Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Can Someone Please Make a Voodoo Doll of me and Kick My A__?

I am bored to tears at work. I am grateful to have a job, yes. But cannot help but feel irresponsible for not doing something else ( I was going to say "more" but it's not more I need, it's different). I know all about the need to take action. Take Action! Now! Your time is NOW! Shouting doesn't help matters because clearly I am still sitting here, typing this blog. I am like my young son who often tunes me out when I shout. Can't say I blame him. We shout when we are exasperated. When we feel we have no other tools to use.

It's the quiet subtleties, the undertones, the wily inspiration that stays hidden from our everyday focus. This is what drives me crazy. I feel lazy and lethargic and tired of myself. But I feel this way because I get jolts of optimism. And then crash, and then back up again. It's not healthy.

I sit in meetings and have to be prodded to respond to some inane question that is asked of me. It's not fair to them. I just don't belong here yet I sit here and type? Productive I am not.

I am reading Margaret Roach's "and I shall have some peace there". I found it at the book store the other day while shopping for my daughter's SAT book. I sat down and read 20 pages of it. The book is about her leaving a high paying corporate job to live full time at her farm house and tend her garden. She did not have some big epiphany (thank goodness because I would be furious if she did, so jealous would I be!) or experience any kind of crisis such as a layoff or health scare. I have not gotten to the core of why yet as I am still reading the beginning stage where she is explaining how she had to try and separate from her old identity. The woman who always worked for someone else, always had a title and there she was- untethered. No job and a fear of prying open her "real" self. I will let you know how it goes. I like it so far.

So I am going now. Poke me a few times today, will you? Remind me that I need to be doing something else, anything else than what I am currently doing.

Thanks a million.

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