Thursday, September 3, 2009

Feeling Better

I already mentioned that I have been feeling better since I have starting eating healthier. But it's also because I have started to let go of a lot of the negative stuff I have been holding onto about work. has mentioned the negative chatter that she has dealt with and learned to silence and this describes my problem as well. I sometimes allow myself to slide down a self-pitying path and mentally leap frog from issue to issue until I become so depressed that I physically shake my head in an effort to snap out of it. I have been getting better. Lately, I will tell myself "really? Are you really going to allow 2 bad pictures of you taken on vacation to rule your thoughts for the entire DAY? Honestly"? And this seems to help me snap out of it.

So the work stuff. I received a review that I was not pleased with. I was described as "basic". I cried for 2 days about this because the feedback I had been receiving all year long from the groups I support was very positive. The issue is with the leadership team that reviewed me. They did not place as much emphasis on this feedback as I hoped and in comparison to my peers, despite my - yes I will say it- glowing reviews from my groups, I was ultimately summarized as "providing the basics". This seems to happen to me every few years. As soon as leadership changes, suddenly I am considered a top performer again. I struggle with this and perhaps this is just the nature of large corporations. Each time this happens I am unable to reconcile the notion that one year I am great and the next just mediocre. My work ethic has always remained the same and the years I am top rated, I have put in the exact same amount of effort.

I allowed myself to go through all of the emotions, shock, anger, sadness and finally questioning my abilities. After a few weeks, the depression breaks without warning and I am suddenly optimistic again. This optimistic feeling comes from the real me, the one that gets tired of feeling down or allowing others to make me feel less than. It's the authentic me that rises up and feels blessed and happy to be in my own skin. I feel beautiful again and strong and most importantly whole.

The bad work stuff is a blessing for me. It forces me to realize that I deserve more than what I have allowed myself. I am a creative person, an intelligent person that cannot be contained by an arbitrary performance review. It's unnatural for me, like wearing shoes that are too small. I walk around jammed in a space that does not fit and chafe and blister until I burst into tears and realize that the only way for relief is to release myself. This is where I am right now- needing to release myself. To be free.

I was watching a show about a relatively new country music band called Lady Antelbellum. Hearing the story of how they formed their group was fascinating. One of the young men quit his 9 to 5 job and then convinced his friend to do the same and move to Nashville. Once there they literally bumped into a young woman who was a singer/songwriter. From that seemingly random event their band was formed.

So I need to be paying attention to more random events.


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