I Said, In October....

That I would stop writing here. In a quest to find my true writer's "voice". I have tried with another blog, to be more "authentic". The fact that I put the word authentic in quotes demonstrates the futility in that exercise. Authenticity by definition is not planned. It just is. So. I am back.

What I want is to keep writing freely, without too much hesitation.

I came back to write, once again what I want.

I want a warm, safe home for my children.

I want to spend more time in my home, taking care of my home and my garden and my plants. Cleaning and weeding and pulling and tending. I want to take more time to care for my family. To prepare healthy, thoughtful breakfasts instead of rushed, routine meals that end up half chewed and swallowed in the desperate haste to get dressed and rush out the door. I want more peace, more quiet. Less internet, less blogs, less stimulation, less frenzy.

I want to no longer be jealous, of all things.... the dishwasher when I leave the house. Jealous because it gets to whir and hum and clean and care for my family while I am away, while I am not here. Away when I should be here. Tending.

I no longer want a rushed life. My children and family should not be an after thought, a to do list item. This includes myself. I must tend to myself as well. I feel good to know that I have begun to take better care of myself. Because I deserve it.

I will keep moving toward the light even in the uncertainty of what I am supposed to be doing. I keep waiting for answers, for help, for guidance. Instead I need to just tune out as much noise and stimulation and anxiety as possible.