Monday, February 28, 2011

Coming Alive

There is something in me that is starting to unfold. At times, I feel as if there is a novel waiting to be written by me, or a short story or a play. Something. These thoughts come in flashes. It's the muse, (my muse?) whispering past me or through me. I am alert but never take action. If I do decide to write something, I know it will be quick. I will have to sit and write it all out, at once. This is how good writing comes to me. In flashes. And when I use the qualifier "good" I mean writing for me that is focused, instead of my normal, random ramblings which are usually grounded in some form of self pity, unfortunately.

I have a friends tell me they enjoy receiving my letters. That I am funny. I do like to write. As an introvert, it's the most supreme way of communicating for me. My husband, on the other hand hates the hand written letters from me. He considers it impersonal. He would rather I talk things out with him. He's a talker and I am too to a degree. I believe I am more of a debater though. It can be exhausting dealing with me because I cannot help but pick apart and drag up memories to make my point or provide context so that I am not misunderstood. It comes across as self righteous and I am really working on that. Trying to be more open and less judgemental.

I am sitting here at work writing this when I should be working. There is lots to do and I don't want to do any of it really. When I am driving my son to school, I sometimes feel hopeful that I will be able to create a more flexible lifestyle for myself and my family. I really want to be the mom that volunteers at school and picks up her son from "pick up point" instead of having him ride the bus to aftercare and is often, one of the last kids to get picked up.

I had a conversation about this a few weeks ago with a good friend. I have created this situation. And instead of getting depressed, I am committed to creating a better situation. That's all I need to do- is just commit to making things better. Don't think about the how or the why, just the belief that I have the power to make things better and I can start in small ways.

I believe I have it in me to adjust my life in a way that creates both flexibility and opportunity for me. I am striving to be more aware... so that next time, I can recognize the muse as she comes, instead of realizing that she's just left.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Today

As I drove to work today, I had those same thoughts again. Thoughts about quitting my job.

My plan is to actually make a plan and follow it. Sounds simple right? If I let fear control me instead of harness me, then I will not be able make the progress that I need to. No "goals" really just a deep desire to change, radically. To say "why not?" instead of "how?".

My thoughts are to quit and withdraw my small pension to pay off some debts. It's not pragmatic, certainly not responsible in the traditional sense. So far, nothing else has worked for me. I read and plan and scheme. I even say it out loud but I seem to just talk around the edges of what I want to do instead of just doing it. I have already posted about wanting to take better care of my family and myself. I still do. Part of me believes that if I take good care of my home it will take care of me. I really believe that. Why not? (I really want to say how....)

Another police officer was shot and killed last night. This after two other officers died last month. I worry so much for my husband, now more than ever. It makes me question what I am doing with my life.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I Said, In October....

That I would stop writing here. In a quest to find my true writer's "voice". I have tried with another blog, to be more "authentic". The fact that I put the word authentic in quotes demonstrates the futility in that exercise. Authenticity by definition is not planned. It just is. So. I am back.

What I want is to keep writing freely, without too much hesitation.

I came back to write, once again what I want.

I want a warm, safe home for my children.

I want to spend more time in my home, taking care of my home and my garden and my plants. Cleaning and weeding and pulling and tending. I want to take more time to care for my family. To prepare healthy, thoughtful breakfasts instead of rushed, routine meals that end up half chewed and swallowed in the desperate haste to get dressed and rush out the door. I want more peace, more quiet. Less internet, less blogs, less stimulation, less frenzy.

I want to no longer be jealous, of all things.... the dishwasher when I leave the house. Jealous because it gets to whir and hum and clean and care for my family while I am away, while I am not here. Away when I should be here. Tending.

I no longer want a rushed life. My children and family should not be an after thought, a to do list item. This includes myself. I must tend to myself as well. I feel good to know that I have begun to take better care of myself. Because I deserve it.

I will keep moving toward the light even in the uncertainty of what I am supposed to be doing. I keep waiting for answers, for help, for guidance. Instead I need to just tune out as much noise and stimulation and anxiety as possible.