I already mentioned that I have been feeling better since I have starting eating healthier. But it's also because I have started to let go of a lot of the negative stuff I have been holding onto about work.
http://widelawns.blogspot.com/ has mentioned the negative chatter that she has dealt with and learned to silence and this describes my problem as well. I sometimes allow myself to slide down a self-pitying path and mentally leap frog from issue to issue until I become so depressed that I physically shake my head in an effort to snap out of it. I have been getting better. Lately, I will tell myself "really? Are you really going to allow 2 bad pictures of you taken on vacation to rule your thoughts for the entire DAY? Honestly"? And this seems to help me snap out of it.
So the work stuff. I received a review that I was not pleased with. I was described as "basic". I cried for 2 days about this because the feedback I had been receiving all year long from the groups I support was very positive. The issue is with the leadership team that reviewed me. They did not place as much emphasis on this feedback as I hoped and in comparison to my peers, despite my - yes I will say it- glowing reviews from my groups, I was ultimately summarized as "providing the basics". This seems to happen to me every few years. As soon as leadership changes, suddenly I am considered a top performer again. I struggle with this and perhaps this is just the nature of large corporations. Each time this happens I am unable to reconcile the notion that one year I am great and the next just mediocre. My work ethic has always remained the same and the years I am top rated, I have put in the exact same amount of effort.
I allowed myself to go through all of the emotions, shock, anger, sadness and finally questioning my abilities. After a few weeks, the depression breaks without warning and I am suddenly optimistic again. This optimistic feeling comes from the real me, the one that gets tired of feeling down or allowing others to make me feel less than. It's the authentic me that rises up and feels blessed and happy to be in my own skin. I feel beautiful again and strong and most importantly whole.
The bad work stuff is a blessing for me. It forces me to realize that I deserve more than what I have allowed myself. I am a creative person, an intelligent person that cannot be contained by an arbitrary performance review. It's unnatural for me, like wearing shoes that are too small. I walk around jammed in a space that does not fit and chafe and blister until I burst into tears and realize that the only way for relief is to release myself. This is where I am right now- needing to release myself. To be free.
I was watching a show about a relatively new country music band called Lady Antelbellum. Hearing the story of how they formed their group was fascinating. One of the young men quit his 9 to 5 job and then convinced his friend to do the same and move to Nashville. Once there they literally bumped into a young woman who was a singer/songwriter. From that seemingly random event their band was formed.
So I need to be paying attention to more random events.
C.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Checking In
Ok. So much for holding myself accountable.
I apologize for not checking in last Friday. It's just highlights my lack of committment to losing weight... I am ashamed to admit that I was tempted to delete my last post but I decided to be a big girl (ha ha) and leave it.
So I did not meet my goal of losing 10 lbs in 1 week which I knew was agressive. I have lost 2 -3 pounds instead. The positive is that I have been eating really healthy so I am glad about that. The biggest thing for me is just being aware of my weight, recognizing that I need to be healthier and most importantly feeling better (I will talk about this in a separate post).
That's all for now.
C.
I apologize for not checking in last Friday. It's just highlights my lack of committment to losing weight... I am ashamed to admit that I was tempted to delete my last post but I decided to be a big girl (ha ha) and leave it.
So I did not meet my goal of losing 10 lbs in 1 week which I knew was agressive. I have lost 2 -3 pounds instead. The positive is that I have been eating really healthy so I am glad about that. The biggest thing for me is just being aware of my weight, recognizing that I need to be healthier and most importantly feeling better (I will talk about this in a separate post).
That's all for now.
C.
Friday, August 21, 2009
A Scale of Proportions
I stepped on the scale today for the first time since October 2008 when I was at my doctor's office. I weigh 180 lbs.
Getting on the scale has always been difficult for me. I weighed 165lbs in highschool when most girls my age weighed under 120 lbs. I am not a big eater but clearly I do make the wrong choices sometimes and so I gain weight and keep it on for a long time.
I weigh the most I have ever weighed, even when I was 9 months pregnant with each of my three children. To be sure, I have been in a state of denial. It's just easier to buy a bigger pair of pants. But I do feel terrible, not just esthetically, but physically as well. I have almost constant lower back pain and horrible digestion issues. I feel bloated and stuffed and when I look at pictures of me that were taken on our vacation last week, it looks as if I ate my former self. My face is swollen looking- it looks as if I had my tonsils out.
Since highschool, I have always been able to lose weight and keep it off. 145-150 lbs is normal for me since I am 5'6" and curvy. This past two years I have just lived in constant denial about my weight. I am tempted to go on a crash diet just to get some of it off but I feel too weak to even try. In the past I would weigh myself obsessively until the weight came off. So this time, I have no baby to show for my weight gain- just a belly and hips full of blubber, all ready large breasts that have swelled another cup size, and a pretty face hidden under bloated cheeks.
How do I start? If I listed here what I normally ate you would think "how did she get to 180 lbs??" I don't snack, I don't chow down on chips or cookies or candy. Cooking has always been a love of mine and I like watch most of the cooking shows so I end up using too much oil and butter for what I need. And I love, love red wine. I would rather have a great glass of red wine then eat dinner most nights. But usually I end up doing both. I look and feel like a marshmallow.
I know I need to start NOW but don't want to because dieting is hard and weight loss for me is slow. But I am writing to set a goal and more importantly keep myself accountable.
My goal for the week of 8/24/09
Weigh 170 by Friday, 8/28/09
Goal for week of 8/31/09
Weigh 165
Goal for week of 9/6/09
Weigh 160
Goal for week of 9/13/09
Weigh 155
Goal for week of 9/20/09
Weigh 150
Goal for week of 9/27/09
Weigh 145 ** Goal **
Check to see if back pain is gone, if digestion is regulated, if bra size is down.
Buena Suerte!
Getting on the scale has always been difficult for me. I weighed 165lbs in highschool when most girls my age weighed under 120 lbs. I am not a big eater but clearly I do make the wrong choices sometimes and so I gain weight and keep it on for a long time.
I weigh the most I have ever weighed, even when I was 9 months pregnant with each of my three children. To be sure, I have been in a state of denial. It's just easier to buy a bigger pair of pants. But I do feel terrible, not just esthetically, but physically as well. I have almost constant lower back pain and horrible digestion issues. I feel bloated and stuffed and when I look at pictures of me that were taken on our vacation last week, it looks as if I ate my former self. My face is swollen looking- it looks as if I had my tonsils out.
Since highschool, I have always been able to lose weight and keep it off. 145-150 lbs is normal for me since I am 5'6" and curvy. This past two years I have just lived in constant denial about my weight. I am tempted to go on a crash diet just to get some of it off but I feel too weak to even try. In the past I would weigh myself obsessively until the weight came off. So this time, I have no baby to show for my weight gain- just a belly and hips full of blubber, all ready large breasts that have swelled another cup size, and a pretty face hidden under bloated cheeks.
How do I start? If I listed here what I normally ate you would think "how did she get to 180 lbs??" I don't snack, I don't chow down on chips or cookies or candy. Cooking has always been a love of mine and I like watch most of the cooking shows so I end up using too much oil and butter for what I need. And I love, love red wine. I would rather have a great glass of red wine then eat dinner most nights. But usually I end up doing both. I look and feel like a marshmallow.
I know I need to start NOW but don't want to because dieting is hard and weight loss for me is slow. But I am writing to set a goal and more importantly keep myself accountable.
My goal for the week of 8/24/09
Weigh 170 by Friday, 8/28/09
Goal for week of 8/31/09
Weigh 165
Goal for week of 9/6/09
Weigh 160
Goal for week of 9/13/09
Weigh 155
Goal for week of 9/20/09
Weigh 150
Goal for week of 9/27/09
Weigh 145 ** Goal **
Check to see if back pain is gone, if digestion is regulated, if bra size is down.
Buena Suerte!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Ten Minutes to Write
OK. I have literally ten minutes to write before my next meeting. Although I could probably type this in the meeting as well... instead of paying attention like I am supposed to.
I am getting ready for vacation and am SO excited that I can barely stand it. My family and I have not been on a real vacation in a while. We are going to the Georgia Mountains and I look forward to just being outside, breathing in fresh air and tipping my toes in cool, fresh water. We don't have much of that in Florida and I often feel guilty that my kids have missed out on this experience.
I think I am more excited to not be at work for an entire week. That's the best part for me. I have come across so many wonderful blogs in the past view weeks. Like this one http://lalalovelythings.blogspot.com/ which displays beautiful photographs just for the sake of being beautiful and for really great writing check out this site http://kdsthinkingoutloud.blogspot.com/
I have not said much have I? Well, we will have to just get to know each other better then.
Off to the meeting.
C
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Welcome to my Boring Blog
True- my life is pretty boring in comparison to a lot of other bloggers. But it's real and it's me.
I don't have any cool pictures to post. Maybe if I had, I would draw more people to my little blog and possibly even entice a few to leave me some comments.
Someone was reading my blog yesterday, according to my stat counter so that's good!
I made the decision to stop paying my mortgage. This is the first time in my life I have ever done this. You are reading the blog of a deadbeat. 7/31 was the last day I could have paid without going over 30 days. The night of 7/30, I laid awake pretty much all night staring at the ceiling feeling a mixture of despair, guilt and stress. It has come down to either being late on credit cards or the mortgage. We have been so broke- great credit- but completely broke. We got to the point that whenever we had a large expense like a medical bill or car repair, we turned to credits cards. It had to stop. If it means losing my house, then I suppose it's deserved. We made bad financial decisions and are trying to dig our way out by paying as many debts as possible. I hope to be able to do a short sale, since we are upside down in the house. Wells Fargo refuses to help and keeps telling me they will send paperwork for a possible loan modification but I have yet to receive it despite my numerous phone calls.
I just got tired of being on the rat wheel. I've GOT to pay off the debt and start building some type of savings, even if it means renting for the next few years. We have to change our behavior otherwise things will never change, never get better. I don't blame anyone buy myself. I hold myself accountable for the debt but also for a better future. It IS within my control.
So, for those of you struggling financially, take heart. You are not a lone. Expand your thinking as I have- create options for yourself. Yes your credit will be damaged but that can be repaired with time. I was at the point where my bank account was negative every pay day and I had to scrimp to pay for food and gas for my car to get to work. Don't ever paint yourself in a corner like I did. You deserve better than that and so do I.
If anyone reads this and is currently going through something similar or has made it out, please share your experiences with me. I need some hope right now. And someone to keep kicking me in the ass to do the right thing.
I don't have any cool pictures to post. Maybe if I had, I would draw more people to my little blog and possibly even entice a few to leave me some comments.
Someone was reading my blog yesterday, according to my stat counter so that's good!
I made the decision to stop paying my mortgage. This is the first time in my life I have ever done this. You are reading the blog of a deadbeat. 7/31 was the last day I could have paid without going over 30 days. The night of 7/30, I laid awake pretty much all night staring at the ceiling feeling a mixture of despair, guilt and stress. It has come down to either being late on credit cards or the mortgage. We have been so broke- great credit- but completely broke. We got to the point that whenever we had a large expense like a medical bill or car repair, we turned to credits cards. It had to stop. If it means losing my house, then I suppose it's deserved. We made bad financial decisions and are trying to dig our way out by paying as many debts as possible. I hope to be able to do a short sale, since we are upside down in the house. Wells Fargo refuses to help and keeps telling me they will send paperwork for a possible loan modification but I have yet to receive it despite my numerous phone calls.
I just got tired of being on the rat wheel. I've GOT to pay off the debt and start building some type of savings, even if it means renting for the next few years. We have to change our behavior otherwise things will never change, never get better. I don't blame anyone buy myself. I hold myself accountable for the debt but also for a better future. It IS within my control.
So, for those of you struggling financially, take heart. You are not a lone. Expand your thinking as I have- create options for yourself. Yes your credit will be damaged but that can be repaired with time. I was at the point where my bank account was negative every pay day and I had to scrimp to pay for food and gas for my car to get to work. Don't ever paint yourself in a corner like I did. You deserve better than that and so do I.
If anyone reads this and is currently going through something similar or has made it out, please share your experiences with me. I need some hope right now. And someone to keep kicking me in the ass to do the right thing.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Out of Balance
I am sitting here in my beautiful house, perfectly comfortable after having a long weekend away from work.
The feeling is the same as when I have gone on a nice, long vacation. I am always left with the same feeling which is that if I never had to go back, I would not miss it. I no longer connect with it as part of my identity. I think that most of us want and need to be good at something or want to be thought of as being good as something. I don't think this is the same thing as being good. When you think about it the word "good" itself is completely subjective.
Yesterday, my husband drove me around two beautiful sections of Tampa. We visited Davis Island and then Hyde Park which are two upscale neighborhoods both lined with old live oak trees and a selection of unique homes- some large and some small and quaint with architectural details from the 1920's that you would never find in the sprawling suburbs that dominate most of Tampa. We came across one house on David Island that was for sale (there were some for sale on every street). It was a newer house made to look like it was built in the 1920's. It was a spanish style home with barrel tile roof and beautiful arched wooden front doors with iron detailing. My husband found an open gate in the back and found an open door to the hosue. We nervously ventured inside, unsure if we would set off alarms. The house was completely empty. The back french doors opened up to a gorgeous kitchen with a center island that was itself a piece of furniture- two dish washers, commercial grade appliances, a warming drawer and two different colors of gleaming granite. Even the lighting fixtures were unique and not the typical stuff you would find in a Home Depot or Lowes. There was also a carved stone fireplace. And. The house sat on Tampa Bay ocean front. Sigh. The house was so far out of our range- $3.9 million to be exact. Instead of feeling wistful upon leaving I was instead thoughtful. It amazed and surprised me that such a house was even crafted and that a person of heavy financial means could buy it. Strangely, it made me happy to know this. It seemed an accomplishment to me or a testament that grand things were possible. I think this is what struck me the most was the possibility of such grand things.
Viewing this house helped me change my perspective or at least adjust it. I realized that even with a promotion at work, I could never afford this type of house and was said promotion all I would ever aspire to? Or was thing more? Could there be more? I believe the answer to be yes. I quickly realized, even though I have thought this before, that I will never become wealthy working for someone else. Never. And I realized that I do not want to work for anyone else anymore.
You can probably guess that I was passed over for a promotion. Indeed. Nothing like good, stiff rejection to get the imagination flowing. I my efforts in area where they did not belong and my heart- no my soul was never really in it. I want more time with my family. It's when I feel the most peaceful. I feel the most serene when I am at home, in a clean house, children fed and clean and put to bed without a rush. It feels the most authentic to sit in the silence of the house I made for my family. My job is an added burden, the most distasteful waste of my time and talents.
I do not have a trust fund. Don't even have a plan. All I have is this blog, the ability to write and the hope and determination that I can make a better life for myself and my family. I do not know what to do next- only to keep going, to keep writing and keep imagining my life as I know it could be. Freer, happier, lighter.
I know it starts with being grateful. And I am. But it's also time to start wrapping things up at work as if. As if is huge. I will start living as if I have given my notice and start preparing for my truer life.
The feeling is the same as when I have gone on a nice, long vacation. I am always left with the same feeling which is that if I never had to go back, I would not miss it. I no longer connect with it as part of my identity. I think that most of us want and need to be good at something or want to be thought of as being good as something. I don't think this is the same thing as being good. When you think about it the word "good" itself is completely subjective.
Yesterday, my husband drove me around two beautiful sections of Tampa. We visited Davis Island and then Hyde Park which are two upscale neighborhoods both lined with old live oak trees and a selection of unique homes- some large and some small and quaint with architectural details from the 1920's that you would never find in the sprawling suburbs that dominate most of Tampa. We came across one house on David Island that was for sale (there were some for sale on every street). It was a newer house made to look like it was built in the 1920's. It was a spanish style home with barrel tile roof and beautiful arched wooden front doors with iron detailing. My husband found an open gate in the back and found an open door to the hosue. We nervously ventured inside, unsure if we would set off alarms. The house was completely empty. The back french doors opened up to a gorgeous kitchen with a center island that was itself a piece of furniture- two dish washers, commercial grade appliances, a warming drawer and two different colors of gleaming granite. Even the lighting fixtures were unique and not the typical stuff you would find in a Home Depot or Lowes. There was also a carved stone fireplace. And. The house sat on Tampa Bay ocean front. Sigh. The house was so far out of our range- $3.9 million to be exact. Instead of feeling wistful upon leaving I was instead thoughtful. It amazed and surprised me that such a house was even crafted and that a person of heavy financial means could buy it. Strangely, it made me happy to know this. It seemed an accomplishment to me or a testament that grand things were possible. I think this is what struck me the most was the possibility of such grand things.
Viewing this house helped me change my perspective or at least adjust it. I realized that even with a promotion at work, I could never afford this type of house and was said promotion all I would ever aspire to? Or was thing more? Could there be more? I believe the answer to be yes. I quickly realized, even though I have thought this before, that I will never become wealthy working for someone else. Never. And I realized that I do not want to work for anyone else anymore.
You can probably guess that I was passed over for a promotion. Indeed. Nothing like good, stiff rejection to get the imagination flowing. I my efforts in area where they did not belong and my heart- no my soul was never really in it. I want more time with my family. It's when I feel the most peaceful. I feel the most serene when I am at home, in a clean house, children fed and clean and put to bed without a rush. It feels the most authentic to sit in the silence of the house I made for my family. My job is an added burden, the most distasteful waste of my time and talents.
I do not have a trust fund. Don't even have a plan. All I have is this blog, the ability to write and the hope and determination that I can make a better life for myself and my family. I do not know what to do next- only to keep going, to keep writing and keep imagining my life as I know it could be. Freer, happier, lighter.
I know it starts with being grateful. And I am. But it's also time to start wrapping things up at work as if. As if is huge. I will start living as if I have given my notice and start preparing for my truer life.
Friday, June 26, 2009
A Question
What exactly am I doing?
Why do I allow myself to get worked up about a new role that I probably won't even like. I had two interviews this week and the one today left me feeling very doubtful because it was subtly suggested that another, lower level role may become available with a (hint hint wink wink) look. Sigh. I know I am better than that so why get worked up right?
I just need to really think about my priorities and what exactly I want to do with my life and stop living day to day.
Why do I allow myself to get worked up about a new role that I probably won't even like. I had two interviews this week and the one today left me feeling very doubtful because it was subtly suggested that another, lower level role may become available with a (hint hint wink wink) look. Sigh. I know I am better than that so why get worked up right?
I just need to really think about my priorities and what exactly I want to do with my life and stop living day to day.
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