Friday, January 9, 2009


I woke up this morning feeling grateful. So, I wanted to write this down as I am feeling it and then save it so that I can look at it again when I am feeling not so grateful.

Feeling calm, feeling peaceful. I am grateful for the small things like clean laundry, a roof over my head and the possibility of more. The trick is to try and stay in this feeling because in my life I have found that as soon as I stop worrying and I mean really just letting it go, things get better. I know it's not an accident yet I find myself in the same pattern. It's common for people who grew up poor to feel stuck in that cycle yet I look around me and I have a lot. I really do.

I remember my mother sitting at the kitchen table when I was younger writing out her list of bills and watching her become so stressed out. She would scribble numbers and then scratch things off as the balance got lower and lower. We also had a "bill"drawer in the kitchen. Why even name a drawer something so miserable? But that is where she would stuff all of the unopened phone, electric, gas, water bills. My mom and step dad would procrastinate to the point where all of the above would get shut off. Imagine waking up to a cold, dark house and then trying to flush the toilet. As bad as it was, most of it was probably avoidable. But the worry got in the way. They would go out to the bars instead of dealing with reality. They were always borrowing money yet still behind on the mortgage. And I inherited this mentality. Except I do pay my bills but work myself into a frenzy at times worrying about it all because the fact is that not only do I have a lot, I have too much. I invited this stress into my life.

So, I take a deep breath and make sure that my money corner is clear. What's a money corner? Why it's the left corner of a room silly. You must put green or red in the corner and keep it clean so money flows to you. This is called feng shui and I must be doing it wrong because it only works some of the time it seems. My kids don't understand why I have a fit when they move the fake green plant off the chair in the kitchen corner. I say nothing because I don't want to pass on my neurosis about the whole concept of "lack" in life. They just think I like order. Or that I am nuts.

I have this dream of walking along the beach. I am older. My kids are grown. I am walking with my husband and some good friends, our best friends. Our days revolve around either deep discussions about life or laughing like hell at the memories we have created. This is where I hope to be one day.

Maybe life is about opening ourselves up to peace, to being grateful. There will always be things to worry about. Some people think it’s a choice. I don't think this is true. I don’t think people really choose to be miserable. I think, like me they get stuck and forget how good it feels to well, feel good.

Feel good people.


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