Vacation?

Everytime I take a few days off, or leave the state I always feel like there is the potential to come back a changed person, with a new, brighter perspective on life.



In retrospect, I don't this actually happens, at least not substantially. Maybe in more subtle ways such as when I remember the wooden railing outside of the cabin we rented in North Georgia last year. For some reason, that image sticks with me and gives me a sense of peace.



So, we are off to North Carolina in a few days to see my step-son get off the plane after 7 long months in Afghanistan. The dates keep changing and I am hoping that most the recent change stays firm. His base is near the coast in NC so about 20 minutes from the beaches which I look forward to seeing since I have not been to that part of NC. Other than that, I am not sure what to expect. Just look forward to packing up the car and kids and head north for the next few days.



I find myself calmer this days which is a good thing. Patience brings clarity and perspective.



So, here is to hoping that the trip to NC will bring back positive change.



Cheers,


C.

MmmmMMmm

I am home sick today. My stomache is killing me and I can't figure out what I ate that has made me sick. Maybe it was all that broccoli I ate last night? I do love broccoli but I admit I went a little overboard. Every since my underactive thyroid diagnosis I have been avoiding any food that could potentially interfere with my medication. Broccoli is one of those foods unfortunately, however I did learn that if you cook the heck out of it you can eat it. And ate it I did. That's terrible grammar.

Onward.

Have you ever stayed home from work and then later regretted it? Its seems like a good idea, especially when you are doubled over with stomach cramps but then, at least for me the guilt sets in. Guilt for not going to work and guilt for not feeling like doing the million undone chores at home. I am typing this in a middle of half folded laundryand the very sight of this rumpled mess exhausts me. Now my head hurts.

What a whiny blogger I am, although I don't post that often so I don't even know if I could classify myself as a whiny blogger.

So one of the new shows I am excited to watch is "Life Coach" with Cheri O'Teri. She is hilarious and I espcially loved the "Joy the grief counselor episdoe". So funny.

I am off to take a nap.

I Hate My Toilet

or rather it hates me. We have a well which has been mainly a curse and a narrow blessing. No water bill but we have to pump out that stupid thing every three to four months and that's not cheap. You see, when the septic tank fills, the toilets don't flush easily. And forget about trying to plunge it to make it go down it's hateful septic pipes. No. Furious plunging only leads to filthy water getting spilled on the floor or yourself and that is just not good. Not good at all. So, we are very often forced to walk away from a bowl full of unsavory until the finicky toilet agrees to both flush and drain which sometimes means all. day. So gross and annoying. Ugh.

That's enough toilet talk.

I am lying propped up in bed (which is my favorite position by the way), alone and writing my blog with NPR on and the soothing symphony music just ended and now I am trying to block out annoying NPR lady voice until the music comes back on. There it is again now. Ah. Where were we? Yes, lying in my bed writing to you about random things which I hope you will read but hope more earnestly that you will comment. I love comments! It's thrilling to get some which I don't get many of because apparently readers like to see lots and LOTS of posts before they commit. They must know that they can rely on you to write the randomness, like every day. That's a big commitment don't you think?

But I know I can and should post a little more often andit would be good to dump the thoughts that take up most of my brain space and day into the gentle pillow that is my blog. Otherwise my inside voice comes outside and scares my husband and children but that takes a while and only happens when my husband kicks my emotional trip wire and then BLAM!! Told you sucker. You didn't listen did you? But honestly, I would like to spread my thoughts on a conveyor belt and have men and women in white jackets and hairnets pick out the ugliest, most hateful thoughts and toss them into a special bin meant for recycling or re purposing or refurbishing (that's why that iPod won't work??) into something cleaner and kinder. Some things that help instead of hurt. I hate it when I lose control of my tongue. Damn it.

This is it for now.

Besties.

C

Camping

Dark blue skies stippled with stars
Warmth of brown down sleeping bag under my head
and around my body
clean breaths taken in the night air
my Daddy close by
Peace

Reality?

Dear Readers,

I was going to entitle this post "Back to Realty" but then I got to thinking about the definition of reality. At least my definition. It's really subjective isn't it? What my perception of reality is may be very different than yours and I think that is just as it should be.

My current reality for example, is that I am back at work after 11 days off. So my "reality" implies that it's a negative thing to be back at work, which it is but I digress. The rambling point I am trying to make here is that being on vacation was just as much reality as being at work is. Now that I have that cleared up I can proceed with my post updates.

I have managed to stay on track with the dieting, for the most part although I did consume far more wine than I had intended. I think I am wined out for a while. Christmas was wonderful- kids and adults were all happy and I cooked my little heart and and had a great time.

My first day bakc at work blues are in full gear and I am already missing sitting on the couch, snuggled with my 6 year old son watching movies while he played his DS or chattered about random things. I miss hearing his sweet voice. I just all around enjoyed being at home and got used to it very quickly. I felt a lightening in my spirit. I felt less burdened even though I still have the same problems and issues. I also felt more myself, or the self that is less stressed and I really like her. Wish I could keep her full time.

My plan is start my goal setting for the year because I know writing down goals works but it's just so darn hard for me to get into that frame of mind and really focus. But as with my weight loss, things will not change for me in my life unless I acknowledge the areas that are dragging me down, stop making excuses and begin moving forward toward the future that feels more real to me.

One of my goals this year is to devise a way to become more confident that I can and will always find a way to earn a living, hopefully in a way that is more self-reliant and less "job reliant". I am determined this year to make this happen and have enlisted a good friend at work who has agreed to help hold me accountable and I her.

It's January 5, 2010 and time for me to begin creating again like I have in the past.

What will you create?

Best,

C.

Losin' It

So far I am down about 12 pounds. We'll see what damage I did during Thanksgiving which hopefully should be minimal since I ate reasonably well. I was bad about drinking enough water so I need to continue to work on that.

I am about 2.5 months in with the dieting/exercise and have found that a lot of my food cravings have disappeared which is a really, really great thing. I used to crave pasta/salt/cheese on an almost daily basis.

My next doctor's appointment is December 14 and my goal is to step on the scale and have the nurse NOT move the bar past the 20 mark on the scale. I hope to be under 170 lbs. My clothes are fitting better and I look better. Still have to lose more so I am just trying to stay focused on shedding the rest as quickly as I can.

Results Are In

Yes, I have an under active Thyroid. My doctor started me on medication, half a pill for the first four days and then whole ones from then on.

So it's day 5 and I just took my whole pill. The side effects from taking just half of the pill caused me to be even MORE emotional and tired which can happen until the hormones level out... which could take months. Ugh.

I did end up feeling better yesterday afternoon- it was almost like a switch. I became less blue and perked up. We'll see how today goes on the whole pill. As I swallowed the pill, I thought "here's to burning some fat". I hope this works. I've kept up with the exercising and diet but have not lost much- about 6 pounds total but I do feel a little firmer and my clothes fit a little better. I am tempted to fast to accelerate the weight loss but I don't want to cut down on any of the potential muscle I have been building over this past month. It takes a looong time to see real results. But I am trying and feel proud that I have stuck it out this long.

My hopes are that if I can change my body, I can also change my life. I am still moving forward with wanting to start my own business. I really already started but need to figure out how to market my business. I have a few free teleseminars that I need to listen too. I just have not had the energy this past week but I am hoping that I will carve out some time today.

I have decided that this year, I will put up with less bull shit. Including from myself. Cut out the negative self talk and doubt. Refuse to put up with rude people or at least reduce them in my mind and demeanour to the insects they are. And finally, refuse to be treated poorly by anyone, including my husband.

This week was my birthday. The day started out well enough but I did not get the attention I thought I would... which kicked my blue mood into high gear. I could not stand to be around myself so I left work and headed down to the beach. Yes, the beach which is a good hour and half a way. I drove all the way there, got out in the shopping district and wandered around for a bit, breathing in the smell of the rich. The smell of the rich as it turns out, is the smell of a Day Spa I walked by which emitted aromas of sea salt scrubs and rich, mineral infused lotions. I bought myself a cup of coffee and a whole grain bagel because I was too chicken to eat by myself in one of the small restaurants. It was too lonely of a prospect. I made my way back to my car, put my flip flops on, rolled up my pant legs and walked right into the waves that lapped at the shore. The sand is so beautiful- powdery white and soft. The water was cool but not cold and felt good. I picked up few shells and sat down on the sand. It was nice to be myself and think. I watched the waves roll in gently and watched a sail boat in the distance. As I sat there, I watched couples walk by as well as foreign women in fancy bathing suits, I was struck by a thought. Other than my husband and children, I have no immediate family living near me. They all live in other states. It dawned on me probably for the first time that I was missing out on the traditional family bonding- the boring graduations and obligatory barbeque's. But with the boredom came a sense of identity as well as civility. So many couples I know here in Florida struggle in their marriages, myself included. Without the routine of traditional family events, it's easy for couples to drift apart and become uncivil towards one another. Even though our family may be a phone call away, it's not the same as seeing them and being with them in person.

I was in the grocery store the other day and overheard a mother talking to her daughter on her cell phone. The mother was assuring her that "grandma" would be home and not to worry. What a nice thing that would be to have- another member of your tribe there to help out with your children. I think of this as I think about my in-laws who may end up needing a place to live (namely our house). I originally balked at the idea of having them live with us not because I don't love them, because I do but because of the fear of getting on each others nerves and becoming angry at each other. But then I think of the potentially good aspects- someone always home, always around. A helping hand, another ear to hear me vent.

Here is the potentially good aspects in your life.

Best,

C.