Welcome to my Boring Blog

True- my life is pretty boring in comparison to a lot of other bloggers. But it's real and it's me.

I don't have any cool pictures to post. Maybe if I had, I would draw more people to my little blog and possibly even entice a few to leave me some comments.

Someone was reading my blog yesterday, according to my stat counter so that's good!

I made the decision to stop paying my mortgage. This is the first time in my life I have ever done this. You are reading the blog of a deadbeat. 7/31 was the last day I could have paid without going over 30 days. The night of 7/30, I laid awake pretty much all night staring at the ceiling feeling a mixture of despair, guilt and stress. It has come down to either being late on credit cards or the mortgage. We have been so broke- great credit- but completely broke. We got to the point that whenever we had a large expense like a medical bill or car repair, we turned to credits cards. It had to stop. If it means losing my house, then I suppose it's deserved. We made bad financial decisions and are trying to dig our way out by paying as many debts as possible. I hope to be able to do a short sale, since we are upside down in the house. Wells Fargo refuses to help and keeps telling me they will send paperwork for a possible loan modification but I have yet to receive it despite my numerous phone calls.

I just got tired of being on the rat wheel. I've GOT to pay off the debt and start building some type of savings, even if it means renting for the next few years. We have to change our behavior otherwise things will never change, never get better. I don't blame anyone buy myself. I hold myself accountable for the debt but also for a better future. It IS within my control.

So, for those of you struggling financially, take heart. You are not a lone. Expand your thinking as I have- create options for yourself. Yes your credit will be damaged but that can be repaired with time. I was at the point where my bank account was negative every pay day and I had to scrimp to pay for food and gas for my car to get to work. Don't ever paint yourself in a corner like I did. You deserve better than that and so do I.

If anyone reads this and is currently going through something similar or has made it out, please share your experiences with me. I need some hope right now. And someone to keep kicking me in the ass to do the right thing.

Out of Balance

I am sitting here in my beautiful house, perfectly comfortable after having a long weekend away from work.

The feeling is the same as when I have gone on a nice, long vacation. I am always left with the same feeling which is that if I never had to go back, I would not miss it. I no longer connect with it as part of my identity. I think that most of us want and need to be good at something or want to be thought of as being good as something. I don't think this is the same thing as being good. When you think about it the word "good" itself is completely subjective.

Yesterday, my husband drove me around two beautiful sections of Tampa. We visited Davis Island and then Hyde Park which are two upscale neighborhoods both lined with old live oak trees and a selection of unique homes- some large and some small and quaint with architectural details from the 1920's that you would never find in the sprawling suburbs that dominate most of Tampa. We came across one house on David Island that was for sale (there were some for sale on every street). It was a newer house made to look like it was built in the 1920's. It was a spanish style home with barrel tile roof and beautiful arched wooden front doors with iron detailing. My husband found an open gate in the back and found an open door to the hosue. We nervously ventured inside, unsure if we would set off alarms. The house was completely empty. The back french doors opened up to a gorgeous kitchen with a center island that was itself a piece of furniture- two dish washers, commercial grade appliances, a warming drawer and two different colors of gleaming granite. Even the lighting fixtures were unique and not the typical stuff you would find in a Home Depot or Lowes. There was also a carved stone fireplace. And. The house sat on Tampa Bay ocean front. Sigh. The house was so far out of our range- $3.9 million to be exact. Instead of feeling wistful upon leaving I was instead thoughtful. It amazed and surprised me that such a house was even crafted and that a person of heavy financial means could buy it. Strangely, it made me happy to know this. It seemed an accomplishment to me or a testament that grand things were possible. I think this is what struck me the most was the possibility of such grand things.

Viewing this house helped me change my perspective or at least adjust it. I realized that even with a promotion at work, I could never afford this type of house and was said promotion all I would ever aspire to? Or was thing more? Could there be more? I believe the answer to be yes. I quickly realized, even though I have thought this before, that I will never become wealthy working for someone else. Never. And I realized that I do not want to work for anyone else anymore.

You can probably guess that I was passed over for a promotion. Indeed. Nothing like good, stiff rejection to get the imagination flowing. I my efforts in area where they did not belong and my heart- no my soul was never really in it. I want more time with my family. It's when I feel the most peaceful. I feel the most serene when I am at home, in a clean house, children fed and clean and put to bed without a rush. It feels the most authentic to sit in the silence of the house I made for my family. My job is an added burden, the most distasteful waste of my time and talents.

I do not have a trust fund. Don't even have a plan. All I have is this blog, the ability to write and the hope and determination that I can make a better life for myself and my family. I do not know what to do next- only to keep going, to keep writing and keep imagining my life as I know it could be. Freer, happier, lighter.

I know it starts with being grateful. And I am. But it's also time to start wrapping things up at work as if. As if is huge. I will start living as if I have given my notice and start preparing for my truer life.

A Question

What exactly am I doing?

Why do I allow myself to get worked up about a new role that I probably won't even like. I had two interviews this week and the one today left me feeling very doubtful because it was subtly suggested that another, lower level role may become available with a (hint hint wink wink) look. Sigh. I know I am better than that so why get worked up right?

I just need to really think about my priorities and what exactly I want to do with my life and stop living day to day.

Monday

Hello Readers, and I use the term "readers" loosley because according to my stat counter there a precious few of you that visit myhumble blog. But, I do appreciate the ones that stop by- more than you know. If you could do me a favor, and please leave a little comment now and I again I would be very grateful.

So my struggle with writing this blog is that it feels incredibly self-indulgent which goes counter with my limited, uptight semi-white trash upbringing. Positive thinking did not happen in my household, it was too risky and inevitably if we dared try it - we ended up with the dreaded "I told you so" look or lecture. It really depended on the situation and the amount of energy stored up by my mother.

But I survived all that but still struggle with acknowledging my talents. Talent is such a broad term isn't it? As in, she is a talented tight-rope walker. Or talented desinger/singer/actress. The word talent is usually followed by a title or label. So although I can admit that I am talented, I am relunctant to reveal to you all exactly what for fear of being judged or measured. Or weighed in some cases. So, please do not be alarmed if you notice a few of my blogs that I delete. It's me, not you and it will take me some time to trust that putting my thoughts out there are appropriate. Some entries are better left to my personal journal. I am also not the type that will post cute pictures or mostly any pictures. I have that stupid candle that I am trying to remove but I can only replace it with something else and I have not found anything else less stupid.

Ok, so I believe that you are talented as well. Honestly. I can feel it. That's why I started this blog- to connect with others who feel it too or just want to connect or plug into this collectiveness that has grown out there on the web. This is what I hope I can grow my blog to be- a place where like minds can share their talents or their positive thinking or anything else that will add to us as people instead of detract. There is so much negative news out there- so much that it makes my eyes hurt to look at it all. I think one of the reason's why is that it is much easier, socially to commiserate with someone else than to celebrate our successes. It's backwards and I want to help change that.

I hope you decide to join me.

Best,

C.

I Passed Y'all!

I should have posted the night I passed so that I could accurately convey the feeling of euphoria I felt. It was incredible.

I made myself nearly ill with all the studying to the point that I was dizzy when I entered the testing site. After checking my driver's license and giving me a key to a small locker, I was instructed to remove my watch and put all of my belongings into the locker and then walk into the testing room with license in hand. I was placed in a partitioned cubicle with a desktop computer. People sat on both sides of me but we could not see each other. I took a deep breath and saw that my name and test were displayed on the screen. I then started the test. Initially the black text shimmered before me. It was difficult to focus. I read through the first few questions and honestly began to panic. I did not know the answers. At least I did not think I did. I predicted failure which is a weakness of mine. I could not have studied harder but I still doubted myself. After a few more minutes of intense dread, I told myself that I did not want to have to EVER study for this certification again and that I had better get it together. So I did. And I found out my results right after the exam. I cannot tell you how relieved I am. I was so worn out from the stress that I actually laid down for bed at 9pm which is rare for me since I am a night owl.

It feels great to have my time back and not be constantly worried about having to study or take notes. I feel so proud of myself for passing. It's a difficult cert to obtain and I still cannot really believe that I have it now.

The best part is that I feel blessed today. Blessed because of all the kind words that were spoken to me before I took the test. The genuine well wishing made me feel abundant. Friends of mine sent me texts telling me they were thinking of me and wished me luck. The thing is, had I not shared by struggles with them, they would never have known and I would never have been able to receive these blessings.

I truly believe that the well wishing helped propel me to success. So now, I am sending these same feelings of success to my friend who is taking the same exam tomorrow.

Good luck my friend. I will be thinking of you.

C.

Gratitude

I woke up this morning feeling grateful. So, I wanted to write this down as I am feeling it and then save it so that I can look at it again when I am feeling not so grateful.

Feeling calm, feeling peaceful. I am grateful for the small things like clean laundry, a roof over my head and the possibility of more. The trick is to try and stay in this feeling because in my life I have found that as soon as I stop worrying and I mean really just letting it go, things get better. I know it's not an accident yet I find myself in the same pattern. It's common for people who grew up poor to feel stuck in that cycle yet I look around me and I have a lot. I really do.

I remember my mother sitting at the kitchen table when I was younger writing out her list of bills and watching her become so stressed out. She would scribble numbers and then scratch things off as the balance got lower and lower. We also had a "bill"drawer in the kitchen. Why even name a drawer something so miserable? But that is where she would stuff all of the unopened phone, electric, gas, water bills. My mom and step dad would procrastinate to the point where all of the above would get shut off. Imagine waking up to a cold, dark house and then trying to flush the toilet. As bad as it was, most of it was probably avoidable. But the worry got in the way. They would go out to the bars instead of dealing with reality. They were always borrowing money yet still behind on the mortgage. And I inherited this mentality. Except I do pay my bills but work myself into a frenzy at times worrying about it all because the fact is that not only do I have a lot, I have too much. I invited this stress into my life.

So, I take a deep breath and make sure that my money corner is clear. What's a money corner? Why it's the left corner of a room silly. You must put green or red in the corner and keep it clean so money flows to you. This is called feng shui and I must be doing it wrong because it only works some of the time it seems. My kids don't understand why I have a fit when they move the fake green plant off the chair in the kitchen corner. I say nothing because I don't want to pass on my neurosis about the whole concept of "lack" in life. They just think I like order. Or that I am nuts.

I have this dream of walking along the beach. I am older. My kids are grown. I am walking with my husband and some good friends, our best friends. Our days revolve around either deep discussions about life or laughing like hell at the memories we have created. This is where I hope to be one day.

Maybe life is about opening ourselves up to peace, to being grateful. There will always be things to worry about. Some people think it’s a choice. I don't think this is true. I don’t think people really choose to be miserable. I think, like me they get stuck and forget how good it feels to well, feel good.

Feel good people.

C.

Happy New Year and a Message for You

Here is my first post for the New Year.

It's 2am in the morning and for anyone who reads this, I want to tell you this one thing :

Hold on.

I am up at 2am because I cannot sleep. Like many, I am worried about the economy, worried about my house, worried about my family. "Logic" tells me to give in to this worry but something else inside me is telling me to hold on. I cannot explain it. It's just a feeling. It makes no logical sense because I "should" be worried. But I am starting to rebel and usually for me this means change is coming. Positive change.

Change is scary and it's hard but if you block out all of the "what if's" and just focus on what your gut is trying to tell you, I think you will be just fine. I don't have very much money to give but I wanted to give something. I offer some positive thoughts and encouragement to anyone who needs it.

Reading other's blogs has given me the inspiration to start my own. So thank you, to all of the bloggers out there who share their life with us. You make us laugh, you make us think, and most importantly I think, you give us hope that a collective spirit exits of wanting to connect in a positive way. The blogs are real, the people are real and I think the stories are real. So when you are burned out on the news sites reporting on incessant negativity, read a blog.

Feel better.

C.