Monday, February 28, 2011

Coming Alive

There is something in me that is starting to unfold. At times, I feel as if there is a novel waiting to be written by me, or a short story or a play. Something. These thoughts come in flashes. It's the muse, (my muse?) whispering past me or through me. I am alert but never take action. If I do decide to write something, I know it will be quick. I will have to sit and write it all out, at once. This is how good writing comes to me. In flashes. And when I use the qualifier "good" I mean writing for me that is focused, instead of my normal, random ramblings which are usually grounded in some form of self pity, unfortunately.

I have a friends tell me they enjoy receiving my letters. That I am funny. I do like to write. As an introvert, it's the most supreme way of communicating for me. My husband, on the other hand hates the hand written letters from me. He considers it impersonal. He would rather I talk things out with him. He's a talker and I am too to a degree. I believe I am more of a debater though. It can be exhausting dealing with me because I cannot help but pick apart and drag up memories to make my point or provide context so that I am not misunderstood. It comes across as self righteous and I am really working on that. Trying to be more open and less judgemental.

I am sitting here at work writing this when I should be working. There is lots to do and I don't want to do any of it really. When I am driving my son to school, I sometimes feel hopeful that I will be able to create a more flexible lifestyle for myself and my family. I really want to be the mom that volunteers at school and picks up her son from "pick up point" instead of having him ride the bus to aftercare and is often, one of the last kids to get picked up.

I had a conversation about this a few weeks ago with a good friend. I have created this situation. And instead of getting depressed, I am committed to creating a better situation. That's all I need to do- is just commit to making things better. Don't think about the how or the why, just the belief that I have the power to make things better and I can start in small ways.

I believe I have it in me to adjust my life in a way that creates both flexibility and opportunity for me. I am striving to be more aware... so that next time, I can recognize the muse as she comes, instead of realizing that she's just left.

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