As I drove to work today, I had those same thoughts again. Thoughts about quitting my job.
My plan is to actually make a plan and follow it. Sounds simple right? If I let fear control me instead of harness me, then I will not be able make the progress that I need to. No "goals" really just a deep desire to change, radically. To say "why not?" instead of "how?".
My thoughts are to quit and withdraw my small pension to pay off some debts. It's not pragmatic, certainly not responsible in the traditional sense. So far, nothing else has worked for me. I read and plan and scheme. I even say it out loud but I seem to just talk around the edges of what I want to do instead of just doing it. I have already posted about wanting to take better care of my family and myself. I still do. Part of me believes that if I take good care of my home it will take care of me. I really believe that. Why not? (I really want to say how....)
Another police officer was shot and killed last night. This after two other officers died last month. I worry so much for my husband, now more than ever. It makes me question what I am doing with my life.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I Said, In October....
That I would stop writing here. In a quest to find my true writer's "voice". I have tried with another blog, to be more "authentic". The fact that I put the word authentic in quotes demonstrates the futility in that exercise. Authenticity by definition is not planned. It just is. So. I am back.
What I want is to keep writing freely, without too much hesitation.
I came back to write, once again what I want.
I want a warm, safe home for my children.
I want to spend more time in my home, taking care of my home and my garden and my plants. Cleaning and weeding and pulling and tending. I want to take more time to care for my family. To prepare healthy, thoughtful breakfasts instead of rushed, routine meals that end up half chewed and swallowed in the desperate haste to get dressed and rush out the door. I want more peace, more quiet. Less internet, less blogs, less stimulation, less frenzy.
I want to no longer be jealous, of all things.... the dishwasher when I leave the house. Jealous because it gets to whir and hum and clean and care for my family while I am away, while I am not here. Away when I should be here. Tending.
I no longer want a rushed life. My children and family should not be an after thought, a to do list item. This includes myself. I must tend to myself as well. I feel good to know that I have begun to take better care of myself. Because I deserve it.
I will keep moving toward the light even in the uncertainty of what I am supposed to be doing. I keep waiting for answers, for help, for guidance. Instead I need to just tune out as much noise and stimulation and anxiety as possible.
What I want is to keep writing freely, without too much hesitation.
I came back to write, once again what I want.
I want a warm, safe home for my children.
I want to spend more time in my home, taking care of my home and my garden and my plants. Cleaning and weeding and pulling and tending. I want to take more time to care for my family. To prepare healthy, thoughtful breakfasts instead of rushed, routine meals that end up half chewed and swallowed in the desperate haste to get dressed and rush out the door. I want more peace, more quiet. Less internet, less blogs, less stimulation, less frenzy.
I want to no longer be jealous, of all things.... the dishwasher when I leave the house. Jealous because it gets to whir and hum and clean and care for my family while I am away, while I am not here. Away when I should be here. Tending.
I no longer want a rushed life. My children and family should not be an after thought, a to do list item. This includes myself. I must tend to myself as well. I feel good to know that I have begun to take better care of myself. Because I deserve it.
I will keep moving toward the light even in the uncertainty of what I am supposed to be doing. I keep waiting for answers, for help, for guidance. Instead I need to just tune out as much noise and stimulation and anxiety as possible.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Daybreak
If I could. No, I don't want to start my sentence like that.
I am able to stay home. It's a miracle. I do not have to work for anyone anymore. I work for myself, make my own money and have built something really special, something I am proud of.
It's 7:05 am and my children are eating breakfast. The oldest has already left for school. Next, I will get in the shower, apply makeup, hair, and then dress. I drop off one child at the busstop and one at elementary school. I then return home and clean up the kitchen, start a load of laundry, water my flowers and plants outside. I check on my garden, weed and inspect the stems and leaves. I watch the peppers, cucumbers, tomatos, squash, garlic, basil, thyme, scallions, spinach and lettuce blossom and grow into bounty stippled with dew drops warmed by the morning sun.
Next, I drive to the local small coffee shop and sip a hot cup of coffee and eat whole grain bread with jam or peanut butter. I read magazines or a newspaper. I pause, look around the shop, at my hot cofee sweetened with milk and organic sugar and pause. I look inward and give thanks for all I have, all of my blessings and contemplate the thoughts in between. My thoughts grow less frenetic and I bask in love and gratitude. I feel so grateful, so peaceful. I remember that I led myself to this place, shephered by love and grace. Because right now, this thing, these feelings are here and I am present in them. I open my laptop and read my email, update my blog.
I am able to stay home. It's a miracle. I do not have to work for anyone anymore. I work for myself, make my own money and have built something really special, something I am proud of.
It's 7:05 am and my children are eating breakfast. The oldest has already left for school. Next, I will get in the shower, apply makeup, hair, and then dress. I drop off one child at the busstop and one at elementary school. I then return home and clean up the kitchen, start a load of laundry, water my flowers and plants outside. I check on my garden, weed and inspect the stems and leaves. I watch the peppers, cucumbers, tomatos, squash, garlic, basil, thyme, scallions, spinach and lettuce blossom and grow into bounty stippled with dew drops warmed by the morning sun.
Next, I drive to the local small coffee shop and sip a hot cup of coffee and eat whole grain bread with jam or peanut butter. I read magazines or a newspaper. I pause, look around the shop, at my hot cofee sweetened with milk and organic sugar and pause. I look inward and give thanks for all I have, all of my blessings and contemplate the thoughts in between. My thoughts grow less frenetic and I bask in love and gratitude. I feel so grateful, so peaceful. I remember that I led myself to this place, shephered by love and grace. Because right now, this thing, these feelings are here and I am present in them. I open my laptop and read my email, update my blog.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Change
I think I am going to retire this blog and create a brand new one. I have struggled to find my "voice" here. It's been a good outlet, a good start to write and get myself out there a bit but now I feel like I want to do something else, create something else that is more reflective of who I am.
The next blog will have lots of pictures and feature all the things I love, food and cooking, design, books and music, family and friends, beautiful things. One thing I know for sure is that I do NOT want anything to do with life coaching or coaching or consulting. Blech. Just writing those words makes me ill. So, I will take down my other coaching blog and twitter account since no one reads them anyway. Why would they? They are boring and really inauthentic. This is what happens when I try and force something into being instead of allowing my higher, creative self have at it.
Work does not have to be dreary does it? Making money should and can be fun, I think. Trick is to figure it out without getting too stressed out. Letting it flow, as they say. I am not sure what this will entail but at least I finally figured out what it should not entail and for me that's a huge step!
Once, I was an artist. I had a wonderful art teacher named Ms. Stannard. She was so kind to me at a time when as a teen, I felt so insecure and hopeless. She encouraged my art so enthusiastically and genuinely that it made me feel so good however briefly. Thank you Ms. Stannard for your caring soul and kind words. I was often baffled by her enthusiasm. Other kids made fun of her eccentricities but they could not see that it was she who had a wider, holistic view of things. She had the gift of seeing beauty in things.
The next blog will have lots of pictures and feature all the things I love, food and cooking, design, books and music, family and friends, beautiful things. One thing I know for sure is that I do NOT want anything to do with life coaching or coaching or consulting. Blech. Just writing those words makes me ill. So, I will take down my other coaching blog and twitter account since no one reads them anyway. Why would they? They are boring and really inauthentic. This is what happens when I try and force something into being instead of allowing my higher, creative self have at it.
Work does not have to be dreary does it? Making money should and can be fun, I think. Trick is to figure it out without getting too stressed out. Letting it flow, as they say. I am not sure what this will entail but at least I finally figured out what it should not entail and for me that's a huge step!
Once, I was an artist. I had a wonderful art teacher named Ms. Stannard. She was so kind to me at a time when as a teen, I felt so insecure and hopeless. She encouraged my art so enthusiastically and genuinely that it made me feel so good however briefly. Thank you Ms. Stannard for your caring soul and kind words. I was often baffled by her enthusiasm. Other kids made fun of her eccentricities but they could not see that it was she who had a wider, holistic view of things. She had the gift of seeing beauty in things.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I Believe
I believe in the wisdom of women.
I believe in getting closer to the earth, to acknowledge the living energy that abounds. I believe in a new order.
No "manifesto" here. I have been seeing that term thrown about everywhere which, when boiled down manifestos are really marketing plans disguised as self-help.
In my minds eye I can see a return to a more natural way of living. Not at all austere. Simplified yes but very, very comfortable. I see more homes made of wood and stone, thatched roofs and large gardens bursting with harvest. Fenced parcels of land with green grass and animals roaming peacefully. Creation of real communities that are in fact communities. People who choose to live together, and help each other as neighbors. Why did we ever move away from this way of living?
If we look at history, particularly American history I can understand the initial evolution. People came here to escape persecution, oppression and poverty. Many were farmers who came from over tilled, burned out land and wanted a chance to be free. But for some, the first taste of freedom created the desire to multiply fortune and the quickest way to do this was through industrialization. Automation and repetition created "efficiency" as defined by those that profited most from it. Interestingly enough, these same terms are used today to defend the increased outsourcing and off shoring of American jobs- automation and repetition create "efficiency" as defined by corporations and lower production costs increase revenue.
Let's look at the definition of efficiency. Webster defined efficiency as:
[Noun] The act of producing effects; a causing to be or exist; effectual agency. The manner of this divine efficiency is far above us. Gravity does not proceed from the efficiency of any contingent or unstable agent.. Source: Webster's 1828 American Dictionary.
Within the Webster definition link there were many definitions of "efficiency". So, efficiency really does mean different things to different people. For corporations, I believe they use the revenue centric definition as follows:
The efficiency ratio of a business is expenses as a percentage of revenue (expenses / revenue) with a few variations. A lower percentage is better since that means expenses are low and earnings are big. It's the "reverse" operating leverage: revenue / expenses. (references)
Economic efficiency is a general term for the value assigned to a situation by some measure designed to capture the amount of waste or "friction" or other undesirable and undesirable economic features present. The term microeconomic reform refers to any policy designed to increase economic efficiency. (references)
I believe in getting closer to the earth, to acknowledge the living energy that abounds. I believe in a new order.
No "manifesto" here. I have been seeing that term thrown about everywhere which, when boiled down manifestos are really marketing plans disguised as self-help.
In my minds eye I can see a return to a more natural way of living. Not at all austere. Simplified yes but very, very comfortable. I see more homes made of wood and stone, thatched roofs and large gardens bursting with harvest. Fenced parcels of land with green grass and animals roaming peacefully. Creation of real communities that are in fact communities. People who choose to live together, and help each other as neighbors. Why did we ever move away from this way of living?
If we look at history, particularly American history I can understand the initial evolution. People came here to escape persecution, oppression and poverty. Many were farmers who came from over tilled, burned out land and wanted a chance to be free. But for some, the first taste of freedom created the desire to multiply fortune and the quickest way to do this was through industrialization. Automation and repetition created "efficiency" as defined by those that profited most from it. Interestingly enough, these same terms are used today to defend the increased outsourcing and off shoring of American jobs- automation and repetition create "efficiency" as defined by corporations and lower production costs increase revenue.
Let's look at the definition of efficiency. Webster defined efficiency as:
[Noun] The act of producing effects; a causing to be or exist; effectual agency. The manner of this divine efficiency is far above us. Gravity does not proceed from the efficiency of any contingent or unstable agent.. Source: Webster's 1828 American Dictionary.
Within the Webster definition link there were many definitions of "efficiency". So, efficiency really does mean different things to different people. For corporations, I believe they use the revenue centric definition as follows:
The efficiency ratio of a business is expenses as a percentage of revenue (expenses / revenue) with a few variations. A lower percentage is better since that means expenses are low and earnings are big. It's the "reverse" operating leverage: revenue / expenses. (references)
Other definitions of efficiency:
r=P/C of the amount P of some valuable resource produced, per amount C of valuable resources consumed
Economic efficiency is a general term for the value assigned to a situation by some measure designed to capture the amount of waste or "friction" or other undesirable and undesirable economic features present. The term microeconomic reform refers to any policy designed to increase economic efficiency. (references)
I suppose my point to all of this is that many of us, myself included get caught up in someone else's subjective reality. What if I or you just simply decide not too? What if our reality is our own choosing?
What you are reading is the ramblings of a middle class wife and mother who works full time. If I am focused on definitions in this post than middle class for me = broke. Living paycheck to paycheck with little to no savings. Why do I do this? The answer is because I have been believing in someone else's reality. Instead of my own.
It's time to stop.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
It was 1980 something
Do you ever get random flashes of memory of when you were younger? I do.
More often than not, I will get some of these flashes when I am listening to 80s music in Winn-Dixie. They play the best songs there and I along with the other shoppers frequently sing along with the lyrics out loud, unashamed.
Sometimes I think these flashes are not about a particular memory but more about youth. The feeling of being young, raw and eager. It can be exhilarating. So much future ahead, so much possibility. We lose that as we get older. Maybe I have these reflections because I will be 40 this year? Sigh. I don't know.
I can sometimes remember vividly my french braid phase in the mid 80s with big silver hoop earrings. I wore my hair like this just about every single day. Forenza sweaters and overalls. Eighth grade was rugby shirts and docksiders but high school was all about the sweaters. Of course my favorite shoes were lace up prairie boots. LOVED them. To this day, one of my favorite outfits that I coveted was the outfit Molly Ringwald wore in "The Breakfast Club". Long skirt, wide belt, cute short sleeved shirt and lace up prairie boots. It would still be fashionable today I think. That movie is on so often and every time it comes on I watch long enough just so I can see that outfit.
In high school, (the majority of which was a horrible, lonely place) I used to lean my head on the window of the school bus daydreaming about all the cool outfits I would get to buy someday. Eventually, I started my first job at the Dry Cleaners and was able to buy really cool clothes since my parents rarely, if ever bought them for me. I started babysitting at the age of 12 and from that point on if my mother knew I had money, she'd make me walk down to the locally owned clothing store to buy my clothes. I don't remember being upset about this, it was just the way it was and I actually liked the freedom of being able to pick out my own clothes.
Other times I will remember walking in the mall, desperate to find just the right clothes to wear. It was exhausting. My high school was so label focused and I was so envious of the girls who came in to school with a different Bennetton sweater on every day like it was no big deal. Beautiful girls. Lucky girls whose parents put them in braces and had country club memberships. Not a care in the world. Not like me. I lived in a dark, small house hollowed by five people- 2 adults that hated each other and 3 kids that lived together but were never acted like siblings because that would intimate attachment. We were far from that. Especially my sister. She abused me. Younger than me and her tongue was a triangulate of hate, spite and jealousy. She looked at me and saw the rawness and called out my flaws and helped make me despise myself. So hurtful she was. Still is. I was the kid that prayed during hurricane storms to give me the power to grow up and move out as soon as possible.
My high school was a total mean girl high school. Fortunately, because I was so quiet I successfully faded into the background and was not harassed too much. I was not quite in the loser crowd (though I definitely came close at times) I was definitely not popular. Friendships in the popular crowd were based on who you knew , what you wore and who you associated with. I was in the lower class, "normal" crowd who befriended people I actually had things in common with. Plus, I could be funny and some people appreciated that. When I was a freshman, some people thought I was related to some girl named "Beth" who was a popular junior girl apparently but we were no relation so for about a minute, some of the popular kids talked to me. Once they realized there was no relation they stopped immediately.
Some people are afraid of getting older. For me, the more distance there is between my teenage years the better. I am a totally different person now. Not just mature, but wiser and happier which for a long time I never thought would be possible. Even though the prospect of turning 40 is a little daunting for me, it's not entirely negative. I still feel the inkling of possibility, of hope for a better future but more importantly the ability to appreciate what I have now, the feeling of being blessed and loved for who I am.
More often than not, I will get some of these flashes when I am listening to 80s music in Winn-Dixie. They play the best songs there and I along with the other shoppers frequently sing along with the lyrics out loud, unashamed.
Sometimes I think these flashes are not about a particular memory but more about youth. The feeling of being young, raw and eager. It can be exhilarating. So much future ahead, so much possibility. We lose that as we get older. Maybe I have these reflections because I will be 40 this year? Sigh. I don't know.
I can sometimes remember vividly my french braid phase in the mid 80s with big silver hoop earrings. I wore my hair like this just about every single day. Forenza sweaters and overalls. Eighth grade was rugby shirts and docksiders but high school was all about the sweaters. Of course my favorite shoes were lace up prairie boots. LOVED them. To this day, one of my favorite outfits that I coveted was the outfit Molly Ringwald wore in "The Breakfast Club". Long skirt, wide belt, cute short sleeved shirt and lace up prairie boots. It would still be fashionable today I think. That movie is on so often and every time it comes on I watch long enough just so I can see that outfit.
In high school, (the majority of which was a horrible, lonely place) I used to lean my head on the window of the school bus daydreaming about all the cool outfits I would get to buy someday. Eventually, I started my first job at the Dry Cleaners and was able to buy really cool clothes since my parents rarely, if ever bought them for me. I started babysitting at the age of 12 and from that point on if my mother knew I had money, she'd make me walk down to the locally owned clothing store to buy my clothes. I don't remember being upset about this, it was just the way it was and I actually liked the freedom of being able to pick out my own clothes.
Other times I will remember walking in the mall, desperate to find just the right clothes to wear. It was exhausting. My high school was so label focused and I was so envious of the girls who came in to school with a different Bennetton sweater on every day like it was no big deal. Beautiful girls. Lucky girls whose parents put them in braces and had country club memberships. Not a care in the world. Not like me. I lived in a dark, small house hollowed by five people- 2 adults that hated each other and 3 kids that lived together but were never acted like siblings because that would intimate attachment. We were far from that. Especially my sister. She abused me. Younger than me and her tongue was a triangulate of hate, spite and jealousy. She looked at me and saw the rawness and called out my flaws and helped make me despise myself. So hurtful she was. Still is. I was the kid that prayed during hurricane storms to give me the power to grow up and move out as soon as possible.
My high school was a total mean girl high school. Fortunately, because I was so quiet I successfully faded into the background and was not harassed too much. I was not quite in the loser crowd (though I definitely came close at times) I was definitely not popular. Friendships in the popular crowd were based on who you knew , what you wore and who you associated with. I was in the lower class, "normal" crowd who befriended people I actually had things in common with. Plus, I could be funny and some people appreciated that. When I was a freshman, some people thought I was related to some girl named "Beth" who was a popular junior girl apparently but we were no relation so for about a minute, some of the popular kids talked to me. Once they realized there was no relation they stopped immediately.
Some people are afraid of getting older. For me, the more distance there is between my teenage years the better. I am a totally different person now. Not just mature, but wiser and happier which for a long time I never thought would be possible. Even though the prospect of turning 40 is a little daunting for me, it's not entirely negative. I still feel the inkling of possibility, of hope for a better future but more importantly the ability to appreciate what I have now, the feeling of being blessed and loved for who I am.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Vacation?
Everytime I take a few days off, or leave the state I always feel like there is the potential to come back a changed person, with a new, brighter perspective on life.
In retrospect, I don't this actually happens, at least not substantially. Maybe in more subtle ways such as when I remember the wooden railing outside of the cabin we rented in North Georgia last year. For some reason, that image sticks with me and gives me a sense of peace.
So, we are off to North Carolina in a few days to see my step-son get off the plane after 7 long months in Afghanistan. The dates keep changing and I am hoping that most the recent change stays firm. His base is near the coast in NC so about 20 minutes from the beaches which I look forward to seeing since I have not been to that part of NC. Other than that, I am not sure what to expect. Just look forward to packing up the car and kids and head north for the next few days.
I find myself calmer this days which is a good thing. Patience brings clarity and perspective.
So, here is to hoping that the trip to NC will bring back positive change.
Cheers,
C.
In retrospect, I don't this actually happens, at least not substantially. Maybe in more subtle ways such as when I remember the wooden railing outside of the cabin we rented in North Georgia last year. For some reason, that image sticks with me and gives me a sense of peace.
So, we are off to North Carolina in a few days to see my step-son get off the plane after 7 long months in Afghanistan. The dates keep changing and I am hoping that most the recent change stays firm. His base is near the coast in NC so about 20 minutes from the beaches which I look forward to seeing since I have not been to that part of NC. Other than that, I am not sure what to expect. Just look forward to packing up the car and kids and head north for the next few days.
I find myself calmer this days which is a good thing. Patience brings clarity and perspective.
So, here is to hoping that the trip to NC will bring back positive change.
Cheers,
C.
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