The feeling of being young, raw and eager. It can be exhilarating. So much future ahead, so much possibility. We lose that as we get older. Maybe I have these reflections because I will be 40 this year? Sigh. I don't know.
I can sometimes remember vividly my french braid phase in the mid 80s with big silver hoop earrings. I wore my hair like this just about every single day. Forenza sweaters and overalls. Eighth grade was rugby shirts and docksiders but high school was all about the sweaters. Of course my favorite shoes were lace up prairie boots. LOVED them. To this day, one of my favorite outfits that I coveted was the outfit Molly Ringwald wore in "The Breakfast Club". Long skirt, wide belt, cute short sleeved shirt and lace up prairie boots. It would still be fashionable today I think. That movie is on so often and every time it comes on I watch long enough just so I can see that outfit.
In high school, (the majority of which was a horrible, lonely place) I used to lean my head on the window of the school bus daydreaming about all the cool outfits I would get to buy someday. Eventually, I started my first job at the Dry Cleaners and was able to buy really cool clothes since my parents rarely, if ever bought them for me. I started babysitting at the age of 12 and from that point on if my mother knew I had money, she'd make me walk down to the locally owned clothing store to buy my clothes. I don't remember being upset about this, it was just the way it was and I actually liked the freedom of being able to pick out my own clothes.
Other times I will remember walking in the mall, desperate to find just the right clothes to wear. It was exhausting. My high school was so label focused and I was so envious of the girls who came in to school with a different Bennetton sweater on every day like it was no big deal. Beautiful girls. Lucky girls whose parents put them in braces and had country club memberships. Not a care in the world. Not like me. I lived in a dark, small house hollowed by five people- 2 adults that hated each other and 3 kids that lived together but were never acted like siblings because that would intimate attachment. We were far from that. Especially my sister. She abused me. Younger than me and her tongue was a triangulate of hate, spite and jealousy. She looked at me and saw the rawness and called out my flaws and helped make me despise myself. So hurtful she was. Still is. I was the kid that prayed during hurricane storms to give me the power to grow up and move out as soon as possible.
My high school was a total mean girl high school. Fortunately, because I was so quiet I successfully faded into the background and was not harassed too much. I was not quite in the loser crowd (though I definitely came close at times) I was definitely not popular. Friendships in the popular crowd were based on who you knew , what you wore and who you associated with. I was in the lower class, "normal" crowd who befriended people I actually had things in common with. Plus, I could be funny and some people appreciated that. When I was a freshman, some people thought I was related to some girl named "Beth" who was a popular junior girl apparently but we were no relation so for about a minute, some of the popular kids talked to me. Once they realized there was no relation they stopped immediately.
Some people are afraid of getting older. For me, the more distance there is between my teenage years the better. I am a totally different person now. Not just mature, but wiser and happier which for a long time I never thought would be possible. Even though the prospect of turning 40 is a little daunting for me, it's not entirely negative. I still feel the inkling of possibility, of hope for a better future but more importantly the ability to appreciate what I have now, the feeling of being blessed and loved for who I am.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Vacation?
Everytime I take a few days off, or leave the state I always feel like there is the potential to come back a changed person, with a new, brighter perspective on life.
In retrospect, I don't this actually happens, at least not substantially. Maybe in more subtle ways such as when I remember the wooden railing outside of the cabin we rented in North Georgia last year. For some reason, that image sticks with me and gives me a sense of peace.
So, we are off to North Carolina in a few days to see my step-son get off the plane after 7 long months in Afghanistan. The dates keep changing and I am hoping that most the recent change stays firm. His base is near the coast in NC so about 20 minutes from the beaches which I look forward to seeing since I have not been to that part of NC. Other than that, I am not sure what to expect. Just look forward to packing up the car and kids and head north for the next few days.
I find myself calmer this days which is a good thing. Patience brings clarity and perspective.
So, here is to hoping that the trip to NC will bring back positive change.
Cheers,
C.
In retrospect, I don't this actually happens, at least not substantially. Maybe in more subtle ways such as when I remember the wooden railing outside of the cabin we rented in North Georgia last year. For some reason, that image sticks with me and gives me a sense of peace.
So, we are off to North Carolina in a few days to see my step-son get off the plane after 7 long months in Afghanistan. The dates keep changing and I am hoping that most the recent change stays firm. His base is near the coast in NC so about 20 minutes from the beaches which I look forward to seeing since I have not been to that part of NC. Other than that, I am not sure what to expect. Just look forward to packing up the car and kids and head north for the next few days.
I find myself calmer this days which is a good thing. Patience brings clarity and perspective.
So, here is to hoping that the trip to NC will bring back positive change.
Cheers,
C.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
MmmmMMmm
I am home sick today. My stomache is killing me and I can't figure out what I ate that has made me sick. Maybe it was all that broccoli I ate last night? I do love broccoli but I admit I went a little overboard. Every since my underactive thyroid diagnosis I have been avoiding any food that could potentially interfere with my medication. Broccoli is one of those foods unfortunately, however I did learn that if you cook the heck out of it you can eat it. And ate it I did. That's terrible grammar.
Onward.
Have you ever stayed home from work and then later regretted it? Its seems like a good idea, especially when you are doubled over with stomach cramps but then, at least for me the guilt sets in. Guilt for not going to work and guilt for not feeling like doing the million undone chores at home. I am typing this in a middle of half folded laundryand the very sight of this rumpled mess exhausts me. Now my head hurts.
What a whiny blogger I am, although I don't post that often so I don't even know if I could classify myself as a whiny blogger.
So one of the new shows I am excited to watch is "Life Coach" with Cheri O'Teri. She is hilarious and I espcially loved the "Joy the grief counselor episdoe". So funny.
I am off to take a nap.
Onward.
Have you ever stayed home from work and then later regretted it? Its seems like a good idea, especially when you are doubled over with stomach cramps but then, at least for me the guilt sets in. Guilt for not going to work and guilt for not feeling like doing the million undone chores at home. I am typing this in a middle of half folded laundryand the very sight of this rumpled mess exhausts me. Now my head hurts.
What a whiny blogger I am, although I don't post that often so I don't even know if I could classify myself as a whiny blogger.
So one of the new shows I am excited to watch is "Life Coach" with Cheri O'Teri. She is hilarious and I espcially loved the "Joy the grief counselor episdoe". So funny.
I am off to take a nap.
Monday, March 8, 2010
I Hate My Toilet
or rather it hates me. We have a well which has been mainly a curse and a narrow blessing. No water bill but we have to pump out that stupid thing every three to four months and that's not cheap. You see, when the septic tank fills, the toilets don't flush easily. And forget about trying to plunge it to make it go down it's hateful septic pipes. No. Furious plunging only leads to filthy water getting spilled on the floor or yourself and that is just not good. Not good at all. So, we are very often forced to walk away from a bowl full of unsavory until the finicky toilet agrees to both flush and drain which sometimes means all. day. So gross and annoying. Ugh.
That's enough toilet talk.
I am lying propped up in bed (which is my favorite position by the way), alone and writing my blog with NPR on and the soothing symphony music just ended and now I am trying to block out annoying NPR lady voice until the music comes back on. There it is again now. Ah. Where were we? Yes, lying in my bed writing to you about random things which I hope you will read but hope more earnestly that you will comment. I love comments! It's thrilling to get some which I don't get many of because apparently readers like to see lots and LOTS of posts before they commit. They must know that they can rely on you to write the randomness, like every day. That's a big commitment don't you think?
But I know I can and should post a little more often andit would be good to dump the thoughts that take up most of my brain space and day into the gentle pillow that is my blog. Otherwise my inside voice comes outside and scares my husband and children but that takes a while and only happens when my husband kicks my emotional trip wire and then BLAM!! Told you sucker. You didn't listen did you? But honestly, I would like to spread my thoughts on a conveyor belt and have men and women in white jackets and hairnets pick out the ugliest, most hateful thoughts and toss them into a special bin meant for recycling or re purposing or refurbishing (that's why that iPod won't work??) into something cleaner and kinder. Some things that help instead of hurt. I hate it when I lose control of my tongue. Damn it.
This is it for now.
Besties.
C
That's enough toilet talk.
I am lying propped up in bed (which is my favorite position by the way), alone and writing my blog with NPR on and the soothing symphony music just ended and now I am trying to block out annoying NPR lady voice until the music comes back on. There it is again now. Ah. Where were we? Yes, lying in my bed writing to you about random things which I hope you will read but hope more earnestly that you will comment. I love comments! It's thrilling to get some which I don't get many of because apparently readers like to see lots and LOTS of posts before they commit. They must know that they can rely on you to write the randomness, like every day. That's a big commitment don't you think?
But I know I can and should post a little more often andit would be good to dump the thoughts that take up most of my brain space and day into the gentle pillow that is my blog. Otherwise my inside voice comes outside and scares my husband and children but that takes a while and only happens when my husband kicks my emotional trip wire and then BLAM!! Told you sucker. You didn't listen did you? But honestly, I would like to spread my thoughts on a conveyor belt and have men and women in white jackets and hairnets pick out the ugliest, most hateful thoughts and toss them into a special bin meant for recycling or re purposing or refurbishing (that's why that iPod won't work??) into something cleaner and kinder. Some things that help instead of hurt. I hate it when I lose control of my tongue. Damn it.
This is it for now.
Besties.
C
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Camping
Dark blue skies stippled with stars
Warmth of brown down sleeping bag under my head
and around my body
clean breaths taken in the night air
my Daddy close by
Peace
Warmth of brown down sleeping bag under my head
and around my body
clean breaths taken in the night air
my Daddy close by
Peace
Reality?
Dear Readers,
I was going to entitle this post "Back to Realty" but then I got to thinking about the definition of reality. At least my definition. It's really subjective isn't it? What my perception of reality is may be very different than yours and I think that is just as it should be.
My current reality for example, is that I am back at work after 11 days off. So my "reality" implies that it's a negative thing to be back at work, which it is but I digress. The rambling point I am trying to make here is that being on vacation was just as much reality as being at work is. Now that I have that cleared up I can proceed with my post updates.
I have managed to stay on track with the dieting, for the most part although I did consume far more wine than I had intended. I think I am wined out for a while. Christmas was wonderful- kids and adults were all happy and I cooked my little heart and and had a great time.
My first day bakc at work blues are in full gear and I am already missing sitting on the couch, snuggled with my 6 year old son watching movies while he played his DS or chattered about random things. I miss hearing his sweet voice. I just all around enjoyed being at home and got used to it very quickly. I felt a lightening in my spirit. I felt less burdened even though I still have the same problems and issues. I also felt more myself, or the self that is less stressed and I really like her. Wish I could keep her full time.
My plan is start my goal setting for the year because I know writing down goals works but it's just so darn hard for me to get into that frame of mind and really focus. But as with my weight loss, things will not change for me in my life unless I acknowledge the areas that are dragging me down, stop making excuses and begin moving forward toward the future that feels more real to me.
One of my goals this year is to devise a way to become more confident that I can and will always find a way to earn a living, hopefully in a way that is more self-reliant and less "job reliant". I am determined this year to make this happen and have enlisted a good friend at work who has agreed to help hold me accountable and I her.
It's January 5, 2010 and time for me to begin creating again like I have in the past.
What will you create?
Best,
C.
I was going to entitle this post "Back to Realty" but then I got to thinking about the definition of reality. At least my definition. It's really subjective isn't it? What my perception of reality is may be very different than yours and I think that is just as it should be.
My current reality for example, is that I am back at work after 11 days off. So my "reality" implies that it's a negative thing to be back at work, which it is but I digress. The rambling point I am trying to make here is that being on vacation was just as much reality as being at work is. Now that I have that cleared up I can proceed with my post updates.
I have managed to stay on track with the dieting, for the most part although I did consume far more wine than I had intended. I think I am wined out for a while. Christmas was wonderful- kids and adults were all happy and I cooked my little heart and and had a great time.
My first day bakc at work blues are in full gear and I am already missing sitting on the couch, snuggled with my 6 year old son watching movies while he played his DS or chattered about random things. I miss hearing his sweet voice. I just all around enjoyed being at home and got used to it very quickly. I felt a lightening in my spirit. I felt less burdened even though I still have the same problems and issues. I also felt more myself, or the self that is less stressed and I really like her. Wish I could keep her full time.
My plan is start my goal setting for the year because I know writing down goals works but it's just so darn hard for me to get into that frame of mind and really focus. But as with my weight loss, things will not change for me in my life unless I acknowledge the areas that are dragging me down, stop making excuses and begin moving forward toward the future that feels more real to me.
One of my goals this year is to devise a way to become more confident that I can and will always find a way to earn a living, hopefully in a way that is more self-reliant and less "job reliant". I am determined this year to make this happen and have enlisted a good friend at work who has agreed to help hold me accountable and I her.
It's January 5, 2010 and time for me to begin creating again like I have in the past.
What will you create?
Best,
C.
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